


You were my twin prime

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Fluff, F/F, kinda smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:45:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 42,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6859294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a grin on the blonde's face. A full, wholehearted grin and for the first time Lexa looks her in the eyes. For a couple of seconds her heart stops beating. Clarke is the most beautiful person she ever saw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is no happiness in this.

_**May 2 nd 2016** _

_I saw you yesterday._

_I was passing through the park and you were there, sitting on the bench near the lake. You had your blue jacket and black scarf. It wasn't that cold but you've always liked to be warm and cozy._

_You couldn’t see me._

_Thank God._

_I just stood there. Across the street. Watching you._

_It felt like time stopped and all that existed was you on that bench. Your golden curls and red nose._

_You were reading a book. It was the one I gave to you. I recognized the covers, yellow and crumpled, holding so much memories._

_You tucked your hair behind your ear and I could see half of your face._

_You smiled and my heart broke._

_I miss your smile._

_**May 4 th 2016** _

_I saw you again._

_You were sitting in that caffe near your apartment. Some girl I don't know was with you._

_I could tell you were ranting about something. Your hands were all over the place and you had that look in your eyes. The one you had when you were angry._

_You are so cute when you rant._

_I never told you that. I would get lost in your eyes. They would light up and I couldn't force myself to look anywhere else. All I wanted to do was kiss you._

_**May 10 th 2016** _

_I didn’t see you yesterday._

_I wanted to call. Or text._

_I even started one. But then I remembered you don’t want to hear from me._

_I hope you were okay._

_**May 23 rd 2016** _

_I saw Raven today._

_I almost successfully avoided her. Almost._

_She saw me. She smiled._

_I thought I was going to die when I saw her coming towards me._

_I thought she was going to kill me._

_But she hugged me._

_We are having coffe e tomorrow._

_I almost asked her about you._

_**May 24 th 2016** _

_Today I had coffee with Raven._

_She talked about her job. About everyone. Except you._

_She asked me how I was._

_I didn’t know what to tell her._

_I tried to smile._

_She said everyone misses me._

_I miss you._

_**June 2 nd 2016** _

_I saw you yesterday._

_You were smiling._

_**June 10 th 2016** _

_I had coffee with Raven and Octavia._

_I asked them about you._

_Octavia was quiet._

_Raven told me you are okay. That you are smiling._

_I wanted to ask if you are happy but that would be inappropriate._

_I hope you are._

_**June 21 st 2016** _

_I miss you._

_I really miss you._

_I miss your hair on my pillow._

_I miss your eyes and sleepy mumblings._

_I miss your lips and soft kisses._

_I miss your hands in my hair._

_I miss your smile._

_I miss your voice._

_I really miss you._

_I’m sorry._

_**July 5 th 2016** _

_I saw you last night._

_You were kissing someone._

_I don’t want to be alive._

_**July 10 th 2016** _

_I love you._

_**August 15 th  2016** _

_I think this will be the last time I write to you._

_You have someone new in your life. Octavia was happy to tell me._

_You are happy._

_I cried last night, for the first time in forever._

_I think I’ll cry a lot in the days to come._

_You gave up on us. On me._

_No. That’s wrong._

_I gave up on me, you were just too tired to keep fighting on your own._

 

 _-_ Hey.

_I must be going crazy. I just heard you say hey to me._

 

-Hello, Earth to Lexa.

-Hi.

As Lexa looks up she is met by a pair of blue eyes and a smile. She smiles back because that's the only thing she can do.

-You mind if I sit?

-No.

First thing she notices is the shy smile on Clarke's lips. Second is the perfume. It's strong and unfamiliar and nothing like Clarke. 

When Lexa averts her eyes to the ground between her legs she realizes where they are. They are sitting on their bench. A bench. It feels like there are miles between them, between now and the last time they both sat there. 

She wants to cry.

\- Writing?

\- Just stupid stuff.

The silence between them is cold. Uncomfortable. It's as if they are just two strangers sharing a bench, trying to make the time pass faster.

\- How have you been? – Lexa asks just to fill it with meaningless words.

\- I’m okay.

She recognizes that okay. It's the you-are-not-worth-it type of okay. Lexa is still trying to dig a hole in the ground with her eyes, wishing the earth could swallow her.

\- Raven tells me you might move away – this time it's Clarke who speaks – I mean, she mentioned it, I didn’t pry.

\- It’s okay. Yeah, I’m thinking about it.

\- Why?

\- There’s no reason for me to stay here.

Lexa can see with the corner of her eye that Clarke is not looking at her anymore so she finds her courage and turns her head. Clarke's eyes are locked to the lake. Sparkly and bluer than ever. 

\- Last time I was here was 3 months ago. I was sitting here reading your book. I cried my eyes out.

\- Why are you here today?

\- What?

Clarke snaps her eyes at Lexa and she looks away. Again.

\- Why did you come today?

\- Why did you? 

Clarke's voice is soft and Lexa's heart breaks with every word.

\- Octavia told me you have someone.

Clarke chuckles and a thousand butterflies bubble up in the other girls' stomach. 

\- That’s why you came?

\- No.

Clarke lets out a long sigh before speaking again.

\- Yeah, I have someone.

\- I’m happy for you.

\- Are you?

\- Of course I am. I want you to be happy.

Clarke's eyes are again on the lake.

\- Do you remember it? The first time?

\- Yeah.

\- You were wearing that green shirt and black jeans. It was 600 degrees and you wore black jeans.

\- And you were in white shorts and black tank top. And you smelled like flowers.

Clarke smiles. Lexa blinks and it's gone.

\- Yes, because it was hot.

\- Yes it was.

There's a grin on the blonde's face. A full, wholehearted grin and for the first time Lexa looks her in the eyes. For a couple of seconds her heart stops beating. Clarke is the most beautiful person she ever saw. 

But then, Clarke's smile drops.

\- For the longest time I thought you hated me.

\- What?

\- Yeah, at the beginning. You never looked at me. You always seemed annoyed. You didn’t talk much. All we did was have sex.

\- I never hated you. I l-… - she stops herself on time - I never looked at you because I was scared. I was not annoyed, I was frustrated because all I wanted to do is be with you.

\- Do you know when was the first time you said you love me? – Clarke asks.

\- You didn’t say it back.

Clarke looks at her confused so Lexa continues.

\- I knew you were awake.

\- You knew?

\- Yeah.

\- How?

\- Your heartbeats.

There’s a small smile. Anyone else would have missed it. But not Lexa.

-I thought you would run away if I said something.

\- Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t say anything. I still hoped you would.

\- You are such an idiot.

\- I know.

Lexa hates herself for knowing and not knowing. For being and not being.

\- I saw you kissing someone.

\- What?

\- Some time ago, in a club. I saw you kissing someone.

\- Oh.

Now Clarke looks down.

\- Is that a someone?

\- Yeah.

\- She’s pretty.

\- Yeah. Do you have a someone?

\- No.

\- Why?

\- Wouldn’t be fair.

\- To who?

\- A someone.

\- Where are you planning to go?

\- I don’t know. Someplace far.

\- So you don’t see me anymore? – Clarke asks with a fake smile playing on her lips.

\- So I don’t see you kissing someone else again.

Silence.

Everything became too much too fast. Lexa feels she has to go or she won't be able to stop herself from crying.

\- I should go. 

\- So this is a goodbye then?

\- I guess so.

Lexa stands up and Clarke is now in front of her. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears and taste blood in her mouth. 

She will cry.

\- I wish you all the best. – Clarke says and offers her arm to Lexa.

She reaches for it and drops it as soon as they touch.

\- You too.

\- Goodbye Lexa.

\- Goodbye.

She doesn't say her name because Clarke doesn't want to hear it. She made it perfectly clear that day. Lexa should never again say her name out loud.

Clarke turns around and leaves.

Now she can cry.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I saw her fingers moving across the paper drawing the lake in front of us without ever looking up. By the time she started drawing trees, I stopped pretending to read. I was staring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst.
> 
> Also, my thanks go to the wonderful tumblr user @oscillatewildely for being the beta I need.

_July 1 st  2018_

_It’s been almost 2 years since I last saw you and almost as much since I last wrote to you._

_I’m back in New York._

_I don’t know if you are here. I wonder how much your life has changed._

_I loosely kept in touch with Raven and Octavia but I never asked about you and they never said anything._

_I think about you a lot. I wonder if you think about me._

_Sometimes I cry._

_Sometimes I smile._

_I still miss you._

_July 5 th 2018_

_You have your first art show next month._

_I’m so proud of you._

_Is it bad I want to come?_

_July 10 th 2018_

_You sent me an invitation._

_Well you didn’t really send it to me. You sent it to Anya’s place but it was on my name._

_You left a note for Anya:_

_Give it to her when you see her. And Anya, you are invited. –C_

_Would it be bad if I came?_

_July 22 nd 2018_

_Anya and Raven think I should go._

_I think I will._

 

_August  3 rd 2018_

_Tomorrow is the big day._

_I am so proud of you._

_I knew you are destined for great things._

 

Lexa couldn’t go alone. She could climb mountains and run marathons but she couldn’t go alone to Clarke’s art show. So she dragged Anya along. The gallery was quite big and there was a lot of people inside. It didn’t take long for Anya to get lost somewhere with Raven so now, Lexa found herself walking around watching pieces of her life with Clarke hanging on the walls.

 

There's a bit of her in every painting.

Her legs, her hair, her mouth. She walks aimlessly, wondering if Clarke still thinks of her as someone who is worth it all.

And then she sees her.

She is on the other side of the room, surrounded with people. She's wearing a red dress and she looks better than ever. She is smiling.

Lexa can't move. She wants to go and congratulate Clarke on everything but she also wants to leave.

And then Clarke sees her.

Now Lexa wants to run. Hide. She finds a corner and she drinks her wine. She wants to disappear, turn invisible, she wants to close her eyes and not look at the painting of her back on the wall in front of her.

It's huge, it's black and it's her.

 _The day my heart broke_  is written in the corner.

\- You are here.- she hears a soft voice behind her.

\- You invited me.

\- I didn’t think you’d come.

She turnes around and sees Clarke in that red dress. She sees how it's tight in all the right places. She sees how beautiful Clarke is. She sees how much she still wantes her.

\- I'm sorry. I will leave.

\- I’m kidding Lexa.

It still hurts. She thought it would hurt less, but it hurts more than ever.

\- Congratulations. I’m so proud of you.

\- Thank you. You saw something you like? Help a woman in need.

\- How much for the one behind me?

\- How much are you willing to pay?

Clarke moves to stand beside her and they face the Lexa on the wall.

\- One million.

\- Ouch. You just put a price tag on my heart.

It hurts. Lexa is not sure if it was meant to hurt but it hurts.

\- I’m sorry, that was mean.

\- I deserve it.

\- No you don’t. And this one is not for sale. You can pick any other one. It will be my gift to you.

\- I don’t deserve that kind of a gift.

\- Yes you do. You believed in me when no one else did.

\- Clarke, you have to do that interview now. – some girl barges between them.

\- Duty calls. Hope I see you around. And I was serious. Pick one and it’s yours.

\- Thank you. And Cl-… You did a good job. I’m really proud.

\- Thank you Lexa.

_August 4 th 2018_

_You looked beautiful today._

_I took one of the paintings with me._

_It’s the one of our bed._

_I paid for it._

 

* * *

 

\- We should stop meeting like this.

Lexa looks up from her laptop and sees Clarke standing over her with a cup of coffee in her hand.  She sits without asking.

\- We really should.

\- I’m mad at you.

\- Why?

\- You paid for that picture and I asked you not to.

\- I couldn't do that. You worked hard.

\- I wanted it to be a gift.

\- I’m sorry.

\- Ah. I’ll just send you another one.

Clarke is smiling. That was the thing that hurt most. Clarke was always smiling and then one day she just stopped.

\- When did you get back? -  she asks.

\- Last month.

\- You look good.

\- Thank you. So do you.

\- How have you been?

\- I’m okay. You?

\- Not bad.

\- Still with someone?

\- Hmm?

\- You still with that person from 2 years ago?

\- Oh God no. That was destined to fail.

\- Poor girl.

\- Yes, very much. So no, there’s no one. What about you?

\- No. You know me.

They settle into a comfortable silence. Time does make things better.

Lexa picks up her cup and watches Clarke between the sips.

But as soon as she looks up, Lexa has to look away.

\- Still afraid to look me in the eyes?  - Clarke asks smirking.

It takes all the courage Lexa has to look Clarke in the eyes. There, she sees it all. Years of sleepless nights. Stolen kisses. Smiles. Missed opportunities. Unspoken words.

Tears.

\- Yeah. – she answers quietly.

Clarke doesn’t say anything. She drinks her coffee and focuses her eyes somewhere on the other girls face and then to the flowers between them.

\- I miss you. – she whispers – I’m glad you were there yesterday. I was sad… I thought you wouldn’t be there.

Lexa wants to reach over the table and hold her hand. She wants to tell her how much she misses her, how much she needs her.

But she can’t.

\- I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

\- What if I haven’t invited you?

\- I would have still been there. Somewhere. I promised. I’d never break a promise.

\- That’s a lie. One time you promised me 100 orchids and I never got them.

Clarke pouts but it soon turns into a laugh. A real laugh. The kind of laugh that warms Lexa’s heart and makes her smile.

\- That’s true. I apologize.

Phone rings and cuts her off before she can say something else. It’s a call Clarke has to take.

\- I have to go. I’m sorry.

\- It’s okay.

\- See you around?

\- See you around.

Clarke is up and out. She doesn’t turn around but Lexa sees her look in her direction as she passes by the window.

 

_August, 14 th 2018_

_Today I sent you 100 blue orchids._

 

 

**Unknown number**

**21:30**

you are crazy

 

Lexa’s phone lights up. She picks it up and frowns at the screen.

**21:34**

Who is this?

**Unknown number**

**21:35**

i knew you were sappy but 100 blue orchids?

**21:36**

They were your favorite.

**Clarke**

**21:37**

still are

i was joking. you didn’t have to do it but thank you

**21:40**

I promised.

**21:41**

Did you like them?

**Clarke**

**21:42**

i love them

**21:42**

I’m glad.

How did you get my number?

**Clarke**

**21:44**

raven.

am i bothering you?

**21:44**

No. I’m just drinking.

Lexa sends it before she can think about what she typed.

 

**Clarke**

**21:46**

me too

**21:50**

what are you drinking?

**22:00**

Wine. You?

**Clarke**

**22:02**

vodka

**22:06**

Aha. Now I understand.

**Clarke**

**22:07**

what?

**22:08**

Why you texted me :P

**Clarke**

**22:10**

not true

and hide that tongue. it’s not ladylike

**22:12**

Oh please. You got them this afternoon. You had plenty of opportunity. You needed your liquid courage. And I was never a lady :P

**Clarke**

**22:15**

i was busy…. no, you just never knew how to keep your tongue in your mouth

:p

**22:17**

Doing what? That is very true.

**Clarke**

**22:20**

reading your note

**22:25**

I had to make sure you knew it was me.

**Clarke**

**22:30**

yeah bc 100 blue orchids didn’t scream LEXAAAAAAA

**22:31**

I’m fairly sure flowers can’t scream.

**Clarke**

**22:33**

these ones did

 

Lexa doesn’t know what to say. It’s late, she is not sober enough and this conversation is going in the wrong direction.

 

**22:40**

There’s a first time for everything, I guess.

**Clarke**

**23:30**

sorry for disappearing

octavia called

**23:33**

How is she?

Lexa doesn’t want this to stop.

 

**Clarke**

**23:35**

she’s good

**23:36**

i forgot how good drunk texter you are

**23:40**

I try. Like really hard.

**Clarke**

**23:41**

not hard enough to not use like in a sentence :p

 

**23:42**

Maybe I am a like person now… People change… :P

**Clarke**

**23:45**

i highly doubt that

 

Lexa wonders if she knows what times it is.

 

**Clarke**

**23:46**

things are getting blurry on my side

maybe we should stop

 

She knows.

**23:47**

If you want.

**Clarke**

**23:50**

it’s getting late and i’m drunk

**23:52**

Okay.

 

_It was 5 years ago._

_It was especially hot and I was having an especially bad day._

_I was sitting on the bench near the lake. The water gave of an impression of coolness. I was reading a book._

_The solitude of prime numbers._

_My favorite._

_I saw someone running down on the track._

_My first thought was how crazy this person must be to run with the sun still high up._

_My second thought was how hot this person was._

_Half hour passed and I saw the person again. She circled the lake and now was running back._

_She was in white shorts and black tank top._

_I caught myself staring and turned my head to the book in my hands instead._

_After a couple of minutes I saw her again. She was walking towards me._

_\- Hey. Sorry to disturb but do you mind if I sit here? This is the only bench that’s not in the sun._

_I tried to speak but words were lost. I cleared my throat without looking up._

_\- You can sit._

_\- Thank you._

_She smelled like flowers._

_She opened her bag and took out a notebook and pencils. She put notebook on her lap and pencils on the bench between us._

_I wasn’t looking._

_I wasn’t._

_But I saw it was a sketchbook. Almost full from what I could see without looking._

_She opened it and started drawing._

_I was reading._

_I wasn’t looking._

_But I saw her fingers moving across the paper drawing the lake in front of us without ever looking up. By the time she started drawing trees, I stopped pretending to read. I was staring._

_\- You like it? – She asked._

_I turned my head away without answering._

_Her hand stopped moving. She was expecting an answer._

_I never gave one._

_\- I am going to get some coffee. Can you please watch my stuff?  - She asked after an hour._

_\- Yes._

_She closed the sketchbook and left to the nearby café._

_She was beautiful._

_Hot._

_And beautiful._

_When I saw her turning around and coming back I diverted my eyes to the book in my lap. I didn’t want her to see me staring again._

_With the corner of my eye I saw her sit down and put a cup of coffee on the bench near me. With sugar and cream next to it. I turned my head and saw that she had a cup in her hand._

_\- This is for you. As a thank you for letting me sit here. I didn’t know how you drink it so I brought everything._

_-You didn’t have to do that._

_\- I know but I did._

_\- Thank you._

_I closed my book and took the coffee._

_\- I’ve never seen you here before. I mean I spend a lot of time on this bench and this is the first time I see you._

_- I spend my mornings here._

_\- Oh._

_We drink our coffee and we don’t speak._

_\- Aren’t you hot? – She asks._

_\- I’m sorry?_

_\- It’s 500 degrees and you are in black jeans. I’m sorry I was just wondering._

_\- I’m okay._

_\- Okay._

_After a while she spoke again._

_\- I’m going now._

_\- Okay._

_\- Have a good day._

_\- You too._

_A week later I had two cups of coffee in my hands and I sat on the bench next to her._

_\- Returning a favor._

_She smiled._

_We talked about my black jeans and her sketches. She was in art school. She smiled a lot._

_Later that day when I had to go she gave me a drawing of the lake she did the week before with her number on the other side._

_\- I know you like it. – She said._

_I still have it._

 

 

 

**Clarke**

**03:19**

why does it still hurt

**03:21**

the orchids smell so nice.

**03:24**

i avoided them for the longest time bc they reminded me of you.

**03:26**

i’m glad you sent them.

goodnight lexa

**03:27**

Goodnight.

_August, 15 th 2018_

_I was at the lake today._

_I saw you sitting on the bench._

_You were reading a book._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes belong to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya doesn’t think that’s healthy and Lexa knows it’s not. But Clarke is the only piece of sanity she has ever had and she doesn’t want to be healthy.

Texting becomes their thing.

Every other week Clarke will spend the night drinking and she’ll text Lexa. She’ll talk about a movie she’s watching, about her day, her week, her art

**Clarke**

**01:23**

come over

**01:24**

Why?

**Clarke**

**01:25**

bc i said so

**01:27**

You are drunk.

**Clarke**

**01:28**

yes

come over pls

**01:30**

Okay.

 

Lexa realizes this whole thing is a mistake when she finds herself in front of Clarke’s doors at 2 am. Clarke is drunk and probably asleep and she can’t find one good reason to not turn around and leave. But then again Clarke said please and Lexa promised herself a long time ago that she’ll never again ignore her pleads.

So she knocks and Clarke opens as if she was standing there, waiting for the knock to come.

She’s in shorts and oversized shirt and there’s a glass in her hand with a water like liquid.

Vodka.

\- Hello Lexie, come in.

It rolls off her tongue like million times before. It stings.

Clarke’s apartment is everything Lexa remembers it to be. She spent two years of her life there and she’ll never understand why Clarke stayed.

\- You’ll drink with me.

She doesn’t offer. Clarke never offers. She demands.

The drink she gives to Lexa is strong and her eyes are so familiar.

\- You do this a lot? – Lexa asks as she watches Clarke move on to the couch, signaling her to follow.

They sit next to each other and Lexa feels like she’s 15 again, sitting on Costia’s bed waiting to see what the other girl will do.

But she’s not 15 and it’s Clarke and it’s dangerous.

\- Call over exes?

\- Get drunk.

\- What? You are worried?

For a few seconds, the only sound in the room is Lexa’s breathing and Clarke’s drinking.

-Once a week – she adds – I’m a big girl.

 Lexa drinks her watery liquid. It’s bitter and strong and getting to her head.

\- How are you always so hot? – Clarke asks.

\- I’m not.

\- Yes you are. Do you remember the first time we had sex?

Clarke says a lot in one breath, words coming out of her mouth like they are the only thing keeping her alive. She continues before Lexa can even open her mouth.

\- We were here. I had a party and you were here. The way you looked at me when I was dancing with that guy, oh God.

\- I remember.

\- The things you did to me that night.

From where she’s sitting, Lexa can almost see the heart beats on Clarke’s neck. She wants to kiss her. Badly.

Instead, she puts her glass on the table and sits back with her eyes closed, trying to think of anything except Clarke, and Clarke’s lips, and Clarke’s body and Clarke.

She hears Clarke put her glass on the table and feels her moving closer. She puts a piece of her hair behind her ear and Lexa shivers.

Clarke is so close Lexa can almost taste her.

And then Clarke places a kiss below her ear, blonde’s favorite spot and Lexa is lost.

A kiss becomes two and Clarke is on her lap. Her breathing is erratic and Lexa doesn’t breathe at all. She tries to tell something but Clarke’s mouth on her own stop her.

It’s not soft, it’s not loving and it’s not hating. It’s deep and rough and Lexa needs more.

She wants to touch Clarke, pull her closer, show her how much she needs her, but Clarke takes her hands and moves them above Lexa’s head. She doesn’t want to be touched.

When they break apart Clarke’s eyes are the darkest shade of blue and Lexa wonders how did she ever let herself to lose her.

Lexa drops her head and her mouth goes dry. Clarke has her hand in pants. Lexa can almost taste her.

They kiss again and Clarke is now grinding on her fingers, her other hand holding Lexa’s in place. She’s moaning. Loud. It’s everything Lexa ever wanted.

\- You wanna taste me? – she whispers.

Lexa groans.

\- Do you want to taste me? – Clarke repeats, this time looking her in the eyes.

\- Yes.

Clarke takes out her hand, whimpering at the loss of touch.

Lexa has never wanted her more than in this moment.

She brings her fingers to Lexa’s mouth and it’s a game they played many times. Clarke drags her fingers over her lips and Lexa slowly lick after her.

\- Open. – Clarke’s voice is low and raspy and burning with desire. She wants Lexa just as much as Lexa wants her.  
She opens her mouth and those fingers are not on her tongue and she moans, lifting her hips to find Clarke’s.

\- You want more?

She is desperate for more.

\- Yes.

Clarke takes Lexa’s hand in hers and puts in her pants.

Clarke is so wet.

Lexa sucks on her neck. It’s going to leave a mark but she doesn’t care, she needs something, anything.

Clarke moves their fingers over her clit. She’s panting.

And then she stops, resting her head on Lexa’s. She pulls out Lexa’s hand and puts her fingers in her mouth. It takes all the strength Lexa has to not turn her over and fuck her on this couch.

Before Lexa can say anything Clarke is kissing her and her hand is back in her pants.

She comes with Lexa’s name on her lips.

She falls asleep on her.

Lexa leaves before Clarke wakes up.

* * *

 

Later that week Lexa was on a coffee date with Anya and she asked her about Clarke.  Lexa tried to avoid but Anya’s been talking to Raven and Raven’s been talking to Clarke.

So Lexa tells her about half drunk texts and almost sober sex.

They did that a lot these days.

She tells her how she’s not allowed to touch and God that sounds terrible. Truth is Clarke would let her if she tried but she doesn’t want to do something that Clarke is not willing to give without being asked.

Anya doesn’t think that’s healthy and Lexa knows it’s not. But Clarke is the only piece of sanity she has ever had and she doesn’t want to be healthy.

* * *

 

**Clarke**

**20:11**

you wanna come over?

 

Clarke’s message comes earlier than usual.

**20:12**

If you want.

**20:13**

lock the door behind you if i’m in the shower

see you

**20:14**

See you.

Lexa can’t hear the shower running when she enters the apartment. She locks the door and when she turns around she sees Clarke with wet hair, wearing only a shirt.

Lexa’s eyes travel down Clarke’s body and fuck she is so hot.

\- Eyes up here.- Clarke says smiling and then continues – You want something to drink?

That’s when Lexa notices Clarke is not drunk. At all.

\- No, I’m good.

Lexa just stands there. Looking. Thinking.

Clarke shakes her head sighing and moves towards her. She wraps her hands around Lexa’s neck.

\- I want you to touch me. -  she whispers agains Lexa’s mouth.

Clarke kisses her.  It’s soft and shy and Lexa wants to cry. Almost.

But she doesn’t. Instead, she pulls Clarke closer and feels her shaking in her arms.

The kiss is now deep and Clarke’s tongue is on her lips and she can’t think about anything else.

\- Bedroom. – Clarke demands.

They walk to the bedroom, never breaking their kiss and when they get there, Clarke takes of her shirt and then Lexa’s.

Lexa has her hands on Clarke’s hips and she can see her frowning.

\- I said I want you to touch me. You don’t want that?

\- I do.

And just like that Lexa’s hands are remapping the curves and edges of Clarke’s body.

She kisses and marks every inch of her skin.

 

Later that night they are lying in bed, Lexa's back turned to Clarke's front, pretending she's sleeping.

She has to be careful. That’s what Anya told her.  But what does that even mean? She has to avoid Clarke to be careful? Do they have to avoid each other to be happy and not get hurt when Clarke is the only person that ever made her feel full. She was like a missing piece. Lexa lived without her and she did okay, but Clarke made her realize being alive isn’t just about breathing. It’s about rain and leaves and flowers and Clarke’s eyes. Lexa tried and  is trying to avoid her, but that seems to be impossible.

And now she’s here. In this bed. And Clarke’s been tracing memories on her back for the past hour.

Lexa is sure the other girl knows she’s not sleeping. She always knew.

But Clarke’s finger is moving across all those pieces she knows intimately. It’s slow and deliberate and it’s remembering the lazy days spent in bed, the sunny days spent on the beach, the angry days spent on the opposite sides of this bed, the happy days spent in each other’s arms.

\- What are you thinking about? -  Clarke ask abruptly.

Lexa remains silent and Clarke is not touching her anymore.

\- I know you are not sleeping.

Lexa turns around and looks her in the eyes. They are so blue even in the dark.

\- What are we doing Clarke?

It’s the first time she’s said her name out loud since she left.

Clarke stops breathing for a moment and Lexa regrets saying it.

\- I can’t even say your name without you getting a panic attack. – she whisper, sad and tired.

\- No, it’s not that. I just haven’t heard it in so long. I forgot how it sounded.

\- Last time I said it you made sure I never say it again.

\- I was angry. And sad.

\- I know.

\- Why did you say it now?

\- It slipped because all this feels too normal.

\- Yeah.

\- So what are we doing?

\- I don’t know. I just miss you.

Lexa  doesn’t say anything because she might say it all.

* * *

 

Clarke is not in the bed.

That’s the first thing Lexa notices after she opens her eyes.

She smells like Clarke. That’s the second thing.

She hears music and smells coffee. But she doesn’t want to get up. It’s cozy and comfortable and it’s their bed.

She peeks over the pillow and sees Clarke’s sketchbook on the bedside. It’s open and she can see what Clarke was drawing. She probably shouldn’t be looking but it’s open and it’s there and it’s Lexa sleeping.

Clarke did that often. She’s a morning person, always was and always will be. Lexa was never like that. She likes sleeping. Or at least she used to. But Clarke would get up early and draw. More often than not it would be a drawing of Lexa. It would be just a piece of her. Her hair, her leg over the covers, her hand on the pillow. Today it was her face and she can’t help but wonder if Clarke misses her like she misses Clarke.

She gets up because she can’t lie there anymore with that thought in her head.

When she opens the bedroom door she sees Clarke behind the kitchen counter. Dancing. With her hair up in a mess bun. Lexa stands there, watching her and she feels a feeling close to happiness.

But then Clarke sees her and the feeling is gone.

\- Did I wake you? I hope I didn’t.

\- You didn’t, no worries. – Lexa says as she walks to the kitchen.

Clarke takes a cup, pours in coffee and hands it to Lexa.

She’s making pancakes. Lexa’s favorite.

\- Since when do you like rap music? – Lexa ask hoping to distract herself.

\- Takes my mind off things. And it’s good for dance breaks.

Clarke sways her hips with the beat and Lexa’s every hope of being distracted is gone.

\- Sure is.

\- Bon apetite. – Clarke says with a smile on her face as she puts pancakes in front of Lexa.

\- You won’t eat?

\- I already ate. I went for a run, took a shower and ate breakfast.

\- Thank you.

She made breakfast for her. Lexa gets a sudden urge to get up and leave. But instead she takes a bite and moans.

\- They good? – Clarke asks grinning.

\- Mmmm. -  Is all Lexa can say.

They fall into a comfortable silence. Like so many times before.

\- I like the art. – Lexa mumbles between the bites. She needs a conversation. Any kind because the past is suffocating and she can’t live like this inside her head.

\- It can hardly be called art.

Walls are covered with Clarke’s doodles and sketches.

\- Of course it is. It’s awesome.

\- Thanks. I needed something different around me.

Lexa remains silent. She could say how she had to change everything after she left so she could stop seeing Clarke in everything she did and had. But she says nothing.

She finishes the pancakes and they just sit there, on the opposite sides of a kitchen counter and Lexa tries not to think about all those promises she made in that exact spot.

And then Clarke smiles.

\- What? – Lexa asks.

\- Nothing. Just thinking about stuff.

Clarke’s phone rings. She has to answer it. She mumbles something about Octavia and being right back. Lexa can only imagine what it’s about.

When Clarke returns she’s not smiling anymore. She looks annoyed.

\- I have to go. I have work to do, deadlines to meet. -  Lexa says.

\- Oh. Yeah, okay.

\- Thank you for breakfast.

\- Anytime.

\- See you. -  Lexa says as she opens the door.

\- Bye Lexa.

She goes out without looking back.

She could see Clarke wanted a touch, hug, kiss, something. Anything. But she couldn’t do any of that. It all felt a bit too real.

* * *

 

They are in bed after yet another night of soft touches and loud moans. Clarke is drawing circles on Lexa’s cheek and Lexa can’t turn off her brain. She tries not to think about the day she left. It’s hard but the thought comes every now and then and she can’t fight it away. So she thinks about Clarke’s tears. Clarke never asked her why she did that, why she left. Sometimes Lexa thinks she knew that it was bound to happen. That was not the first time she thought about leaving and Clarke knew. She wanted to leave every time she made Clarke sad, every time Octavia yelled at her, every time Clarke said she loves her. She wanted to run, flee. And every time Clarke’s eyes made her stay.

Almost every time.

\- It’s not sex, if that’s what you think. It’s because of this. And we can’t do this without sex. I mean we can but that would be really weird. – Clarke’s voice brings her back to reality.

\- We don’t need to have sex to hang out.

\- I know but that would mean something else and I see… I know what you think about that.

-This is not healthy.

\- I know. I just don’t care. I spent way too many years caring about what people thought was healthy, worrying about all that shit. I’m just too tired to do that anymore. You were my friend, the love of my life, I gave you everything and you took it. You didn’t ask questions and you didn’t judge. You just were there. And I know you. I know what you think and how you think it. I always knew. I know I am the love of your life. Maybe you don’t understand that just yet, or maybe you don’t know or don’t want to deal with that but I just don’t care. I want to be able to hug you when I need to because hugging anyone else wouldn’t be and isn’t enough. We can stop having sex. I think we should really because that part is not healthy at all. I just don’t want to stop talking to you. I did that for 2 years and I can’t do it anymore.

\- We can be friends. – Lexa whispers with tears in her eyes.

* * *

 

\- You need to have sex.

Lexa is having lunch with Anya and she wants her to have sex

\- I really don’t care what you think about my sex life.

\- You should.

\- I’m fine like this.

\- If by fine you mean pissy and grumpier than usually then yeah, you are peachy.

\- I am fine.

\- Yes, whatever you say. No dinner date today?

\- No. She’s on a date.

\- And what do you think about that?

\- Nothing.

Truth is Lexa doesn’t know what to think.  She wonders if Clarke knew about the date when they were in bed the other night or if it’s something that came up after. She’s sure it’s the first. Clarke knew and wanted to tell but didn’t know how.  

\- You must think something.

\- I’m happy for her.

\- You are happy she’s on a date with some girl?

\- Yes I am.

\- They met in the gallery. She came to buy some paintings and charmed her way to a date.

\- Why are you telling me this?

\- Maybe it makes you go on a date.

\- It won’t.

\- Raven says she’s super hot. Tall and dark and handsome.

\- I don’t care. We are just friends. I’m happy for her.

\- Yeah, sure you are.

They are just friends.

* * *

 

_November 18 th, 2018._

_I’m sitting in a coffee shop.With you. You are drawing something and I’m writing something._

_It all came to us too easy. We started to hang out more, talk more, laugh more. We watch movies, we walk or we just sit like now. It’s like before. It’s easy, it’s comfortable, it’s normal. I don’t know what to think about it. I try not to think at all, it’s better like that._

_We are friends._

_I repeat that to Anya, to Raven, to everyone._

_I repeat it mostly to myself._

_There are days when it feels like we are more than friends. When you will come to my place tired. You’ll climb into my bed and fall asleep in my arms._

_I sleep better with you next to me but there are nights when I can’t sleep and I feel your grip on my hips, holding me tightly, I hear you mumbling my name in your sleep, I see you drawing me again. And I repeat to myself that we are just friends and that you do that with your other friends but then I see how you look at me when you think I can’t see and my heart hurts._

_We are just friends_

\- Writing something interesting? – Clarke asks.

\- Depends what you find interesting. But no, not really. You drawing something interesting?

\- Just a pretty girl. – she says smiling.

\- Oh really? Someone I know?

\- Hmmm… Maybe.

\- Show me.

\- It’s not done.

\- You can still show me.

\- If you show me what you’ve been writing.

\- That’s not fair. What if I’m writing to someone?

Clarke frowns. Just a bit and just enough for Lexa to see.

\- You can still show me. I can help your game.

\- My game is just fine.

\- Not what I remember.

\- I did get you didn’t I? So it’s not that bad.

\- Oh please, if it wasn’t for me we’d never even met.

\- You mean if I didn’t let you to sit with me.

\- Yeah like you would have said no to me. You were drooling.

\- I wasn’t.

\- You were staring pretty much the entire time we sat there.

\- I wasn’t. I was just looking at your sketch.

\- That and my boobs.

\- I liked your ass more.

\- And not anymore?

\- I appreciate them equally.

\- Why did you sit with me? I saw there were other benches.- Lexa continues.

\- You were cute and I tried my luck.

\- Yeah, yeah sure.  But back to the important stuff, show me what you drew.

\- Show me what you wrote. I can help you if it’s for a girl.

A faint smile appears on Clarke’s lips and it hurts that Clarke would think that. Lexa knows it shouldn’t hurt because they are friends but it hurts and it makes her think if Clarke has someone she writes to. Or fucks.

\- It’s not. There’s no one if that’s what you are asking. I’m just writing stuff for myself.

\- Like a diary?

\- I don’t know, maybe. I just occasionally write stuff.

\- It’s you.

\- What?

\- This sketch, it’s you.

\- Did you make me look pretty?

\- I can never do justice to how pretty you are.

Lexa blushes. She could never get used to Clarke complimenting her, no matter how often she did it.

\- But okay, you can see it. – Clarke says after hesitating a bit.

She turns the paper to Lexa and she sees herself, sitting in front of her laptop, hair hanging loose next to her face and Lexa can’t help wonder if Clarke ever stopped drawing her.

\- It looks amazing.

\- Thanks.

\- You need to find a more suitable model.

\- Nah, this model sold all my paintings so I think I’ll stick with it. – Clarke pauses for a moment and then speaks again - Are you writing anything? Besides that thing for yourself.

\- Ugh, not really. Indra is so mad at me.

\- Not feeling inspired?

\- It’s not that. I have an idea but I don’t know if I can do it.

\- What do you mean?

She wants to write about Clarke and she doesn’t know if she can do it without hurting herself. She knows she can’t.

\- I don’t know. I don’t know if I can put all that on the paper and end in one piece.

\- Oh. It’s the touchy feely stuff.

\- Maybe.

\- I’ll be here for the hugs if you need them.

\- Thank you.

The air between them is thick with unspoken words and thoughts. Lexa hasn’t felt like this in a long time and she doesn’t know what to do.

One thing she knows is that this doesn’t feel like friendship.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She dreams of happy Clarke and even happier Lexa.  
> She dreams all the I love yous.  
> She dreams about broken promises.  
> She dreams the heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to think about this.
> 
> Thanks again to the wonderful @oscillatewildely, she the true MVP.

Yesterday Lexa woke up sick and today was no better. 

Lexa was never sick. Except when she was but she’d never admit that. There were times in college when she was so sick she could barely breathe properly and yet she’d go around assuring people how everything is fine. She never liked the idea of depending on someone else and being sick meant she had to. So she decided she’ll never be sick. Safe to say that didn’t work out well.

She still remembers the first time Clarke saw her like that.

It was 4 months after they got together. Every Friday they would do something together. Spend the day watching movies, go on a picnic or just ride around talking, laughing and enjoying each other's company. This Friday they were supposed to go hiking. It was Lexa’s idea and Clarke said yes just because it was Lexa. So when Lexa texted her canceling their plans, she knew something was wrong.

\- What’s going on? – Clarke asked as soon as Lexa answered the phone.

\- Hello Clarke. I’m just not in the mood.

Lexa’s voice was hoarse and deeper than usually.

\- 10 hours ago you were the most excited person alive and now you are not in the mood? – she was starting to get angry.

\- Yes.

And then Clarke heard Lexa cough.

\- Are you sick?

And again.

\- I’m not.

\- It sounds like you are.

\- I’m fine Clarke.

\- Then why don’t you want to go on this hiking thing you talked me into?

Clarke heard more coughing, this time muffled. Lexa was trying to hide it and Clarke was starting to get worried.

\- I’ll come over. – she said when Lexa didn’t say anything.

\- No.

\- Why not?

\- Nothing is wrong.

\- Well okay, I’ll just come and we can watch movies or something if you don’t feel like going out.

Clarke heard Lexa let out a long breath before she spoke again.

\- Don’t. You’ll get sick.

\- So you are sick. I’ll be there in 20.

\- No, Clarke… - but before Lexa could say anything Clarke hung up.

Half an hour later Clarke let herself in Lexa’s apartment and found her lying on the couch. Lexa sat up and watched Clarke put 2 bags on the table before walking to the couch.

\- Hey. – Clarke said softly after sitting next to Lexa. – You look like shit.

\- Gee thanks.

Clarke leaned in to kiss her but Lexa turned her head away.

\- No, you’ll get sick.

\- Shhh I don’t care.

Clarke pressed their lips together. The kiss was short and soft.

\- You are burning.

\- I’m fine. It’s just a cold.

\- No, you are not. Did you eat anything? Took any meds?

\- I drank some water this morning.

\- For someone as smart as you are, you sure are dumb. I’ll make you some soup and tea and you’ll eat it and drink it and take some meds and sleep. – Clarke said and stood up.

\- You don’t have to do that Clarke, I will be fine. – Lexa protested trying to get up and stop Clarke but Clarke’s hand pulled her down.

\- Lie down and don’t move.

So Lexa did the only thing she could. She lied down and closed her eyes.

After some time, she heard Clarke calling her.

\- Lexa? Hey, wake up, you have to eat.

\- No. Sleep.

Everything on her body was hurting.

\- You will, as soon as you eat something.

\- Hurts.

\- I know babe, but c’mon just a bit, I promise you will feel better after.

Lexa sat up, with her eyes still closed and Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her girlfriend.

\- You have to open your eyes. – Clarke said softly.

\- Too bright.

Clarke got up closed the blinders and turned off all the lights in the room except for the one in kitchen. When she returned, Lexa had opened her eyes.

\- Better?

\- Yes, thank you.

\- Can you eat on your own or do I have…

\- I can do it. – Lexa answered before Clarke asked.

\- Okay, I’ll hold the bowl.

Lexa grabbed the first spoon but her hands were shaking so much that there was more soup on the blanket covering her legs than in her mouth. Clarke stopped her before she could try again.

\- Lex, you can’t. Give me the spoon.

\- No. I can do it myself.

Lexa wasn’t letting go, Clarke knew that much so she brought the bowl as close to Lexa’s mouth as she could and let the girl do it herself.

\- I can’t anymore. – Lexa said, putting the spoon in the bowl. She ate half of it.

Clarke put the bowl on the table and took the cup with tea in it.

\- Here, drink it while it’s still warm.

Lexa almost missed the straw but she managed to take few sips before turning her head away.

\- You have to drink more. – Clarke said.

\- I can’t.

\- Lex, you have to.

Lexa hesitated but then drank some more.

\- No more.

\- Okay. I’ll go get you some meds don’t fall asleep before I get back.

Clarke went to the kitchen and searched the bag to find the pills she brought for Lexa. When she sat back on the couch, Lexa had her eyes closed.

\- Lexa?

\- Yeah. – Lexa said sheepishly opening her eyes.

\- I’ll let you sleep as soon as you drink this.

Lexa took the pills and Clarke got up so the other girl could lie down.

\- Do you want to go to bed? – Clarke asked her.

\- I can’t.

\- Are you cold?

\- No.

\- Okay. Sleep well. – Clarke said before kissing Lexa’s forehead.

When Lexa woke up she saw Clarke sitting on the floor leaning on the couch. Her head was still hurting but it was better than this morning.

\- What time is it? – Lexa asked.

\- Hey sleepyhead. – Clarke said and turned around putting her hand on Lexa’s forehead. – It’s 6. Your fever is down.

\- How long did I sleep?

\- 6 hours I think. How are you feeling?

\- My head hurts.

Clarke was now sitting on the couch and had her fingers in Lexa’s hair.

\- My poor pretty head.

Lexa smiled and Clarke kissed the corner of her lips.

\- You’ll get sick.

\- Doesn’t matter. Are you hungry? I can make you toast if you don’t want soup.

\- Later.

\- I’m sorry I ruined our plans – Lexa said after a couple minutes.

\- You did no such thing.

Clarke cupped her cheek and kissed her softly.

\- I still got to kiss you – she said smiling – We can go hiking next week. Or never.

Lexa laughed, laugh turned into cough and Clarke offered her an apologetic smile. She spent the rest of the day sleeping and being woken by Clarke to eat and drink.

Somewhere around 11 pm Lexa managed to move back to her bed. Clarke helped her change her clothes and tucked her in.

\- Can you stay? – Lexa asked.

Instead of answering Clarke just got under covers and hugged Lexa from behind.

\- Goodnight Clarke.

\- Goodnight Lexa.

Lexa couldn’t sleep. In part because she spent all day sleeping, in part because she was overwhelmed with everything that happened.

It was the first time someone did something like that for her.

It was the first time she let someone do that for her.

Clarke was different.

\- I love you. – she whispered hoping Clarke wouldn’t hear.

Clarke said nothing and Lexa drifted off to sleep.

Next time Lexa was sick, she was living with Clarke and she let Clarke take care of her.

This time Lexa is alone and she refuses to be sick. She forces herself to take a shower, to eat and drink but she can’t and it’s all too much so she just stuffs herself with cold meds and sleeps.

She dreams of Clarke. Her blue eyes and blonde locks. Her soft touches and even softer kisses. She can feel her under her fingertips.

She dreams of happy Clarke and even happier Lexa.

She dreams all the I love yous.

She dreams about broken promises.

She dreams the heartbreak.

She wakes up drenched in sweat.

Lexa is not sure if it’s her head or the meds but she picks up her phone and calls Clarke.

It rings and rings and just before Lexa realizes how bad idea that was, Clarke answers.

\- Hey.

Lexa hears music playing and people yelling and she remembers it’s Friday and Clarke is with Raven and Octavia.

\- Hi. Sorry for bothering you, I forgot you were out. I’ll let you get back.

\- You’re not bothering, is something wrong?

\- No no, everything is fine. I’m just sick. Shit. No no. I’m okay.

She can’t hear the music anymore, only Clarke’s laugh.

\- Oh, I see.

\- I’m fine really, just wanted to talk, I guess.

\- Do you need me to come over?

\- It’s okay, I’ll be okay, you go back and have fun.

\- Are you eating? Drinking?

\- I am and sleeping. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.

\- Okay. Go sleep then. You’ll feel better.

\- I will. And sorry for calling you. Hope you have a nice night.

\- No worries and thanks. Hope you feel better. Bye Lexa.

\- Bye Clarke.

Lexa falls asleep with the sound of Clarke’s voice in the back of her head. After a couple of hours the buzzing of her phone wakes her up.

Her head hurts and she feels exhausted.

 

**Clarke**

** 01:12 **

are you sleeping?

** 01:13 **

sorry if this wakes you up

** 01:14 **

I’m up.

**Clarke**

** 01:14 **

i’m downstairs, can i come up?

** 01:15 **

Okay. You’ll have to wait a minute.

 

Lexa gets up and everything around her is spinning. Somehow she manages to get to the front door without falling. When she opens, she sees Clarke with a bag full of food.

\- You look awful. – Clarke says.

\- Thanks. What are you doing here?

Lexa moves so Clarke can get inside and leans on the door.

\- I brought you food because I knew you probably didn’t eat anything.

After she put the bag on the table, Clarke moves to Lexa’s side and takes her hand helping her get to the chair.

\- Did you at least take something for the fever? – Clarke asks.

\- I did. It was okay before.

\- Okay. First you’ll eat something and then shower and then sleep.

Lexa does as Clarke says.

When she wakes up and her bed is empty. She finds Clarke sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and smiling at her phone.

\- You are very pretty.

Clarke looks up and smiles at her.

\- Thanks. How are you feeling?

\- Been better. What time is it?

\- 8. Do you want something to eat?

\- No, later.

Lexa sits next to her and feels a sudden urge to ask Clarke if she still loves her.

\- I’m sorry. – she says instead.

\- I already told you there’s no need for that. I wanted to come.

\- No, I don’t mean last night. I am sorry I ruined your night but I’m also sorry for everything else.

Clarke looks at her and Lexa feels dizzy.

\- I’m just sorry. I never wanted to…

\- No. – Clarke cuts her off – Don’t. You don’t get to do that. Not then and not now. Just… just leave it.

Clarke leaves and Lexa wonders if maybe she should’ve asked her about love.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Clarke can't sleep. She thinks about love and Lexa. She realizes it's been a while since she thought about one without the other. There is never again going to be love without Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments, you the best.
> 
> And again, thanks @oscillatewildely for being awesome.

Clarke can’t sleep.

She lies awake, staring into the darkness of the room she’s in. The bed is uncomfortable and the smell is unfamiliar. She can hear the sirens wailing somewhere in the distance. There’s a constant tapping on the window and every few seconds the lightning lights up the room. Her mind drifts off to Lexa and their first storm. Lexa never liked loud things. Or especially bright ones. She liked being in the dark, it was soothing, comforting, natural. Clarke thought Lexa could never be scared of anything. But then the thunders came and Lexa was shaking.

Slow shift of the body next to her takes Clarke back to reality. There’s a woman lying there and she’s been sleeping for some time.

They were on a date. Their fourth one in as many weeks.

Octavia set them up. She’s a friend of a friend and she’s hot. That’s what Octavia told Clarke. And she didn’t lie. Clarke learned that she’s also sweet and kind. She likes to listen more than she likes to speak. She says all the right jokes and asks all the right questions. She’s a lawyer and her name is Kate. She’s also a bit too loud and is not crazy enough. Those are also the only things Clarke could find that were some kind of a flaw.

Their first date was popcorn and movies. Clarke picked the movie. Something packed with action and easy to forget. She wanted it to be as painless as possible. She was doing it mostly for Octavia who’s been bugging her to go on more dates for months. So Clarke said yes, even though she wanted to say no. But she knew saying yes to this one thing would buy her some more time to avoid the next thing. Besides, there was some comfort in half empty cinema and over priced popcorn.

\- This was fun. – Kate said while they were walking to their cars.

\- Yes it was.

\- Wanna do it again?

Clarke didn’t expect the date would go so well. The movie was ridiculous and Kate made a point of mocking everything that happened on the screen. Clarke enjoyed it. This girl took her mind off things and made her smile for almost 2 hours. So she decided to give it another try. It being finding something terribly wrong that could justify never calling her again.

Second date was a basketball game. During the first one, Clarke mentioned how long it was since she’s been on one. She didn’t mention that it was something she would do with Lexa. Almost every week.

That’s what she missed the most when Lexa left. All the fun things they would do together, games they would watch and play, impromptu trips to the places one of them always wanted to see.

But this time it was Kate who took her to a game.

Clarke felt like a child watching fireworks for the first time. Overly excited and terribly anxious. She tried to smile and enjoy, not think about Lexa which was almost impossible because she was everywhere and being there with someone else felt like cheating.

But Kate didn’t deserve that so Clarke smiled and laughed and tried to enjoy the night.

It wasn’t that bad.

Third time they went out for drinks and Clarke got drunk. Really drunk. She said she wouldn’t but she did anyway. They danced and kissed and Clarke wanted to take Kate home. She needed it.

\- No Clarke. – Kate said after Clarke asked her for the second time.

\- Why? You don’t like me?

\- I do like you. That’s why no. You are really drunk and I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret in the morning.

\- I won’t.

\- Next time.

Kate put her in taxi and made sure Clarke texted when she got home.

Which lead to earlier this night and their fourth date. They were in some fancy restaurant. They ate expensive food and drank even more expensive wine. They talked about love, sex and death. Clarke did, Kate listened.

\- Love is an overrated getaway for the sad and lonely. – Clarke said.

\- So you never loved anyone?

\- Didn’t say that.

\- Oh, so you’ll never love again?

\- Didn’t say that either. It’s a drug. A really good one but it still kills.

\- Who hurt you and left you thinking that?

\- I hurt myself.

\- Bullshit.

\- Not really.

\- You can't honestly think someone would believe that. When someone talks about love like that it's usually because of a broken heart.

\- And like I said, I did it myself.

\- You broke your own heart?

\- Yes, by doing and not doing the things I should have done.

\- Yeah, but, like, the other person must have had some influence?

\- She didn't break anything. She just showed me how things could be.

\- I don't understand.

\- I was never someone who romanticised the romantic love. It was never a big deal. I fell in love, I fell out of love, I loved people and then didn't. It was just how life was. Then I met someone who filled all the gaps and warned me they probably wouldn't be filled forever. It was the happiest and scariest period of my life. She showed me what my life could be.

\- And what happened?

\- Love. And love did what love does.

They didn't talk about love anymore. Instead they talked about books, movies and songs.

They ended the night in Kate's bed.

And Clarke can't sleep. She thinks about love and Lexa. She realizes it's been a while since she thought about one without the other. There is never again going to be love without Lexa.

Clarke quietly gets up and leaves.

* * *

 

\- So you just left?

\- Yes Raven, I just left.

Clarke has spent the last 20 minutes talking to Raven about the events of last night.

\- But I thought you liked her?

\- She's nice and fun but I don't want it to become something serious.

\- Ah, I see.

\- If you want to lecture me please don't, I'm not in the mood.

\- Have you talked to her?

\- Not since last night.

\- I don't mean Kate. Have you talked to Lexa?

\- We talk almost every day.

\- Yeah, but...

\- I said I don't want another lecture.

\- It's not a lecture. I'm just trying to understand  what exactly are you two doing.

\- Can we talk about something else. For example, are you having fun on your new job?

Clarke doesn't want to talk about Lexa or her relationship with Lexa. She doesn't even want to think about it. She wants everyone to stop asking her questions and let her live without being constantly reminded about everything that happened. These days, the only person who doesn't make her life harder is Lexa.

\- It's definitely more fun than the last one. I get to do a lot of cool stuff, cool secret stuff. And I work with the equipment worth millions of dollars so that's also fun.

\- Don't blow it up, this time you won't be able to pay it off.

\- No worries Griffin, I know how to do stuff.

\- Mmm sure you do.

\- Speaking of doing stuff, how's that painting going?

\- Still a work in progress. It's getting better.

\- Cool cool, I'm sure it's gonna be bomb, as always. You have to do three, right?

\- Four, 3 for the gallery and one for my mom. It's her birthday soon.

\- You should buy her a plane ticket to Vegas or someplace like that, that woman needs to live more. But I guess something cheesy like a painting will also be okay.

\- Thanks Raven, I knew I could always count on your support.

\- Always.

Clarke's been friends with Raven since middle school. Raven's family moved in across the street from Clarke's house at the end of summer. The two of them became instant friends. Raven was there for the good and the bad, when Clarke sold her first painting and when Lexa left her.

They spend the rest of the day watching silly movies and reality shows. Sometimes Clarke feels that's the only thing she'll ever need to feel happy.

* * *

 

Clarke is working on her last painting when her phone rings and Lexa's name pops up on the screen. 

**Lexa**

** 01:27 **

I think I need to run around my bed...

** 01:30 **

why would you do that?

**Lexa**

** 01:31 **

To catch up on my sleep...

** 01:33 **

lexa.... i swear to god

**Lexa**

** 01:34 **

Clarke?

** 01:35 **

lexa?

**Lexa**

** 01:36 **

Why was the belt arrested?

** 01:38 **

omg

**Lexa**

** 01:39 **

Because it held up some pants...

** 01:45 **

Clarke?

** 01:47 **

Are you sleeping?

** 01:48 **

no

just dying from laughing

**Lexa**

** 01:50 **

Glad to be of service :p

** 01:51 **

glad to have you :p

**Lexa**

** 01:52 **

I'm so tired, can't wait to get to the bed.

And how was your date?

** 01:54 **

you are not home?

it was fine

**Lexa**

** 01:55 **

Just got in. I was out with some friends.

** 01:57 **

hope it was fun

**Lexa**

** 02:02 **

Wasn't bad. In bed now. Sleep.

** 02:03 **

goodnight lexa

**Lexa**

** 02:04 **

Night Clarke.

The first time Lexa sent her a random joke was after their first date.

They agreed to meet at a coffee shop not far from Clarke's apartment. It was their first time seeing each other after that second encounter in the park and Clarke was nervous. Lexa was quiet, smart, funny and hot. Clarke couldn't stop thinking about her. In the short time they spent together Clarke learned that Lexa knows a lot about almost everything.  And she was aware of it. She was so confident and passionate about everything she said that Clarke wanted to just listen to her talk until the end of time. The passion and confidence were mostly in Lexa's eyes, the rest of her body was as collected and put together as it was that day when they met.

Clarke did everything she could to make Lexa say more than two sentences in a row but Lexa always found a way to avoid it.

So yes, Clarke was nervous. This time she wouldn't be able to just stare at Lexa while she talked or looked in the distance. She had to impress her.

She was an hour early hoping that would calm her nerves, but when 15 minutes later Lexa walked through the door, Clarke could do nothing but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

\- You are early. – Lexa said as she sat down.

\- So are you. – Clarke said smiling.

Lexa was in her usual black jeans, she had a white shirt and her hair flowed over her shoulder.

Clarke never saw someone nearly as beautiful.

\- I was nervous.

\- Not anymore?

\- Maybe a bit.

\- What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot?

Immediately after Clarke said it, she wanted to punch herself. Lexa looked at her, confused, and before the girl could say anything words came rushing from Clarke's mouth.

\- That was a beginning of a really dumb joke, not a question. A nervous wreck, that's what lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot, it's also me. I'm nervous and a total wreck. And also you apparently. I mean, I don't think you are a wreck, because you are not, you are just nervous. Oh God. I'm sorry. I'll just stop talking.

When Lexa started laughing Clarke somehow knew she would be alright.

Later that day, after Lexa walked home from what ended to be a pretty decent date, Clarke got a text.

**Lexa**

** 22:41 **

Did you sit in a pile of sugar?

** 22:42 **

Because you have a pretty sweet ass.

Goodnight Clarke.

 

Right then and there Clarke knew she was falling in love and right now, as she's lying in bed, she falls asleep hoping to dream about Lexa.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She doesn't know how she should feel. It's not the first time Clarke sent her something like that but it's the first time she got butterflies in her stomach instead of the pain in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who reads this and to @oscillatewildely for reading it first.

When Lexa knocked on Clarke's door she didn't expect Raven to be the one to open them. Lexa wasn't planning on showing unannounced but she was in the neighborhood, she had a bad week, even worse day and she just wanted to spend a couple of minutes around Clarke.

\- Hey Lexa. – Raven greeted her surprised.

\- Who is it? – Clarke yelled from somewhere inside the apartment.

Lexa heard another voice and then Clarke showed up in front of her.

\- Hey you. – Clarke said.

\- Hi, I was close by and wanted to say hi. I didn't know you'd have company. I'll go, we can talk later, ortomorrow.

Lexa was already ready to leave, but Clarke's voice stopped her.

\- You don't have to leave. It was my mom's birthday yesterday so we are having dinner. It's just her and Raven. You don't have to stay if you don't want or something. But you can. I'm sure my mom would be happy to see you.

 When Lexa nodded, Clarke grabbed her hand and pulled her inside.

That's how Lexa found herself in the position she's right now, standing in front of Clarke's mother.

Abby always loved her, but Abby loves Clarke more than anything, so Lexa was more than surprised when Abby smiled and hugged her.

They haven't seen each other since Lexa left and even though Abby was always kind and warm, Lexa didn't expect her to be this kind and warm.

\- Lexa! I heard you were back. How are you?

Lexa realizes Abby knew she came back which can only mean that Clarke talked to her mother about Lexa.

She is at the same time terrified and delighted.

\- I'm okay and happy birthday to you, next time I won't be empty handed – Lexa says as Abby pulls back.

\- Thank you but no need for that, who needs presents?

\- You didn't say that when I gave you that painting yesterday. – Clarke says smirking.

\- But I did when Raven gave me nothing.

\- I make sure your daughter eats properly and laughs at least once a week so that's my present. – Raven adds and Abby laughs.

Lexa wants to be able to laugh but she can't because she remembers how this conversation went the last time Raven said something like that.

\- As I said, doesn't matter. Lexa, come, sit, we were just about to eat. – Abby offers.

Lexa sees there's now an extra plate set on the table and she hesitates. She looks over to Clarke who just offers a small nod. That's enough for Lexa.

\- Tell me Lexa, where have you been? What did you do? I asked Clarke but she didn't want to tell me.

\- No, I said I can't tell you because I didn't know.– Clarke interrupts her mother.

\- I find that hard to believe.

\- It's true – Lexa says.

\- Well, tell us now.

\- I was in Europe, mostly in Italy doing some freelance working on something of my own.

\- Wow, Italy, that sounds exciting. And writing something hm? When can I expect to be able to buy it?

\- Yes, Italy was great. And if I were you I wouldn't be waiting for that to happen. I was working on it, I didn't finish.

\- I don't believe that for a second but whatever you say. Tell me more about Italy.

Lexa talks about her time spent away. She tells them about Rome and Sicily, Milan and Alps, she tells them about the art and history, about food and wine.

She doesn't tell them how lonely she was.

She doesn't tell them how many times she cried herself to sleep.

She doesn't tell them how much she missed them all.

She doesn't tell them how good it felt to be far away.

She doesn't tell them how much it hurt to be that far.

\- That's all good but tell us about all the hot ladies you met. – Raven says grinning.

\- Raven. – Abby warns looking over at Clarke who just laughs.

\- It's fine. You can come with me next time and I'll set you up.

\- Thanks Lex, you were always my favorite.

\- Likewise.

Lexa really missed all this.

After they finish their meal, Clarke starts to pick up the dishes and Lexa helps her move everything to the kitchen.

\- I'm sorry for coming uninvited. – Lexa says once they are alone.

Clarke chuckles.

\- You have nothing to worry about, on the contrary, you probably made her day.

\- I never thought things would play out like that but I'm glad they did.

\- What did you think would happen? – Clarke leans on the counter and looks at Lexa standing in front of her.

\- I thought she would hate me. – Lexa says looking over Clarke's shoulder to where Abby and Raven are sitting. – Because of everything I did. – she adds, shifting her eyes to Clarke's.

\- It's not possible to hate you.

Lexa wants to hug her, she wants to drop on her knees and beg Clarke to forgive her, she wants to wipe away the sadness from Clarke's eyes.

\- Are you two coming here or am I supposed to suffer through this movie alone? – Raven yells.

\- In a minute. – Clarke yells back. 

\- I should go. – Lexa whispers.

\- You should stay.

Clarke takes her hand and drags her to the couch.

Lexa sits next to Clarke, stares at some dumb movie Abby picked and thinks about the last time they did something like this.

They were on this same couch, watching an equally dumb movie Raven picked and Lexa spent the entire time staring at Clarke, holding her hand and kissing her neck. She'd place soft kisses along Clarke's jaw and then watch her girlfriend's eyes close a bit and her lips turn into a smile.

\- Stop. – Clarke would whisper.

\- You're just too sweet, I can't get enough of you.

Which would then lead to giggles and more kisses and groans from Raven who gave up a long time ago on trying to shut them up.

Lexa would eventually stop and nuzzle her face in Clarke's neck, waiting for the movie to finish so she could have Clarke all for herself.

This time she holds her hand on her leg and she can't bare to look at Clarke so she just stares at the screen, pretending to watch.

By the time the movie finishes, Clarke has her hand on Lexa's and Lexa has a smile on her face.

* * *

\- I am not having this conversation with you, not now and not ever.

Clarke is angry. After the movie ended Lexa left and Abby started questioning Clarke, that's when she got angry.

\- So you two are not getting back together?

\- No mom.

\- Then why are you doing this to yourself?

\- What exactly am I doing to myself?

\- Do you remember what happened when she left you?

\- Like I said, I'm not having this conversation.

\- Have you talked with her?

\- She doesn't like to talk about her. – Raven cuts in.

\- She has a name. – Clarke is very angry.

\- Listen Clarke, Lexa is wonderful and I love her but do you remember how devastated you were when she left? Because I do, I remember you coming back home and sleeping in your old bedroom because you couldn't breathe in here. I remember how much time it took you to collect the broken pieces of yourself and put them back together. And now I see how you look at her and we both know how it all ends. You tried and you failed and now you need to stop.

Clarke can't stop the tears.

\- What I need is for everyone to stop acting like they know what's best for me and to stop treating me like I'm some fucking child. I don't need you. You also need to stop assuming you know her because you don't. You don't know her. Stop blaming her for things you know nothing about. It takes two people to start and two people to end a relationship.

\- Maybe if you talked with someone about what happened we would understand and stop. – Raven says softly.

\- Or you could just stop because I asked you to.

\- You are right, I don't know her like you do but I know you shouldn't let her treat you like that.

\- What? – Clarke can't believe what her mother just said.

\- You need to respect yourself more than to allow her to come and go as she wishes.

\- I think you should leave before I say something I'll regret.

\- I don't mean anything bad Clarke, you just need to think about yourself first.

\- No, you really need to leave. Both of you.

\- I'll talk to you tomorrow. – Raven says getting up.

\- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

\- I'll call you. – Clarke jumps in before Abby can finish.

After they leave, Clarke throws herself on the bed. She feels empty. She didn't plan for the night to end like this. She thought she had no more tears to cry.

She takes her phone in hope of finding some distraction.

Instead she finds 3 new messages from Lexa.

**Lexa**

** 23:16 **

Got home safely.

** 23:20 **

Thank you for the wonderful evening.

** 23:45 **

Sleep well.

** 00:45 **

i'm glad you had fun

Clarke gets up and opens a bottle of wine. She takes a glass and walks to her computer. She sits down and opens a folder she promised herself she'd never open again.

It's pictures. Thousands of them.

Lexa sleeping.

Lexa kissing Clarke.

Clarke kissing Lexa.

Pictures of their first and last trip.

Clarke knows what they did and how she felt in each and every of those pictures.

** 3:10 **

i miss taking pictures of your face

* * *

Lakes wakes up to the sound of her phone ringing. It takes her a moment to realize it's not the alarm but that someone is calling her.

\- I've been standing in front of your door for the last 10 minutes. What the fuck are you doing? – she hears Anya's voice.

\- What?

\- I'm outside. Open.

\- Give me a minute.

Anya hangs up and Lexa can see it's almost 12. She also sees a few missed calls from Anya and a couple of messages from Clarke but before she can look at those she needs to let Anya in or she will kill her.

They were supposed to meet for coffee at 11 but apparently Lexa forgot to turn her alarm on. Or she just slept through.

\- I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened. – Lexa says as she opens the door for visibly angry Anya.

\- I thought you died.

\- Don't be dramatic. I just overslept. It happens. I'm sorry it happened today.

\- I brought you coffee. – Anya says pointing at the cup she put on the kitchen counter.

\- Thanks.

\- You look strangely happy today.

Coffee is warm and exactly what Lexa needs.

\- Thanks? I guess.

\- It's good, happy always looks good on you. – Anya says and then adds – Where were you last night? And I know you weren't here because I was here and there was no sign of you.

\- I was at Clarke's place.

\- Oh, now I know why you look so happy.

\- It wasn't what you think it was. It was her mom's birthday the day before and I kinda crashed the party. Wasn't really a party, just Clarke, Abby and Raven. I was in the neighborhood and stopped by but the they were just about to have dinner and they asked me to stay.

\- You had dinner with Abby and Clarke?

\- Yes.

\- I was right to worry about you being dead. How are you still alive?

\- Funny. Abby was nice. She asked where I was, what I did, we talked about stuff and things.

\- So she acted like everything was normal?

\- Everything is normal.

\- Hmmm I wouldn't call normal pretending to be a friend with your ex with whom you are still in love, but okay, whatever helps you sleep till noon.

\- Anya, please.

\- Yes, yes. You should look at your phone or I'll throw it out the window.

Lexa's phone has been buzzing almost non stop.

 

**Clarke**

** 00:45 **

i'm glad you had fun

** 03:10 **

i miss taking pictures of your face

** 03:41 **

you have a really nice face

** 04:02 **

i love your face

and your eyes

** 04:03 **

they are also on your face

** 04:04 **

best face ever

** 11:52 **

i'm so sorry

SO sorry

** 11:54 **

all the wine got to my head

** 12:01 **

sorry

 

\- What did she say? – Anya says.

\- What?

\- You are smiling at your phone like a moron. What did Clarke say?

\- Nothing. – Lexa puts her phone down without sending anything back.

\- Really?

Lexa doesn't know how to feel.

She doesn't know how she should feel. It's not the first time Clarke sent her something like that but it's the first time she got butterflies in her stomach instead of the pain in her heart.

\- She said she likes my face. And then she apologized for saying that.

\- Oh Lexa. You need to talk to her.

\- I can't.

\- Why?

\- Because she doesn't want.

\- You two are so fucked up.

She takes her phone and types a message to Clarke.

** 12:28 **

No need to apologize. You also have a really nice face.

 

Clarke replies instantly and Lexa smiles.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are the sweetest, kindest, most caring person ever. And whoever made you feel like you are something other than that, doesn't deserve to have you in their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appreciate the comments, you are all wonderful.
> 
> Thanks @oscillatewildely

**_December 10 th 2016_ **

_Did I ever tell you what used to be my safe place?_

_Many worlds theory._

_Maybe there is another Earth somewhere far from this one._

_And then another one._

_And another one._

_Infinite more planets like Earth, infinite number of universes like ours, hovering just out of each other's reach._

_Infinite version of me living on those Earth's._

_Maybe every time I had a choice to make my reality split itself to two versions of me. I'm in this one and the other me in that other one. Then those version split again and again and again each time I decide to do this one thing instead of that other thing._

_Crazy, right?_

_I don't talk about it with people. I used to but people thought I lost my mind. Those who didn't find the idea crazy believed I was a lunatic for thinking something like that is good._

_People really love their free will and when you tell them it doesn't really matter what you choose to do because in some other time branch you will do the exact opposite thing they get really angry._

_I used to dream about waking up in one of those other universes, living a life of that other me. I wondered if I would have the same friends, the same job, if there's one where I'm a president of some country or just a regular chair._

_I'm probably all of those._

_Then I met you and I stopped wanting to wake up on a foreign planet in a foreign universe._

_Suddenly I understood why everyone was so mad._

_I didn't want to wake up in a world where I'm not with you, or even worse, a world where I never had you._

_Many worlds theory became a scary thing._

_And then I lost you._

_Many worlds theory didn't matter anymore._

* * *

 

**Clarke**

** 13:44 **

we are watching the game tonight

your place

make food

** 13:50 **

Do I have a say in this?

**Clarke**

** 13:51 **

nope

** 13:52 **

Bossy.

When should I expect you?

**Clarke**

** 13:55 **

time is not real

but i'll be there around 6

** 13:57 **

Yes ma'am.

 

Lexa smiles, maybe her day won't be as bad as she thought it would be.

Clarke has always had a Lexa sense. She could always tell if something was wrong even when there where oceans between them. If Lexa was having a bad day, Clarke would always call, make her smile and forget the world or sit and listen if Lexa wanted to talk.

Today is one of those days.

Last night Lexa went out with Anya and two other friends. Three of them were at Lexa's place waiting for Anya to show up and that's where everything started.

\- Who is Clarke?– Taylor asked - She's been blowing up Lexa's phone.

Taylor was the only one in group who didn't know Lexa when Clarke was hers. Lexa met her while she lived in Europe. It was by accident like almost everything else in Lexa's life. Lexa was behind her in a line for some museum, Taylor heard her talk on the phone, turned around and started the conversation. They walked around together, they talked about the art around them and what they were doing in Italy (Lexa said she needed a change of scenery, it wasn't a lie but she wasn't ready for the whole truth). They had dinner and then lunch the next day. Taylor was smart and funny and it was the first day in a long number of days that Lexa felt normal.

After a couple of weeks Taylor left but they stayed in touch and Lexa was happy she made a friend who didn't know, didn't ask and could never mention Clarke. So when she called and said she'd be in New York for a couple of days Lexa was both over the moon happy and scared. It's not like Lexa lied, she just never talked about it. If she had said anything, it would have turned Taylor into question asking person and Lexa didn't want that.

When Taylor asked that question, Lexa knew she's screwed.

\- You don't know who Clarke is? – Diane asked her back.

\- Should I? – Taylor was confused. – Is she your secret girlfriend? – She said looking at Lexa.

\- Not really. – Lexa answered.

\- Oh good God, I can't believe you didn't tell her who Clarke is.

\- Clarke's my ex girlfriend.

\- What? I'm confused. – Taylor looked between Diane and Lexa not knowing what to think.

\- We were together and then we weren't, it's no big deal. – Lexa said.

\- No big deal? They were oh so very in love and then Lexa fucked it all up.

\- Diane, please.

\- Wait, when did all this happen?

\- Before she ran away.

\- I think you need to stop talking about stuff that's none of your business. – Lexa yelled.

\- Why did you not tell me any of this?  We talked about literally everything. – Taylor asked Lexa.

\- Because she's a coward.

\- Leave. – Lexa was angry.

\- What?

\- Leave now. I don't want to listen to you anymore.

\- Fine. It's not like I don't have better places to be.

Diane left and slammed the door behind her.

\- Can you please tell me what's going on?

Lexa sighed. Will she ever have one good lasting thing in her life?

\- Clarke and I were in a relationship for almost three years and then we broke up and I went to Italy.

\- Okay. That's such a stupid thing to lie about.

\- I didn't lie.

\- Yeah, you just didn't say the truth.

\- You never asked me about it.

\- About an ex girlfriend I didn't know existed? I asked in general and you said there was no one important.

\- I'm sorry.

\- I just don't understand. I thought we were friends. You don't trust me? Is that why?

\- We are friends and I do trust you. That's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to turn into every other person in my life. I didn't want you to ask me why was I so stupid to do it, why did I fuck it up, why why why. We would have never become friends if I had told you.

\- I would never say any of those things. Do you really think so little of me?

\- I think you are wonderful. It's just how life is. If I had told you, you would have said it. It's just how it is.

\- Lexa, don't do that. I'm sure, whatever happened, it wasn't only your fault.

\- I just left her. – Lexa said tired.

\- Hey, whatever happened, I'm sure you thought it was for the best.

That's when the door opened and Anya came in.

\- Hello ladies, ready for a wild night. Wait, where's Diane?

\- She left. – Lexa said.

\- Why?

\- Because I told her to.

\- I don't know about you two, but I would like to get drunk. – Taylor jumped in and saved Lexa from more questions.

They went out and Lexa got drunk. Really drunk. So drunk that when she woke up, she couldn't remember how she got to the bed last night. Her head was killing her and she felt bad for not telling Taylor about Clarke before. Even though she said it was okay, Lexa could tell Taylor was hurt. The fact that she didn't ask why Lexa left made everything thousand times worse. Lexa's selfishness hurt another person who gave her nothing but love.

Her day started bad and she thought it would continue to be the same. But Clarke has a Lexa sense and Lexa hopes she never loses it.

* * *

 

**_December 10 th 2016_ **

_Sometimes I wonder if there was ever a time when you wished you have never met me. Maybe there are nights when you still do._

_Not so long ago you told me it's not possible to hate me. But I remember the look in your eyes, I could almost feel it radiating off your body._

_I wish you asked me if I would do things the same way if I ever had another chance._

_I imagine what I would say to you if you ever asked me why._

_You never asked._

_You just accepted it._

* * *

 

Few minutes before 6, Clarke knocks on Lexa's door.

\- Wow, smells great in here. – Clarke says walking past Lexa.

\- Hello to you too.

\- Yes hello, hi. What are you cooking?

Lexa laughs and Clarke walks to the kitchen to look inside the pots.

\- Chicken tikka masala. And rice.

\- Sounds fancy. I didn't think you'd go all fancy. Pizza would have been enough.

\- I know, but I figured you probably haven't eaten something normal since your mom's birthday so I decided to feed you some real food.

\- You have something to drink? .- Clarke asks.

\- Water, wine and beer. I'll drink water, had too much of that other stuff last night.

\- Fun night?

\- Drunk night. A friend I met while I was away is in the city for a couple of days so she, Anya and I went out and got stupidly drunk. Or at least I did.

\- Why wasn't I invited? – Clarke asks with a stupid smirk on her face.

\- So you don't scare my friend off. – Lexa teases. – Also because Diane was supposed to be there.

\- Ugh, then I'm glad I wasn't invited.

\- Yeah but I have good news. We can go eat.

\- Fuck yes. – Clarke says and Lexa can't help but laugh. – Give me food and stop laughing at me. – Clarke adds as she sits at the table.

They eat in silence like so many times before.

\- You need to stop looking at me like that. – Clarke says eventually.

\- Like what?

\- Like that, that thing with your mouth, stop that.

\- Then you should maybe stop moaning.

\- Maybe you should have thought about that before you made the food taste so good. Besides, I'm done, so remove that tongue from your lips.

\- Why? You want it someplace else?

\- Yes. – Clarke says propped on her elbows, biting her lower lip. Lexa swallows hard. – Inside your mouth.

\- So funny.

\- I know, always am. – Clarke grins. – C'mon, let's clean this up a bit, the game will start soon.

Next couple of hours Clarke spends yelling at TV and Lexa laughs. She's always loved how passionate Clarke was about everything. She loves and hates with her whole heart.

 After the game, they turn on some movie and sit back in silence. Lexa plays with Clarke's hair and pays more attention to her face than to the movie.

\- What's up? – Clarke asks her.

\- Hmmm?

Clarke turns her head to Lexa and catches her off guard.

\- I can hear the wheels turning. What's bothering you?

\- Just thinking.

Clarke scoots closer and takes Lexa's other hand.

\- I can see that. What's wrong?

\- I hurt Taylor, the friend from last night.

\- What happened? – Clarke sees tears in Lexa's eyes and she starts counting her fingers hoping to calm her.

That's what Clarke used to do.

When Lexa got upset, Clarke would count the fingers on her hands over and over again, kissing her fingertips every time she'd count to five.

Sometimes Lexa would smile and sometimes she would cry, but every time she would feel better.

\- I can't talk to you about it.

\- Why not?

\- Because it's about you. – Lexa can't fight the tears anymore.

\- Hey hey, it's okay. – Clarke wipes her cheeks and then adds – Can you talk to Anya or someone else?

\- They wouldn't understand.

\- Then talk to me. – Clarke whispers softly.

\- It's so stupid, I am stupid, I don't know why I'm crying.

\- You are not stupid and there's nothing wrong with crying.

\- I met her in Italy and I never told her about you. I never said anything because I thought she'll be like everyone else and think I'm a piece of shit, that she'll ask why and how stupid can I be, so I never told her anything because I needed something and someone who will have nothing to do with you, who will know nothing about you. I was selfish and I assumed the worst about her and I hurt her like I hurt everyone else.

Clarke says nothing. Lexa is mortified and Clarke can see it in her eyes.

\- It's okay, don't go into panic mode. It's okay.

\- I'm so sorry, so so sorry for saying all that.

Clarke cups her cheek and Lexa closes her eyes and gives in to the touch.

\- First, have you explained to her why you did all that?

\- Yeah, she said it was alright but I could see she was sad and disappointed.

\- That's normal, you would also be but that doesn't mean that she doesn't understand and that everything isn't alright, right?

\- I guess so.

\- Second, tell me who told you you are a piece of shit so I can kill them.

\- They are not wrong.

\- No, stop. Look at me. – Clarke pushes up Lexa's chin so she can look her in the eyes. – You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are the sweetest, kindest, most caring person ever. And whoever made you feel like you are something other than that, doesn't deserve to have you in their life.

\- I don't deserve you.

\- Oh Lexa. – Clarke pulls Lexa into her arms and holds her tightly. – You deserve the world.

Lexa falls asleep in Clarke's arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if Lexa said anything after her name, Clarke didn't hear it. She couldn't. Her heart was beating so fast she thought she'd pass out. She put a finger on her wrist just to make sure she was still alive.
> 
> Maybe it was a dream. A nightmare. She fell asleep without Lexa and now she's having an ugly nightmare. Yes, Clarke was sure it was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People are bad code and I had to write this.
> 
> But @oscillatewildely is not so bad so big thanks to her.

The saddest day of Clarke's life was the day she let Lexa go.

It was a rainy day in March. Saturday. Clarke woke up with a headache. She turned around and looked to where Lexa usually was but she only found a cold sheet.

Lexa wasn't there when Clarke went to sleep either. She came home later that night, much later, early morning to be precise. Clarke heard her because Clarke couldn't sleep. Ever since she started to sleep next to Lexa she had trouble sleeping without her. It was third time that week she had to go to bed alone.

Clarke got up, she put on sweatpants and her favorite hoodie before walking to the kitchen. She needed something warm to drink and with her head still hurting she chose coffee. She made herself a cup and looked around the apartment as she drank it.

She moved in while still in college. She had to work two jobs so she could make enough money to pay the rent. She didn't mind it. She wanted to live alone. She was desperate to make it on her own.

But then three years ago she met Lexa and she became everything Clarke ever wanted. Lexa lived with Anya so it was more convenient for them to spend their time at Clarke's place.  At the beginning that was only a night or two. Then nights became days, days weeks and soon Lexa slept only in Clarke's bed.

Anya was the one who pointed how ridiculous it was for Lexa to refer to the place she spent her days and nights as Clarke's and not theirs.

One day Lexa called it home and it stayed that way ever since.

As Clarke looked around she could still see bits and pieces of her apartment.

Two paintings she did in college hanging on the wall in the living room. Green couch she bought when she first moved in. Blue ceiling she spent an entire week painting. Pictures from her childhood.

She could also see bits and pieces of Lexa's apartment.

An entire wall covered in books. Old record player Lexa got from her father. That leather chair next to the couch Lexa loved so much that she didn't let anyone sit on it. Except Clarke.

But most of all, Clarke saw their apartment.

Pictures. Hundreds of pictures. Lexa was obsessed with pictures. Taking them. Framing them. Everything. There were pictures of them everywhere in the apartment.

Small things they collected over the time. Like the neon pink blanket Clarke bought just because Lexa said she couldn't.

- Clarke, you can't bring that back home. It's disgusting.

Clarke bought it and found Lexa sleeping under it the next day.

\- It's so fluffy. _-_ Lexa mumbled.

Sticky notes Lexa left around the apartment for Clarke and Clarke never took them down.

There was one on the fridge reminding Clarke to eat something other than junk food –  _Eat something healthy._

Then there was one on the book Lexa wanted her to read –  _Clarke trust me, you'll enjoy it._

There was also one taped to the mirror. Lexa wrote –  _You are prettyyyy_. It was during a time they spent an entire week almost never seeing each other. Clarke worked during the night and Lexa during the day. It was the longest 5 days in Clarke's life. The next day Clarke wrote on the same note –  _You are prettierrrr!!!!_

-Clarke, it's not a competition – Lexa told her the next day.

\- I know, because you'd win and I hate to lose.

After a while the note started to fall down more often than not so Clarke put a tape over it and made sure it stayed there forever.

Lexa often tried to throw them away once they started to fall off. They were all over the place and it looked ridiculous. She saw no point of putting them back when they would fall the next day. One day she asked Clarke why would she go through so much trouble, it was easier to get rid of them once they fulfilled their purpose. Clarke kissed her and said how each note had a piece of Lexa in it. She would never let anyone throw away something like that, not even Lexa.

There was also a box under the TV full of old movie tickets. Lexa loved the big screen, loud music and popcorn. And Clarke loved Lexa so she took her to the movies whenever she could.

Clarke smiled.

She didn't smile much these last few days. Lexa was distant and cold but it wasn't the first time.

Lexa was fire and on the most days her flame burned high. She stood tall and commanding, she was confident and strong. She was soft and she smiled a lot.

But then there were days when the flame was barely visible and Lexa would build the walls around her so tall Clarke couldn't see anything. So she learned how to make holes and Lexa let her.

There were days when Clarke would hold her until she was ready to open the door again. 

And there were days when Lexa wouldn't let Clarke touch her.

Yesterday was one of those days.

Lexa was crying in the bathroom.

\- Lexa are you okay? – Clarke called behind the closed door.

Clarke heard sniffling and paper ripping but Lexa didn't answer.

\- Lexa?

\- I'm fine.

Clarke saw Lexa was opening door and she stepped away. A moment later Lexa rushed by her saying nothing.  She sat on the couch and turned on TV.

\- What's wrong? – Clarke tried again.

\- Nothing.

\- Are you sure?

\- Yes Clarke, everything would be fine if you could just stop talking. Even if it's for one minute. Do you think you can do that?

Lexa's eyes were filled with anger. Clarke had never seen her like that before.

\- Okay.

\- Stop staring. – Lexa said a moment after.

\- Do you want me to leave? – Clarke asked and Lexa stood up.

\- No. I will.

She took her jacket and left.

When Clarke went to bed she was still gone.

First time something like that happened Clarke got really worried. Lexa never stayed out at night without saying something. She would call, or text, but Clarke always knew. That time hours passed and she didn't know where Lexa was. She called Anya and every other person she thought could know where Lexa was but no one said anything.  

Lexa came back at 3 in the morning and found Clarke on the couch. She couldn't sleep so she just sat there, going through every bad thing that could have happened.

Clarke cried and Lexa tried to explain but she didn't know how. She had all the words in this world but couldn't find the right ones to explain why.

She decided to show her instead so she took her to her mother's grave at 4 in the morning.

Clarke didn't ask why, she just held Lexa in her arms when they got back home until she fell asleep.

Even now, when Clarke knew where Lexa was, she still couldn't sleep until her girlfriend came back home.

Last night that was 4 am. She pretended to be asleep and Lexa crawled in bed behind her. She hugged her and pulled her closer.

\- I'm sorry. - Lexa whispered and Clarke could hear her cry.

Clarke finished drinking coffee, her head still hurting. Before she could pour another cup, she heard someone open the door and saw Lexa walk in. She turned her head to her and Clarke tried to smile but Lexa looked away and stormed to the bedroom.

Clarke sighed and turned around to make another cup of coffee.

A minute later she heard Lexa come back and before she could turn around Lexa spoke.

\- I can't do this anymore.

There was a loud and sudden thumping in Clarke's head. She couldn't hear anything other than her heart beating in her ears.

She couldn't say anything even if she wanted. She just stood there thinking if she stayed quiet long enough Lexa would forget she said anything.

\- Clarke...

Even if Lexa said anything after her name, Clarke didn't hear it. She couldn't. Her heart was beating so fast she thought she'd pass out. She put a finger on her wrist just to make sure she was still alive.

Maybe it was a dream. A nightmare. She fell asleep without Lexa and now she's having an ugly nightmare. Yes, Clarke was sure it was just a dream.

\- Clarke did you hear me?

There it was again. Her heart almost jumped out.

She turned around and saw Lexa. Her back straight and face cold.

\- What? – Clarke managed to say.

She was surprised by the sound of her voice. Small and broken.

\- I can't do this anymore.

\- Don't. Just don't. You don't have to do this.

It was begging more than anything else.

Clarke found her courage and started walking. Lexa stood still, looking Clarke in the eyes.

\- Yes, I have to. – she said when Clarke was in front of her.

\- No you don't. Whatever it is we can work on it. Just, just don't. Please.

Clarke was crying. She wasn't aware of it, she didn't know when it started. She wasn't aware of anything. She wanted to wake up. She wanted to hug her Lexa, to kiss her. She didn't want to be here.

Lexa turned her eyes from Clarke's.

Clarke knew what Lexa was doing.

\- I can't Clarke.

\- Why?

\- I can't.

\- Look me in the eyes and tell me why?

When Lexa looked back up again, Clarke was met with the saddest pair of green eyes she had ever seen.

Clarke couldn't stop crying.

\- I don't want to be with you anymore.

Clarke felt like dying.

\- I don't believe you.

\- Clarke...

\- No. I don't believe you. I love you Lexa and you love me. Whatever this is, we will fix it, it will be okay. Just tell me what happened.

\- Nothing happened. I don't want this anymore.

\- Stop saying that. – Clarke yelled and Lexa flinched. – Stop saying things you don't mean. Just stop.

\- There's nothing to fix. There's nothing to be okay. There's nothing to believe. I don't want to do this anymore.

\- You don't want me?

Clarke watched Lexa struggle to say the words out loud and she hoped. She hoped she wouldn't hear them. She hoped Lexa would say she wanted her. She hoped.

\- I don't.

Clarke could tasted the blood in her mouth.

\- You are lying . – she said shaking her head.

\- No.

Clarke was desperate and she did the only thing she was sure Lexa could never do.

Clarke took Lexa's hand and placed it over her heart.

\- Clarke what are you doing? – Lexa looked at her in panic.

\- I want you to feel my heart break when you tell me you don't love. Then I'll believe you.

\- Clarke. – Lexa tried to pull her hand but Clarke held it tight.

\- No. Do you love me Lexa?

Clarke tried to be brave. She was trying not to cry. She was looking Lexa in the eyes. She was brave.

Her heart wasn't brave. Her heart was weak. Her heart was hopeful. Her heart knew Lexa. Her heart loved Lexa.

\- I don't.

For a second, Clarke's heart had stopped beating.

Two words. That was what broke Clarke.

She let go of Lexa's hand and stepped away.

She had no more tears to cry.

She felt nothing.

Just emptiness.

\- Clarke...

\- No. I don't want to hear you say my name ever again. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to hear about you. I don't exist for you anymore.

Clarke couldn't look at her anymore.

\- Leave.

And just like that Lexa was gone.

She knew it was bound to happen.

She hoped it would never happen.

But it did and Lexa left.

Lexa left her in tears. In anger. Clarke was so angry. Mostly at herself. She just watched her world fall apart. And did nothing.

Her world.

There is no such thing anymore.

Lexa said she couldn't do it anymore and Clarke pushed. She pushed her and pushed until she said the only thing that could do the job.

It didn't even matter if she meant it or not. She said it.

Clarke tried. She tried to show Lexa she was what Clarke wanted. Needed. She knew how much Lexa struggled thinking she wasn't enough.

Clarke never understood how someone as wonderful as Lexa could think of themselves as a lesser.

There were nights when Lexa would hold Clarke so close that their bodies felt like one.

There were nights when Lexa would shake after every touch because she feared it would be the last.

Clarke hated herself for not trying hard enough because Lexa left and she let her. She made her.

And now she sat alone, on the cold floor of the apartment that once again became only hers.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wonders if Clarke is one step closer to forgiving, or at least wanting to. Lexa now knows there's no point in saying sorry. Clarke doesn't want that. Maybe she doesn't even want to understand. Maybe Lexa can't even explain it. Like Clarke said, it was the worst excuse ever. Sometimes there are no better excuses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting there. I think this will have a happy end. Or something like that.
> 
> Thanks @oscillatewildely, you are awesome.

It's been a couple of days since that night when Lexa cried herself to sleep in Clarke's arms. The next morning she woke with her head under Clarke's chin.Clarke scratched the back of Lexa's neck with her fingers.

\- Morning. – she mumbled against Clarke's throat.

\- Morning sleepyhead.

Clarke's fingers were still on her neck and Lexa put her hand around Clarke's back and hugged her.

\- You are so warm.

\- So are you. – Clarke laughed. – But we have to get up. I kinda have to work.

That made Lexa sit up.

\- I forgot. I'm sorry for keeping you here this long. You didn't have to stay. But thank you.

\- I wanted and I needed a good night's sleep. I should be thanking you.

\- I don't think so. Do you want coffee? – Lexa asked as they both stood up.

\- No, thank you. You go to bed, I'll get some on my way home.

\- No, I'll make you. That's the least I can do.

\- Lexa, you are half asleep, go to bed, you can buy me coffee some other day.

Lexa yawned and just nodded.

\- I'll text you later, okay? – Clarke said.

\- Mhmm when you get home.

\- When I get home.

After Clarke left, Lexa just fell on the couch.  It smelled like Clarke.

When she woke up again after a few hours, there was already a couple of texts from Clarke. They sent texts back and forth throughout the day. They didn't talk about what happened the night before, about what Lexa said.

Later that night Lexa offered to buy Clarke that coffee some time that week. They agreed to meet near the park, there's a coffee shop around the corner with Clarke's favorite coffee. Lexa picked the place and Clarke picked the day.

* * *

When Lexa arrives she's a bit late. She looks around to see if Clarke is already there but she can't see her. It's snowing so there are not a lot of people on the street. It was Clarke's idea to meet outside instead at the shop.

\- This was not a great idea.

Lexa turns around and sees Clarke standing in front of her with black scarf, hands in her coat, bouncing from one leg to the other.

\- It was your idea. – Lexa laughs.

\- I know. Let's go inside before I die.

\- It's not that cold.

\- It's even colder.

\- I like it. – Lexa says as they walk to the coffee shop.

\- That's because you are crazy.

\- Says the one who hates summer more than anything in this world.

\- I hate everything. – Clarke mutters and Lexa can't help but laugh which leads to Clarke elbowing her.

\- Ouch.

\- That's what you get for laughing at me.

\- You are cute when you are cold.

\- I am not.

\- Just a bit. – Lexa says as they walk into the coffee shop.

They order their coffee and look around for the place to sit. There's almost no one inside. It's more quiet and more dark than Lexa remembers it. She used to spend a lot of her free time here, reading, writing or just waiting for Clarke.

\- It's different. – Lexa says once they sit at the table in the far corner of the room.

\- Yeah, they changed the owner some time last year. The coffee is still great.

\- Hmm, I like it more now. It's less...

\- Colorful?

\- No, smartass, less shiny.

\- Or less colorful.

\- I like color, I don't like shiny.

\- Really? Which color do you like? Except black of course.

\- I like blue.

\- Like the sky? – Clarke asks teasingly.

\- Like your eyes. – Lexa smiles.

Clarke's cheeks turn a shade pinker and she picks her cup hoping to hide it.

\- You mentioned you finished those paintings?

\- I did. I still have to drop them off at the gallery. I thought I'd do it yesterday but there was no way I was going out with all that snow.

\- Are you happy with how they look?

\- More or less, I can't do better so I guess I am. Raven says they look great and Richard, the guy from the gallery, said he likes them.

\- And why haven't I seen them yet?

\- Well you haven't asked.

\- I'm asking now.

\- I'm afraid you'll have to walk to the gallery.

\- You can take a picture.

\- Pictures don't do them justice. You have to see them around all the other paintings and admire how much better they are.

\- You are right. Besides, that way I can buy them.

\- Always so obsessed. But don't, you'll go broke. I'll paint something for you.

\- And what will that be? 

\- Whatever you want.

\- Hmmm you gave me something to think about.

They fall into a comfortable silence, drinking their coffees and smiling at each other. Lexa can't remember the last time she smiled this much. Clarke has always had that effect on her.

She always made her smile.

She made her happy.

Lexa isn't surprised that Clarke can still do all those things with just being around.

She notices Clarke has her scarf still on.

\- Are you cold? – Lexa asks.

\- No, the opposite. Why?

\- Scarf.

\- Oh, I forgot.

Lexa quietly watches as Clarke takes off the scarf and reveals the black low cut sweater she's wearing. Lexa can't help but stare.

\- Like what you see?

Lexa blushes.

\- Yes. – she tries to sound confident, the smile on Clarke's face tells her she isn't succeeding.

\- You were always a fan.

\- Always will be.

\- Mhmm. So any good books you read recently?

\- Yes? – Lexa says confused.

\- Is that a question or an answer?

\- I have read some good books, yes. I just don't understand why are you asking that.

\- Just something to take your mind off my boobs. – Clarke says smirking.

\- I see. – Lexa laughs. – I'm quite capable of not thinking about your boobs on my own.

\- Are you really? – Clarke says as she leans on the table.

Lexa's eyes go down from Clarke's eyes to her mouth, over her neck to her cleavage. She can't help it.

\- Doesn't look like it. – Clarke whispers.

\- It's your fault.

Lexa now looks at Clarke's eyes. She needs to stop looking anywhere else.

\- How?

\- You look very nice, it's hard not to look.

\- You also look very nice and you don't see me staring.

\- Then I don't look nice enough.

\- I disagree.

\- Then I'll try my best not to stare.

\- Please don't.

\- Maybe I should really talk about books.

\- Please don't.

They both laugh. Lexa missed this. She missed Clarke. She missed  talking about nothing. She missed losing time with Clarke.

\- I'm kidding, I actually want to hear about it. – Clarke says.

\- I haven't really read something new. I've been re-reading everything Jane Austen wrote.

\- I'll never understand why you like her.

\- Clarke, Jane Austen is the most awesome person ever and she wrote about the most awesome women ever. I'll never understand why you don't like her.

\- Yes, yes, I remember, but it's still romance. Straight romance. You despise that.

\- They are great stories.

\- Notebook is also a great story.

\- Clarke...

\- It's also romance, he builds her a house, they kiss a lot, it has everything you like. Or Titanic.

\- That's a movie, not a book.

\- Still a great story.

\- It's really not.

\- You cried.

\- No.

\- Twice.

\- Okay, I like cheesy trashy romance, that's why you l-..., that's not the point. The point is Jane Austen is amazing and everyone should read her.

Lexa almost slipped up. It feels too normal not to slip up. She carefully watches Clarke's expression. She seems unfazed.

\- The point is that miss 'I don't like shiny colors'  loves girl meets boy stories.

Clarke completely ignores Lexa's almost slip up and Lexa follows.

\- Ugh, I don't really. I like the idea of the forever love, even if it's done in that way.

\- Do you believe in it? – Clarke's expression turns to serious.

\- In what?

\- Soulmates.

\- I don't know.

\- C'mon, I'm sure you thought long and hard about this. Humor me.

\- Yes. I believe there are people in this world with whom you can feel more complete.

\- People?

\- Yes, I think there is more than one type of a soulmate, romantic being just one.

\- So you think there's a person made only for you?

\- No, no one is made for someone. We are made for ourselves.  We are our own people and we live our own lives. We are made to be completely capable of living alone, living with someone, living however we want and to be happy that way. I just think there's someone who can make it better. It's like pizza. You can eat pizza with cheese your entire life and think it's the best thing you ever had and will have and you'll be happy, but then maybe one day someone comes and puts tuna on your pizza and you realize it's so much better than just cheese.

\- Doesn't that mean that you would always live your life thinking if you met your person or if your person is out there somewhere? You wouldn't be living your life fully, you'd be just thinking what if.

\- I don't think so no.

\- But there are people like that, you know? People who spend their lives waiting for something better to come and in the process they lose everything. Maybe even the person they've been waiting that whole time.

Lexa feels as those words are for her, about her and it pains her to even imagine that Clarke thinks Lexa is waiting for someone better.

\- Do you believe? – Lexa asks.

\- Ah, I did once, now I don't know.

\- Do you think you met your person? – Clarke adds after a while.

It's a trick question and Lexa knows it. She doesn't know why would Clarke ask her something like that and if she wants Lexa to be honest.

But Lexa can't lie. She did it once and she can't do it again.

\- Yes.

Clarke just watches her, nothing on her face showing what she thinks, how she feels. Clarke got really good at hiding. It hurts Lexa because she knows she's the reason.

\- What happened? – Clarke asks and Lexa blinks. She just blinks and blinks and blinks thinking Clarke would disappear if she blinks enough times.

But Clarke is there. Clarke is asking her the one question she never expected to be asked.

Lexa can laugh it off, she can turn it into joke and she knows Clarke wouldn't say anything. But this is Clarke trying and Lexa has to try back.

\- My brain convinced me some bad things were true or would become true so I did a very stupid thing and ran away.

Clarke sips her coffee and Lexa wants to turn into thin air.

\- So you became a poster child for love is not enough mantra?

Clarke is calm, she doesn't give away anything.

\- No, I became a poster child for not talking shit through will cost you everything.

\- I don't get it.

\- I was never good at talking about stuff, you know it better than anyone. Then I got better and then really really bad again. I should have talked to someone about it and things would have been different. I'm working on it now. It's the worst excuse ever but that's what happened.

\- You're right. It really is the worst excuse ever.

\- I know.

\- So what happened to your soulmate?

\- She's better off.

Clarke chuckles and lets out a long breath. 

\- You really think that?

Lexa debates whether to be completely honest or if Clarke has had enough honesty for one day. She opts for the truth. She came this far, she won't back down now.

\- No. I used to but no, not anymore.

\- Would you do it again if you had a chance to do it again? Run away I mean.

And there it is. Clarke asks her the question she imagined answering so many times before. Okay, she's not exactly asking her directly but she's asking her. They both know what Clarke means and what Clarke wants to know.

Lexa doesn't know what to say. She imagined this so many times and she had an answer ready every time.

She would never do it again. She would never again hurt Clarke like that. She would never leave.

But as much as it hurt, Lexa needed it. Lexa needed something to make her do something to never let it happen again. Leaving Clarke made Lexa realize she couldn't live like that anymore. Losing Clarke taught her she needs to find a way to change. Not for Clarke but for herself. She needed it. She wouldn't have been here if she never did it. Otherwise she would never feel good enough to sit in front of Clarke and laugh. She needed it.

It would be selfish to tell Clarke that, she knows it. It would just mean hurting her again. But she can't lie.

\- I can hear you thinking, Lexa. Just answer, whatever it is. – Clarke says softly and Lexa knows she has to be honest.

\- I wouldn't do it like that if I had a chance to do it again. I would still leave... or no, not leave, I would still need some time, to work through some things. I would still need to be alone, I would have just done it differently.

Clarke remains silent, she just lowers her gaze to Lexa's cup and Lexa wonders if she did the right thing.

\- I would have also done things differently with my person. – Clarke says after a couple of minutes. – I would have yelled more and cried less. Maybe my yelling would have changed her mind. She was always scared of me.

Lexa now knows the serious talk is over and Clarke is back to joking so she laughs.

\- I don't think anyone was or is ever scared of you.

\- This girl was, trust me.

\- Whatever you say.

The fall back into the conversation about simple things, weather, movies and when Clarke starts talking about some food she really wants to try Lexa looks at her phone and realizes it's really late.

\- Wow, it's already 7.

\- Time flies. – Clarke hums.

Lexa doesn't want this day to end so she offers the one thing Clarke never resisted.

\- There's that Italian place nearby, you up for some food? It's on me.

Clarke hesitates but then agrees.

\- Okay. You can tell me how bad it is compared to the real deal.

The walk to the restaurant is short. It's snowing and it's colder than before. They don't talk. Instead Lexa thinks about the conversation they had just moments before. She wonders if Clarke is one step closer to forgiving, or at least wanting to. Lexa now knows there's no point in saying sorry. Clarke doesn't want that. Maybe she doesn't even want to understand. Maybe Lexa can't even explain it. Like Clarke said, it was the worst excuse ever. Sometimes there are no better excuses.

After they arrive to the restaurant, Lexa opens the door for Clarke and follows her. They find a table for two and sit.

Clarke hasn't said a word since they left the coffee shop. They look over the menu and order their food and drinks.

\- Now I can hear you thinking. – Lexa finds the courage to say something.

\- I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about what you said earlier.

Lexa knows better than to ask why. Silence falls again between them and this time Clarke's the one to break it.

\- I just realized I never asked you about your time in Italy. I only know the stuff you told when my mom asked.

\- There's nothing really else to tell.

\- You've been there for 2 years and there's nothing to tell other than how great their food is and all the museums?

\- I don't know, not really. It's like living here. Or anywhere else.

\- You were there the whole time?

\- I went on a couple of trips but for the most part I was only in Italy yes.

\- Where did you go?

\- Germany and France. Week in Berlin and  a month in France.

\- Nice. Big cities in or?

\- No, not really. I rented a car and just drove around, slept in hotels and walked around.

\- Always so adventurous. – Clarke says smiling.

The food arrives and they eat in silence. Lexa finishes first and tries not to stare. She fails. Clarke is too beautiful and Lexa is too weak. Clarke looks at her between bites and she smiles.

\- What? – Lexa asks.

\- You look like a puppy.

\- Do you want some dessert? – the waiter interrupts.

\- No, thank you. – Lexa says. – Do you want some? – she asks looking at Clarke.

\- No, I'm good, thank you.

\- Can you bring the check, please? – Lexa says before the waiter leaves.

Clarke again doesn't speak but this time she's smiling and Lexa knows there's no more dark thoughts in her head.

At least not right now.

Lexa pays and the two of them find themselves outside.

It's snowing.

\- I'll walk you home. – Lexa says.

\- You don't have to, it's snowing, go home.

\- I want to.

It's a short walk to Clarke's apartment and Lexa wants to spend as much time as she can with Clarke.

Clarke looks at her and then just starts to walk.

\- Let's go then.

Lexa has always loved to walk with Clarke. Especially when it was cold. They never even had to talk, just hold hands and be together. Clarke wasn't a fan. But she did it for Lexa.

\- Do you remember the last time we walked in snow? – Clarke asks.

Lexa remembers it. She fell. Multiple times. That's why she remembers it.

\- My ass still has nightmares. And that was ice sent from hell, not snow.

Clarke bursts out laughing.

\- I also remember you laughing just like that. – Lexa continues.

\- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help it. It was so funny. You tried so hard and you failed every time.

\- Yeah, best time of my life. Ever. Never had more fun.

Clarke is still laughing and Lexa is willing to do anything to hear her laugh forever.

\- There, there, you survived.

\- I did, but no thanks to you.

\- C'mon I did help you.

\- Only after I fell 3 times.

\- If you'd had stopped falling, I would have stopped laughing and then I would have helped you sooner.

\- So I was supposed to just lie on the ground?

\- Maybe.

They both laugh and Lexa wants to hold Clarke's hand. Feel her.

\- Raven made fun of me earlier today. – Clarke says quietly.

\- Why?

\- She kept teasing me that this was a date.

Lexa smiles, she wants to say it can be if Clarke wants it.

\- I can only imagine. – she says instead.

\- Was she right?

Lexa doesn't have to look at Clarke to know that she's smiling.

\- Don't be Raven.

\- Can't blame a girl for trying. Here we are. – Clarke says and turns to face Lexa.

They are in front of Clarke's apartment.

\- Here we are. – is all Lexa can say.

\- I'd invite you in but since this isn't a date, I won't.

Lexa just shakes her head.

\- Thank you for the coffee and dinner. – Clarke says as she leans and kisses Lexa's cheek. Her whole body warms up. – Next time it's on me. – Clarke adds.

\- Thank you for being great company.

Clarke is already almost inside the building when she turns around.

\- And don't forget to text me when you come home, please.

\- I won't.

Lexa walks home feeling happy. Maybe even hopeful.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've never wanted someone like I want you. No one ever looked at me like you look at me. No one knew my fears like you do. I have never loved someone like I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this happened. Sorry it's kinda late, life got in the way.   
> I'm pretty sure the next chapter will also be the last.
> 
> As always, thanks to @oscillatewildely.

Lexa wakes up way too early.

She was supposed to sleep in and have a lazy day but she's up before 7. Or not really up just awake. She spent almost entire hour on tossing and turning in her bed, hoping to fall asleep again. It's been a busy couple of days full with meetings and a lot of yelling. The publishing house is mad, her editor is mad, everyone is mad. Her deadline was months ago and she still has almost nothing.

This was the first day this week when she was free from all that. First day she could relax and she can't sleep.

After an hour or so she decides to get up and start her day, there's no point in staying in bed when she can't sleep.

She makes herself coffee and opens her laptop. She might as well try and write something, maybe then she won't have to do a repeat of this week. 

She opens her e-mail to see if there is more yelling from her editor but surprisingly there is not even one of such kind.

There is however one from her father. Lexa frowns when she sees it. They haven't talked in almost a year and even then it was Lexa who reached out. Ever since her mother died the two of them haven't been on good terms. They weren't even before that but they tried and pretended. They both loved her mother, it was the only thing they had in common.

So Lexa was more than surprised when she saw that e-mail.

_From: Father_

_Subject: Christmas_

_Lexa,_

_it would be appreciated if you were to come home for Christmas. It's about time you meet Victoria and the kids._

Home. That house was never her home. It was a temporary solution to a permanent problem. She lived there and dreamed of home. Then she met Clarke and she didn't have to dream anymore.

Victoria was his new wife and the kids were Victoria's. It didn't take long for him to remarry. Lexa didn't blame him, he never learned how to be alone and Victoria is a nice person from what Anya and others told her. But Lexa never met her and she is not planning to do so anytime soon, especially not in her mother's house.

It's a couple of days before Christmas and she's pretty sure her father is not really expecting her to come. This probably wasn't even his idea.

_To: Father_

_Subject: Re:Christmas_

_I already made plans._

She doesn't really have any plans. She'll probably have lunch with Anya and then spend the rest of the day on her couch watching TV. But he doesn't care. He did what he was asked and Lexa gave him the answer she's sure he was hoping for.

Lexa closes the laptop and picks up a random book. She's not in the mood for her own words.

After a few hours she picks up her phone to see if Anya texted her about the lunch they are having later.

Instead, she finds a text from Clarke.

**Clarke**

**07:58**

what are you doing for christmas?

**11:23**

Probably lunch with Anya. Why?

**Clarke**

**11:25**

do you want to do that at my place?

raven, octavia and lincoln will be there

you can bring anya

**11:26**

Are you sure about that?

**Clarke**

**11:28**

why wouldn't i be?

**11:30**

I'll ask Anya.

**Clarke**

**11:31**

expecting you

 

Lexa freaks out. This isn't how she planned this day to go. At all.

She could say no. She could. But they are friends and she has no reason to say no. It has the potential to be the best thing to happen this year and to be a complete disaster. It will be a disaster.

**11:45**

Where are you?

**Anya**

**11:47**

5 minutes away.

When Anya opens the door she finds Lexa pacing up and down.

\- What is going on? – Anya asks.

\- Clarke invited us to Christmas lunch.

\- Okay? And that is bad?

\- That is terrible. What am I supposed to do? I can't go there.

\- Calm down and sit. Why can't you go? Who will be there? Just Clarke?

Lexa sits on the couch and buries her head in her hands.

\- Raven and Octavia and Lincoln. And you and me.

\- Okay, so just her friends. We are also her friends, aren't we?

\- Anya please.

\- We are her friends. You should really stop freaking out every time she invites you to do something friends do. Because you are her friend. You spent one whole month convincing me of that and how everything is normal. Well this is normal. Spending Christmas with friends. Suck it up and be a friend or stop pretending to be a friend.

\- I know.

Anya sits next to her, wraps her arm around Lexa's back and hugs her.

\- I can only imagine how hard it is but this was your choice.

\- I know.

\- It will be okay. I'll be your bodyguard. It will be fun.

\- Thank you.

\- Oh fuck, do I have to buy present for all of them?

Lexa laughs.

\- I don't know. Probably not. Or something small. We never did that thing. Just tiny stuff.

\- It better be like that.

* * *

 

They end up buying those presents together. Raven gets space shirts, Octavia and Lincoln couple of bottles of alcohol and Clarke gets a lot of art supplies. A lot.

Lexa gets a pen from Raven.

\- For writing you know. – she said.

And a set of notebooks from Octavia and Lincoln.

\- Also for writing. – they said.

Clarke apparently didn't get anything for anyone.

Dinner goes smoothly. The conversation flowed nicely, they were all friendly, even Octavia. Clarke was probably the one to blame for that. Or maybe Anya.

All in all it was a day spent laughing and with friends.

\- We should do this again for New Years Eve. – Raven said sometime during the day.

\- Yeah, do you two have any plans? – Lincoln asked Lexa and Anya.

\- No, not really. – Lexa answered for both of them.

\- There will be a party at our place. You two should come. -  Lincoln said.

Octavia shifted uncomfortably but didn't  say anything.

Lexa looked over to where Clarke was sitting.

\- Are you asking me for permission? – Clarke asked her.

Lexa blushed.

\- No. We can do that, right Anya?

\- Sure. – Anya smiled.

\- Then it's settled. – Lincoln nodded.

Soon after Raven left. She had a work party she had to be at. Octavia and Lincoln were next.

\- Do you want me to go? – Anya whispered when Clarke went to bathroom.

\- You don't have to.

\- But it would be nice hm? – Anya smirked. – I also have to go. – she said when Clarke returned.

\- You too? Party breakers.

\- You still have party animal Lexa.

\- We will party so hard. – Clarke said laughing. – Thank you for being here. – she said to Anya.

\- Thanks for inviting me. I had fun.

\- I'm glad. See you soon.

They hugged and Anya left.

And now Clarke and Lexa are alone. They are in kitchen, Clarke is washing dishes and Lexa is standing behind her. She offered to help but Clarke refused.

\- I could have helped you, you know. – Lexa says.

\- You just relax.

Lexa has already drank a bottle of wine. She blamed her nerves. So when her eyes start scanning Clarke's body she blames the wine.

But Clarke looks damn fine from this angle. Her hair is up in a messy bun, she has a black skirt going to her knees and white shirt with top two buttons undone. Lexa can't see that but she saw when Clarke unbuttoned them.

Lexa can smell her perfume even from this far away. It's sweet, like flowers. She wants to bury her head in Clarke's neck and just breathe.

\- All done. – Clarke says as she turns around and forces Lexa to look up.

\- You look nice.

\- You think? – Clarke asks looking down her body.

\- Yes. – is all Lexa can say.

\- More wine?

Clarke pick up bottle from the counter and walks to Lexa.

\- Maybe I shouldn't.

Clarke is so close Lexa can almost taste her.

\- Why not?

\- I could do something I'll regret.

Clarke now looks down Lexa's body. Taking her time.

\- Mhmmm. – she murmurs looking back at Lexa's eyes. – I have something for you.

\- What? – Lexa barely recognizes her own voice.

\- A present.  

\- What?

\- A present for you. – Clarke smiles and backs away.

Lexa can breathe again.

\- You didn't have to.

\- You got me enough supplies for next 6 months. – Clarke disappears in her bedroom and yells. – It's nothing special, don't get your hopes up.

Clarke returns with a wrapped box in her hand. She hands it to Lexa.

\- Like I said, nothing spectacular.

\- Can I open it?

\- That's pretty much why I gave it to you.

Lexa smiles and opens the box after tearing up the paper.

It's 3 books. Three volumes of the same book to be precise. Emma by Jane Austen. First edition. Lexa is speechless.

\- I know that's the only one you didn't have. I hope you didn't get. That's useless if you did. I probably should have asked you somehow but I didn't. I hope it's okay. Do you like it?

\- I love it. But Clarke, this is too much.

\- It's not and I'm so happy you like it. After I bought it I started to panic because what if you have it. This would have been really awkward. I'm rambling, sorry.

\- Thank you. So much. You didn't have to do this. Now I feel stupid for not getting you something better.

\- No no, you couldn't have given me anything better. Trust me.

\- I don't know what to say. Thank you.

Clarke smiles and Lexa wants to hug her. She wants to cry and laugh at the same time. She wants to hold her and kiss her. She wants to tell her she loves her.

But she just smiles and smiles and smiles. 

* * *

 

They don't see each other until that New Years party. Anya tried to make Lexa wear a dress. She wears jeans instead.

When they get there the place is already packed. Lincoln shows them where drinks and food are and tells them to have fun.

Lexa looks around looking for Clarke. She finds her in the corner talking to Harper. She is wearing a short black dress and heels. Lexa's throat goes dry.

\- Is your brain already broken? – she hears Anya say.

\- Shut up. Let's go find something to drink.

Raven finds them near the table where the drinks are. Monty comes with her. Lexa hasnt seen him since she left. She has always liked him. He was one of the good guys. And he was funny. They spend some time talking before he excuses himself and leaves.

\- Hello you. – Lexa hears a familiar voice.

She turns around and sees Clarke in her dress with a glass in her hand.

\- Hello Clarke. You look nice.

\- Thank you. So do you.

Lexa smiles.

\- Having fun? – she asks.

\- Yes. Bit crowded but so far so good. You?

\- Not bad.

Someone turns up the music and Clarke moves closer.

\- Do you want to dance? – she asks leaning closer.

Lexa's heart starts racing.

\- Yes.

Clarke smiles and takes her hand leading her to the part of the room where people are dancing.

The songs are all upbeat and after the third one Lexa starts to have trouble following Clarke. Her eyes start to linger on Clarke's body more often than not and she is struggling to keep her hands in check.  So she decides to call it quits after this song finishes. But Clarke beats her to it.

\- Just one more. I promise. – she says and all Lexa can do is smile.

When the next song starts it's nothing like the ones before. It's slow. Dangerously slow.

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and pulls her closer. Lexa has no choice but to put her own arms on Clarke's hips.

Clarke starts to move with the music, swaying her hips to the beat.

Lexa is sure her heart will jump out of her chest.

And then Clarke turns around and presses her back into Lexa's front. She continues to rock her hips and Lexa follows her lead. When she leans her head back Lexa pulls her hard into herself trying to make her stop.

\- Clarke. – Lexa whispers into Clarke's ear.

\- Mmm yes?

Clarke moans and Lexa pulls her again.

\- You have to stop. – Lexa says brushing her nose agains Clarke's neck.

\- We are just dancing.

It's never just dancing. Not with Clarke.

She turns around and pulls Lexa close, so close Lexa feels like they are one body.

\- It's over soon. – Clarke says into Lexa's neck. It sends goosebumps down Lexa's body.

She feels Clarke's mouth ghosting over her neck. Never quite touching but always close enough for Lexa to feel her breath.

 When the music stops it takes them a moment to break apart. Clarke places a kiss below Lexa's ear before pulling away and Lexa shivers.

\- Don't know about you but I need a drink. – Clarke says and starts to walk.

Lexa follows in silence. First she has to steady her breathing. But that's hard when her skin is burning, when the only thing she can smell is Clarke.

\- Vodka? – Clarke asks and Lexa just nods.

Lexa empties her glass as soon as Clarke fills it.

So Clarke fills it again without saying a word.

It's couple of minutes before midnight. Everyone is either dancing or kissing in some corner of the apartment.

Lexa feels Clarke's eyes on her. It's like she's digging a hole in the side of her head.

\- I bet you didn't think you'll start the year drinking with me.

\- Only in my dreams.

Lexa means it as a joke but they both know it's not far from truth. If at all. But Clarke laughs nonetheless. So Lexa laughs with her.

 - Mine too. – Clarke whispers and Lexa pretends she didn't hear it.

Someone starts the countdown and everyone joins.

Ten seconds.

She turns to Clarke and smiles.

Truth is this is better than her dreams. Until recently she never even dreamed to ever again be in this situation with Clarke.

She hears fireworks and sees Clarke lean in.

\- Happy New Year Lexa. – Clarke says before kissing her cheek.

\- Happy New Year.

A very drunk Raven rushes inside from the balcony and Clarke pulls back.

\- I'm here for my kiss. – she yells in Clarke's direction.

Clarke laughs and they hug. Lexa us pulled away by equally drunk Anya.

They don't see each other for the rest of the night. Lexa knows that was Clarke's doing.

* * *

 

A week later Raven has a party and Clarke invited Lexa to come with her. Lexa was never big on partying but there will be friends she hasn't seen in a long time. And Clarke. Clarke will be there and these days the only thing you had to do to make Lexa go somewhere is say that Clarke will be there.

They've been getting along well.

They are friends.

Lexa was never just a friend with Clarke but this has been going well. At least that's what Lexa thought.

They've been spending time together, talking. About friendly stuff. But also not so friendly stuff.

But Lexa was okay with it. She was okay with all of it.

\- You are very early. – Clare says as she opens the door and sees Lexa standing in front of her.

\- It's only 10 minutes.

Clarke's shirt is covered in paint. Stripes of red and green on the white background and Lexa can't help but smile.

\- I've been working and I kinda lost track of time. Sorry. I just have to take a quick shower and we can go.

\- Can I see what you're working on?

\- Yeah it's in the other room. I won't be long.

\- Take all the time you need.

Clarke goes to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. Lexa takes a moment to look around.

Her chair is still there. The wall where her books were is now full of Clarke's drawings.

She walks to the improved studio room thing. There are a couple of easels with sheets covering  them and one uncovered with fresh paint on it.

It's green with dashes of black and blue. It's soothing. It's easy to look at. It's easy to get lost looking at it.

Next to the easel she sees her old mug full of dirty water. Part of her is happy because Clarke keeps a piece of her close when she's doing the thing she loves most. And part of her is sad because she wants to be there.

She looks around and sees dozens of panels hiding behind white sheets. She walks to the biggest one in the corner of the room and peeks underneath.

It's a painting of Clarke's old mirror with her note on it. Lexa wonders what Clarke felt and how she feels when she looks at it, if she can look at it or if it's covered because she's hiding from it.

She  turns around to walk out when, with the corner of her eye, she sees a giant teddy bear sitting on the chair and a painting of a Ferris wheel above it.

Her mind wanders back to the day when she first saw that bear.

 

_It was a hot day in July._ _Friday. They spent much of the week being mad at each other. Lexa wanted to spend that week somewhere on the beach, only Clarke and her. But Clarke's family had other plans._

_Her mother and father came unannounced that_ _Monday._

_Lexa loved them. She really did, but she made plans with Clarke, plans that were now not going to happen._

_She wasn't even mad at Clarke. She knew her girlfriend doesn't really have a choice, she couldn't tell her parents who traveled across the state to see her to get lost because she has plans with her girlfriend who is always there._

_She knew all that but she still took it out on Clarke. She needed that break, they haven't spent much time together that month, Clarke was clogged with work and Lexa just wanted few days where she could have her only for herself._

_So she lashed out and Clarke got mad. It was_ _Thursday night and they were sitting on the couch watching TV, not talking._

_\- Clarke? – Lexa whispered moving closer to her girlfriend._

_Clarke was still focused on TV, she didn't even blink._

_Lexa took Clarke's hand into hers, moving her thumb softly across Clarke's wrist._

_\- Clarke, baby?_

_\- What? – Clarke muttered after some time, still looking at the screen._

_\- I'm sorry. – Lexa said as she placed a kiss above Clarke's brow. – I'm sorry. – she said again kissing softly down Clarke's cheek._

_Lexa leaned her forehead  on the side of Clarke's head. She heard her girlfriend exhale softly._

_\- I know it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry I said it was. I just wanted to spend this week with you and only you. I'm sorry._

_Clarke squeezed her hand and turned her head to Lexa._

_\- I know._

_Clarke put her hand around Lexa's neck and kissed her. It was soft. Light nibbles of Lexa's upper lip, gentle caressing of Clarke's cheek._

_But then soft kisses turned into needy ones and Lexa found herself on Clarke's lap, her hands roaming over Clarke's body and under her shirt. When they broke the kiss to catch a breath, Lexa looked Clarke in the eyes and kissed the corner of her mouth._

_\- You want to go to the Coney Island with me_ _tomorrow? – she asked._

_Clarke smiled against Lexa's lips before saying yes._

_Next morning they woke up late and in each other's arms.They had late breakfast, interrupted with make out sessions and sex._

_Later that day they were still in bed, Lexa on top of Clarke, kissing her neck._

_\- Fuck. If you keep doing that we won't be leaving this bed anytime soon._

_Lexa pushed herself up a bit so she could see Clarke._

_\- I kinda like you like this._

_\- Naked and under you?_

_\- Mhmm. – Lexa hummed returning to Clarke's neck._

_\- Lexa I was serious._

_\- We have time. – Lexa whispered before sucking on Clarke's pulse point._

_\- Fuck._

_Clarke lifted her hips up searching Lexa's, wanting any kind of friction._

_\- Patience. – Lexa said pushing her back to the bed. – Put your hands above your head and don't move them._

_Clarke obliged. She adored soft and tender Lexa, but she fucking loved this Lexa. She put her hands above her head and Lexa continued leaving marks on Clarke's neck._

_Lexa brought her left hand to the side of Clarke's face, her thumb on her girlfriend's lower lip. She kissed her, rough and hard, pulling Clarke's lip with her teeth. Clarke moaned and lifted her hips again._

_Lexa put her hand between their bodies and lightly pushed Clarke's stomach down._

_\- I said patience._

_\- Hurry up._

_Lexa smiled and moved her hand lower until it was between Clarke's legs._

_\- Always so wet. – she whispered biting Clarke's earlobe._

_She lightly pressed Clarke's clit and made small circles with her finger._

_\- More. – Clarke moaned._

_Lexa smirked, moving her fingers around, collecting Clarke's wetness before slipping two of her fingers inside Clarke. It didn't take long before Clarke started rocking her hips against Lexa's fingers. But then Lexa pulled them out, making Clarke groan in frustration._

_– And you always taste so good. – Lexa said hovering above Clarke as she sucked her fingers clean._

_\- Lexa._

_\- Yes Clarke?_

_\- Stop teasing._

_\- Mmmm. – Lexa mumbled and began to kiss down Clarke's body, going between her breast and over her stomach, straight to her thighs. – This what you want? – she said biting the inside of Clarke's thigh._

_\- Yes. – was all Clarke could tell and everything Lexa needed to move her tongue where Clarke wanted her the most._

_It didn't take long for Clarke to come undone._

_Couple of hours later they were holding hands at the entrance of Coney Island's luna park. Clarke wanted to go on every ride in the park and Lexa wanted to stay with her feet on the ground as much as possible._

_\- It was your idea to come here._

_\- It was, but that doesn't mean I want to be thousand feet above the ground._

_\- Don't be dramatic._

_\- And you stop pouting, that won't help you._

_\- C'mon, I'll make it worth it later. – Clarke said before kissing Lexa._

_\- Playing dirty. You can pick 3._

_\- Five._

_\- No, 3, this is not a negotiation._

_Clarke picked her rides and it was the longest hour of Lexa's life._

_\- See, it wasn't that bad. – Clarke said afterwards._

_\- Yeah, the best part about it is that it's done._

_\- Awww small scared baby._

_Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck and kissed the tip of her nose._

_\- I wasn't scared._

_\- Sure you weren't. That's why you held onto me so tight._

_\- I held you because I love you._

_Clarke smiled. Biggest smile she had. She smiled every time Lexa said those three little words._

_\- I love you, even though you are sometimes a small scared baby._

_Lexa just laughed and kissed Clarke. Then again. And again._

_\- Do you want that bear? – she said looking over Clarke's shoulder._

_Clarke turned around leaning back into Lexa's arms._

_\- Which one?_

_\- The biggest one. – Lexa answered with her nose in Clarke's hair. – Looks like you._

_Clarke laughed._

_\- Big and hairy?_

_\- Soft and fluffy._

_\- If you think you can win it._

_\- Watch me. – Lexa said as she walked to the stand with some kind of a shooting game._

_She had to shoot down a bunch of cups without missing once._

_It took her six tries but eventually Lexa had that bear in her arms._

_\- You are fluffier. – she said when she handed it to Clarke._

 

It feels like a lifetime ago. Lexa forgot about that day. She forgot how happy she was back then. How happy Clarke was.

\- He is still soft.

Lexa startles and turns around to see Clarke leaning on the wall.

\- Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. – Clarke says as she walks to Lexa.

She's in jeans and white shirt. Her hair is curly and she smells like flowers.

\- You didn't. I was just thinking. – Lexa smiles.

\- That was one hell of a day.

Lexa puts her hands behind her back. Her fingers itch and she doesn't trust herself.

\- Especially the before part.

Clarke blushes and Lexa thinks it's the cutest thing in the world.

\- Wanna do it again? – Lexa asks. – The after part. Or both, if that's what you want.

Clarke's whole face turns red.

\- It's the middle of winter? – she manages to say.

\- I'm sure there's something that's open. I can win you a new giant animal.

Now Clarke turns and faces Lexa. Her cheeks are still pink but she's smiling.

\- Are you asking me out on a date?

Lexa thinks it's now or never. She has nothing to lose, she's already lost everything.

\- Do you want it to be a date?

\- What happens if I do? – Clarke bites her lip.

\- We go on a date.

\- It's not that simple.

\- Why can't it be?

Lexa can see Clarke pull back, her walls going back up. Pain can do terrible things to a human being.

\- Because we are not simple.

\- We can be.

Lexa can hear her heart beating in her ears.

\- I don't trust you.

Lexa was wrong, there are still things she can lose.

\- Okay. I'm sorry.

\- What for?

\- Asking stupid questions.

\- Why don't you ask the right ones then?

\- Because I know the answers.

Clarke huffs and shakes her head.

\- Sure you do. – she turns around and starts to walk out of the room. – Are you still going?

\- If you want me to.

\- As far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed.

Lexa puts on her brave face and walks behind Clarke.

The ride to Raven's place is spent in silence. They sit on different sides of the car, both looking out the window.

Lexa thinks about missed chances and wasted moments. She thinks about pain and suffering, about hurting and being hurt. She thinks about Clarke's softness turned into cuts and bruises.

\- We are here. – Clarke says to the void between them.

They exit the car and go up to Raven's apartment without speaking to each other.

Harper opens the door and Clarke gets lost in the crowd.

Lexa goes to the kitchen and finds the unopened bottle of vodka. She will make it hers tonight. She never did that thing when you get excessively drunk after a break up. It was her fault after all and she didn't think she was supposed to drink. She just cried. But she decides to do it tonight. Tonight she can't be sober.

So she drinks and drinks. She sees people come and go. Some of them talk to her, others know better.

Raven comes and tells her to slow down. She doesn't listen. 

Octavia sends death glares. She doesn't care.

Every now and then she sees Clarke talking and smiling and she drinks more.

She sees her looking at Lexa across the room and she drinks even more.

Half a bottle later, Raven comes again.

\- Lexa, are you okay?

\- Mmmm great.

\- I think you should take a break with that. – Raven says and tries to take the bottle from Lexa's hand.

\- No. – Lexa hugs the bottle. – This is mine.

\- What's going on?

Lexa turns her head around and sees Clarke standing next to Raven.

\- Hello Clarke. – Lexa says.

\- She's wasted. – Raven says to Clarke.

\- Raven, did you know Clarke doesn't trust me.

\- Lexa... – Clarke tries to say something but Lexa cuts her off.

\- Shhhh I'm talking to Raven.

Raven looks at Clarke who just shrugs and then turns to Lexa.

\- Yes, I did know that.

\- Why? Why doesn't she trust me? – Lexa looks at Raven  with tears in her eyes before taking another swing from the bottle.

\- C'mon Lexa, you've had enough, I'll take you home. – Clarke says as she walks to Lexa.

\- I said I'm talking to Raven. Raven?

\- Yeah?

\- Why won't she forgive me?

\- I don't know Lex, you have to ask her that.

\- Why won't you forgive me? – Lexa asks on the verge of crying.

She looks up at Clarke standing above her.

\- If you want to talk tomorrow when you are sober then we can talk about that.

\- Okay.

Clarke takes the bottle from her hand and she hears Raven say she can sleep in her bed. She just nods and after a couple of minutes she's in bed and sleeping.

She wakes up to a killer headache. It takes her a couple of seconds to remember where she is and a couple more to feel nothing but shame.

Last night she got drunk and made a fool of herself and today she has to face Clarke.

She gets up and goes to the bathroom before leaving the bedroom. There she finds Raven and Clare talking.

\- Good morning sleeping beauty. – Raven says with smile on her face.

Clarke doesn't turn around.

\- Morning. I'm sorry about last night and thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.

\- Shit happens, don't even mention it. You want aspirin or coffee? Or both?

\- Coffee is good.

Lexa walks and stands next to Clarke. Raven pours her a cup of coffee and hands it to her.

\- I have some stuff I have to do. I'll be back in couple of hours. Or not. You know where to leave the keys if you leave. – she says looking at Clarke and she just nods. – See you later kids. Be good.

They are alone and Lexa knows she has to speak first.

\- I'm so sorry about last night, it will never happen again. – Lexa blurts looking down at her cup.

\- Do you still want to know?

\- I do. – Lexa says softly.

\- Then ask me.

Lexa can feel Clarke's eyes on her.

\- Why don't you trust me? – she asks still looking down.

\- What do you think why?

Lexa looks up and sees the same face she saw when she left. There are no walls, no masks. It's just Clarke.

\- Because I broke your heart.

\- You broke so much more than just my heart. But it's not that. I don't trust you because I'm scared you'll do it again. I'm so fucking scared.

Clarke cries and Lexa can't force herself to say anything.

\- And you ruined it for me. – Clarke continues. – You ruined everything for me. I can't be with anyone else because they are not you. They don't have your eyes, they don't have your smile, they don't kiss like you. I tried, I tried so hard. They were all great, they liked me, they respected me, they would have even loved me if I had let them but I would have never loved them like I loved you. So I always have to choose to be happy with something less or be alone.

\- I'm sorry.

\- Yeah, I'm sure you are. Do you know what I think about when I can't sleep?

Lexa shakes her head. There's no point in trying to stop her tears.

\- I think about that day. I think about your eyes when you told me you don't love me. Why did you do that Lexa? Why did you say that when we both know you didn't mean it? Why did you have to do that?

\- I don't know.

It's an honest answer. Or maybe half honest. It's been so long and Lexa found a million reason, but never one that was good enough. Never one that was reason enough.

\- That's not a good enough answer. Why did you do that Lexa?

\- I knew that was the only thing I could say that would make you hate me. I regretted it as soon as I said it.

That's also an honest answer. That Lexa felt like she had to leave, had to make Clarke hate her. This Lexa regrets ever saying that.

\- That's the shittiest excuse ever. 

\- It's not an excuse. You asked why. I needed you to hate me.

\- Why?

\- Because that way I was in control of why we weren't together anymore. It would have happened eventually, you would have left, so I did it before you could.

\- What the fuck Lexa? Do you hear yourself? Did I ever say or do something that would make you think that?

\- Your friends said you were happier with your ex. They said that every time they could.

They did. Lexa spent so much time convincing herself that Clarke is not her friends. Clarke didn't  think that. Clarke was hers. That Lexa was stupid. This Lexa knows what she should have done is talk to Clarke.

\- Who said that?

\- Doesn't matter.

\- It fucking does matter. Who told you that? And why didn't you talk with me instead of running away?

\- Pretty much everyone, except Raven and some others.

\- What did they tell you and when?

\- Does it really matter? It was a long time ago.

\- It fucking matters. What and when?

\- Every other time that you weren't there and just stuff. How you were happier with him, you laughed more, went out more, how it looked like you don't love me like you loved him.

\- They told you I didn't love you like I loved him?

Clarke is not crying anymore. She looks sad and angry. She looks like she wants to slap Lexa and hug her.

She looks tired.

\- Not to my face. When they thought I couldn't hear them.

\- Jesus Christ Lexa.

\- So yeah, it's not an excuse and I'm not looking for excuses. I'm sorry I said that, I really am and I hope it will come a time when you will be able to forgive me.

\- I don't know what to say. You broke our hearts because you believed my friends more than you believed me.

\- People leave. That's what they do. They promise to love you and they stop. And they leave.

\- I'm still here, I didn't fucking leave. – Clarke yells, gets up and slams the door behind her leaving Lexa all alone.

Once she is all alone, Lexa thinks how stupid it was to tell Clarke all that after all these years. She should have just given her some kind of a closure. Something to explain why she did what she did. But her feelings got the best of her.

 She wants Clarke to forgive her. She wants Clarke back.

She knows what she did was unforgivable but she loves Clarke.

Lexa hears the door open and sees Raven storm inside.

\- What the fuck did you do now?

\- What?

\- What the fuck did you do? Clarke called me yelling because of something you told her.

\- Where is she?

\- She's at home. I told her to stay there before I come.

\- I'll go talk to her.

\- Fuck you will. Listen, you are a great person and friend and I like you but you broke her heart and you are fucking stupid if you think I will let you do that again.

\- I can't break something that's not mine to begin with.

Raven shakes her head and sits where Clarke used to sit.

\- Lexa, what happened?

\- Nothing. We talked. I told her why I did stupid shit and she got angry.

Lexa's phone buzzes on the counter before Raven can say anything. It's Clarke.

**Clarke**

**12:13**

can you come over?

now

**12:14**

Okay.

\- It's Clarke. I have to go.

\- Please don't do stupid shit.

\- I won't.

When Lexa arrives to Clarke's apartment she doesn't know what to expect.

When Clarke opens, obviously angry, Lexa is prepared to be yelled at, to hear everything and nothing.

\- I've been trying to understand but I can't. I just can't wrap my brain around the idiocity of your behavior. – Clarke speaks and makes a small step towards Lexa with every word she says.

Lexa walks backwards until her legs hit the wall in the hallway across Clarke's apartment.

\- I just can't understand how fucking stupid you had to be to believe all that. Or no, not even believe, how stupid you had to be to not come and talk to me, to your girlfriend, to the person you love.

With that last word Clarke has Lexa pinned to the wall.

\- How could you be so stupid to believe I loved anyone more than I love you? – Clarke asks pushing Lexa further into the wall.

\- I...

\- No, you nothing. Fucking hell Lexa. I am never more happy than when I'm with you. I was never more happy. I've never laughed like I laugh when I'm with you. I've never wanted someone like I want you. No one ever looked at me like you look at me. No one knew my fears like you do. I have never loved someone like I love you.

With that, Clarke turns around and closes the door of her apartment, leaving Lexa all alone.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe she’s right. Maybe you did let go. Maybe I should let you go. Maybe it is too hard and too everything. Maybe she was right about all that.  
> But loving you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a big delay, life got in the way, next one should be out sooner.
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading and to @oscillatewildely for help.

_January 25 th 2019_

_For the first time in many, many months I don’t feel trapped in my own mind. There is no pressure in my chest when I breathe, there is no feeling in the pit of my stomach stopping me from being free._

_There is no guilt in my heart._

_Mostly._

_There are moments when it creeps up to me and your face in that hallway comes to my head and I can’t escape it. Truth be told I don’t even try. That guilt is different from the one before. This one feels less crippling, less devastating._

_It’s been two weeks since I saw you and I haven’t cried once._

_Okay, that’s a lie. I cried that day. I had to. For all the times I didn’t in the past few years and all the times you did._

_Missing you feels different now. I don’t feel bad for missing you. I don’t feel guilty. It’s different this time. I learned to miss you like back before all this. Before the shouts and heartbreak, back at the beginning._

_That sweet and sad feeling I used to get when we spent the night apart. When I would lie in my bed and think about you, imagine the warmth of your body if you were lying next to me, your hand on my hip, your breath on my neck, the smell of your skin, your smile. I used to spend the night awake thinking about you, wishing for morning to come sooner so I could see you, feel you, hold your hand and kiss your lips._

_The only difference is I don’t get to see you in the morning. But I trick myself and I let that part of my soul feel everything it needs to feel. It has been shut for way too long._

_So I think about you. I let myself get lost in the thought of you. Then I sleep._

_And dream about you._

 

_January 30 th 2019_

_I’m slightly tipsy. I’m writing here so I don’t text you. I was with Anya. It was supposed to be just coffee but she said I needed to get drunk._

_After a couple of drinks I started to talk about you like a lovestruck teenager._

_She told me I need to let go of you because you’ve let go of me. She said it’s not worth all this shit we keep doing. I keep doing. She said it was supposed to be easy. She said love should be easy._

_Maybe she’s right. Maybe you did let go. Maybe I should let you go. Maybe it is too hard and too everything. Maybe she was right about all that._

_But loving you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life._

 

_February 10 th 2019_

_It’s Lincoln’s birthday tomorrow and I’m invited to the party. He said I’m not allowed to say no. He said you are okay with me being there but I don’t know if I am. Everyone will be there. It won’t be the first time but it will be the first time since I told you and I don’t know if I am capable of dealing with that just yet. Then again, I miss you._

* * *

 

Lexa was late. The party had already started hours before. She was late because she almost stayed home. But she said no to Lincoln too many times. So she found a bottle of some alcohol and went to face her demons.

\- Lexa, you are here. We thought you wouldn’t come. - Lincoln said as he hugged her.

\- Happy birthday, Lincoln.

\- I’m so happy you are here. You can put the bottle in the kitchen with the rest of it. Or just give it to Raven.

\- Happy to be here. I expected a lot more people. - Lexa said as she looked around the apartment seeing all those faces she left behind years ago.

\- Yeah I didn’t want it to be too crowded. Speaking of crowd I have to go find Octavia. We’ll talk later. Have fun, don’t be too serious. - he said laughing.

\- I’ll try.

When Lexa got to the kitchen she found Raven and Clarke talking and mixing drinks.

\- Hello. - Lexa said with a smile on her face. She had to put her best self for everyone to see. - Lincoln sent me here. - she put the bottle in front of them.

\- Hey stranger. - Raven had a big smile on her face. - Long time no see.

\- Yeah, I’ve been busy.

\- I know the feeling. What are you drinking?

\- Straight vodka. - Those were the first words Clarke said. Her arm was stretched to Lexa and there was a shot of vodka in her hand.

\- Er actually I wasn’t planning on drinking. - Lexa tried but Clarke’s arm was still in front of her and her eyes were digging holes in Lexa’s head.

So Lexa took that one and the next one and the one after that. She talked with Raven and Clarke was just there, in black jeans and white shirt, with her hair pulled up handing her shots of vodka. When she stopped Lexa started to shut Raven out and turned her head to Clarke who was now talking to Harper. She watched how her mouth would curl up when she smiled. How her eyes closed when she laughed.

\- Lexaaaa are you even listening to me.

Lexa saw Raven’s hand in front of her face and turned her head towards her.

\- I am, I am, sorry.

Now Raven was the one to turn around and see who Lexa was looking at.

\- Like hell you are. You know she was expecting a text or a call from you.

\- What? - Raven now had all of Lexa’s attention.

\- Clarke. She thought you would call or text. You didn’t and now she’s even angrier than before.

\- What? I thought she doesn’t want to hear from me or for me.

\- Well she doesn’t, but she still thought you would.

\- How is she? - Lexa asked.

\- It’s different than before. She’s just angry. Really, really angry. She spent a week interrogating me. And let me just tell you. That shit you did was really stupid. You should be happy she didn’t bite your head off. I would have.

\- I can’t change it now. We all do stupid shit.

\- You should talk with her.

\- She’ll bite my head off.

Raven laughed and Lexa realized how much she missed not only Clarke but Raven and Octavia and everyone else she just put up with for Clarke’s sake.

She missed the late night runs with Octavia and early morning chats with Raven. She had her people, people she loved and people who loved her but she also missed Clarke’s people. People who became her family. That’s something people really don’t think about, at least Lexa didn’t. When you break up with someone it’s not just that person you lose, you lose friends and family. You loose bits and pieces of yourself.

\- What’s the joke? - Lexa heard Clarke’s voice and looked up to see her standing next to Raven.

\- You biting her head off. - Raven said still laughing. - I’ll leave you to it. Enjoy.

\- Hi. - Lexa whispered once Raven left, looking Clarke in the eyes. No fear.

\- Did you know there are orchids which grow on tree branches. They have no dependency on the tree itself, or the tree on the orchid. They live their independent lives, gathering food and everything else on their own. It’s a lot like that book of yours. About prime numbers. Twin prime wasn’t it? Those that are the loneliest and closest to each other but never close enough to touch, to not be the loneliest. Like that tree and orchid on it, always together but living a separate life. Do you think that’s us?

Clarke was talking slowly and calm. There was no anger in her voice, she wasn’t upset, she wasn’t impatient. She spoke clear and direct. She was there letting Lexa decide if she wants to stay or let go.

\- No. - Lexa spoke softly. - Because you touched me.

Clarke’s eyes softened. It looked like she lost all her resolve.

\- Then why do you keep slipping out of my hands.

Lexa wanted to say how she never wanted. Her heart and head had a bad coordination. They kept pulling in opposite directions but now they are on the same string, hanging loose somewhere between her heart and Clarke, waiting for those hands she slipped out from to pull the loose string.

But then Jasper bursted in and threw his arms around Clarke.

\- Ladies, why are you sitting here all alone.

\- We are trying to talk. - Clarke said moving away from him.

\- No more talking. We are going to play a game and you two are coming.

\- What game? - Lexa asked.

\- Truth or dare.

\- What are we? 12? - Clarke was clearly getting irritated by all that was happening.

\- No, but we are still playing. Live a little. And Raven said you have to.

\- I think I’ll skip. - Lexa wasn’t really keen on the idea of playing that game with all those people.

\- Who’s playing? - Clarke asked.

\- Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Monty, Harper, me, you and Lexa.

\- What? No, I… - Lexa tried again but this time Clarke cut her off.

\- If I have to do it, then you’ll also do it.

Almost without realizing Lexa was pulled into the living room and sat between Raven and Lincoln.

Clarke was the first to spin the bottle and it landed on Lincoln.

\- Okay birthday boy, what’s it gonna be?

\- Truth.

The group went in round saying their boos in Lincoln’s direction.

\- Okay, okay, chill. Hmmm... have you ever cheated or been cheated on? - Clarke asked.

\- Griffin, what the fuck, that’s so fucking lame. - Raven groaned.

\- No and no and shush Raven, you speak when it’s your turn to speak.

Now it was his turn to spin and this time it stopped on Raven.

\- Truth and only truth.

\- And you gave me shit for choosing truth. - Lincoln said shaking his head.

\- I’m just warming up, I’m nothing like you.

\- Sure. Tell us Raven, who here would you most like to make out with?

\- Easy. Clarke.

\- Thanks babe. - Clarke blowed a kiss Raven’s way.

Lexa felt the sting of jealousy even though she knew there was no reason. Exchanges like that happened all the time, the only difference being that before she could hold Clarke a bit closer and tighter to show her that she is only hers. Now she can just smile and bury that feeling somewhere deep inside.

\- No problemo. You are the hottest person in here. After Lexa of course but that would be too dangerous.

\- Why? - Lexa asked before Clarke could.

\- I mean we can if you want, but the blondie will bite my head off after and I’m not sure you are worth it hottie.

\- Reyes spin the bottle and shut up. - Clarke said blushing and Lexa never felt better being jealous.

Raven laughed and the bottle landed on Lexa.

\- We all know what this one will be. - Jasper commented.

\- Truth. - was all Lexa said.

\- Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. Let me see, hmmm… what is the grossest thing you have had in your mouth?

\- An ugly giant looking black bug, or as I like to call it “that bug Clarke tried to kill me with”.

\- Oh here it goes again. - Clarke said sighing.

\- I almost died.

\- Oh please.

\- It’s true. - Small smile forming on the corner of Lexa’s mouth.

\- Sure. - Clarke said in playful tone.

Lincoln was the one to ask to hear more about, what seemed to be a really famous, bug.

\- There was a bug in our bathroom. The ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. - Lexa started.

\- It was a small cute black bug with four small legs. - Clarke interrupted her.

\- Shhh this is my story. The ugliest bug ever and I wanted to get rid of it. Kill it. But Clarke didn’t let me. She said she’ll take care of it. So I go to sleep thinking she will take it out or something, I’m not thinking about that thing. I fall asleep and then in the middle of the night I’m awakened by something falling on my face and in my mouth. I instantly get up, spitting it out. I turn the lights on and I see that same bug wiggling on the carpet.

By the time Lexa finished her story everyone was in tears laughing.

\- That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. - Octavia managed to say.

Raven put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and pulled her for a hug.

\- You Lexa are the fiercest woman baby I’ve ever known.

\- I could have choked. - Lexa said in the most serious voice she had.

\- Spin the bottle you big bug lover.

After Lexa, the bottle landed on Jasper.

\- Dare, because I’m not like the rest of you.

\- Let Octavia shave your eyebrows.

He was hesitant at first but after everyone started talking about a big disappointment he was turning out to be, he put the bravest face and act on and let Octavia shave his eyebrows.

Monty was the next lucky person. He went with dare and Jasper said he has to lick the floor.

\- Like that is a big deal. - Monty said before leaning down and licking the wooden floor in front of him. - Amazing. - he added after he got up.

\- That’s disgusting. - Harper said looking at the wet trail Monty’s tongue left on the floor.

\- You gotta do what you gotta do. - Monty said as the bottle was spinning.

It landed on Lexa. Again.

\- Why did you break up with your last girlfriend? - Octavia asked with devilish smirk.

Lexa tried to keep her smile on as she looked over at Clarke, Clarke who raised her eyebrows as if daring her to say the truth. Lexa didn’t know if she should make up a story about someone somewhere or go with the truth. What even was the truth that she could have told them.

\- Uh I guess I thought that was for the best.

Clarke rolled her eyes and looked away taking a sip of her drink.

\- That’s not an answer. - Octavia said shaking her head left and right.

\- Yeah I just lost my fucking eyebrows you will give a better answer than that. - Jasper said through his teeth.

\- I don’t know what you want me to say. I broke up with her because at the time I thought that was the best for her and me and us.

\- That’s a really selfish thing to do, don’t you think? - Octavia asked.

\- Is she in this room? - Jasper added looking smug.

The room went quiet. Everyone turned their head to the floor. Except Jasper. He looked proud. Clarke was looking at Lexa and Lexa was getting really angry really fast. She could hear the blood pumping in her ears. She wanted nothing more than to punch a hole through Jasper’s face.

\- Guys… - Clarke started to speak to stop her friends before things went too far but Lexa cut her off.

\- Do you not know how this game works or are you just fucking stupid? - Lexa asked looking at Jasper.

Everyone in the room laughed. Except Jasper. His eyes were fixed to the floor.

\- Oookay, are we still playing? - Raven asked.

\- Yes. - Lexa said and spinned the bottle.

Before Harper decided if she wanted truth or dare Lexa took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down. She wasn’t going to let Jasper of all people to ruin her night. She also noticed Clarke staring and then looking away when she caught her.

Harper chose dare and Lexa dared her to post an unflattering picture of herself on the social media of her choosing. The blonde took a quick picture of herself and posted it on twitter.

Now it ended up being Clarke’s turn.

\- Truth.

\- You people are so fucking boring. - Octavia groaned.

\- Who is the sexiest person here? - Harper asked.

Clarke looked at Lexa and for a minute it seemed she was going to say her name.

\- Easy. Raven. - Clarke said eventually mimicking Raven before spinning the bottle.

This time it stopped in front of Octavia.

\- Fucking finally. Dare. - That was what Octavia was waiting for since they started playing.

\- Play a song by slapping your butt cheeks till someone guesses the song your are playing.

\- Jesus Christ Griffin. Oh, I have the perfect song.

Octavia jumped up enthusiastically and started slapping her butt in some kind of a rhythm. After a couple of seconds it was obvious what she was trying to play but everyone remained quiet. It was an unspoken agreement to make her do this for as long as possible. Lincoln was the first one to laugh and everyone followed his lead.

\- Sorry, I couldn’t go on anymore. It’s Anaconda and I love your buns babe.

\- I hate you all.

\- You are very talented. - Raven said still laughing.

\- Fuck you. Who is going to be the lucky one? - Octavia said as she turned the bottle on the ground.

And it was Lexa.

\- Oh God. Truth, I guess.

\- Good luck. - she heard Raven laugh next to her.

\- What is the biggest lie you have ever told? - Octavia asked.

Lexa knew she could think of something stupid or even straight up lie. But she remembered Clarke’s question about prime numbers and orchids and trees and everything that wasn’t said but meant and she knew she couldn’t lie. She shouldn’t.

She wouldn’t.

\- Telling Clarke I didn’t love her.

There it was. She said it.

Her heart was beating so fast she was losing breath. She was looking somewhere between Octavia and Clarke, her head being stronger than her heart, telling her to not look at Clarke. To look anywhere but at Clarke.

She couldn’t help it.

She stole a glance and looked at the bluest eyes in the room. They were soft and sparkly.

Lexa didn’t know why she felt like this. She said a thing almost everyone in this room knew.

But she said it. Out loud. That was what made it different.

She took the bottle in her hand and spinned it. Too many eyes were looking at her.

It landed on Raven and Lexa was grateful because Raven seemed like the only one who didn’t care about what just happened.

\- Let Monty draw on your face whatever he wants. - Lexa mumbled out a dare for Raven and everyone was now busy laughing at whatever it was that Monty tried to draw on her face.

The entire time Lexa could feel Clarke watching her. Every now and then she would look in her direction and was met with a pair of eyes looking for answers.

\- I feel sorry for the next person. - Lexa heard Octavia say.

\- You should be. - Raven responded before spinning the bottle.

It was Clarke.

\- Oh Clarkey. - Raven said with a devilish grin on her face. - What’s it gonna be?

\- Dare.

\- I dare you to kiss a person in this room.

The alarms in Lexa’s head went off and before she could realize what was happening she felt Clarke’s hand in her hair and Clarke’s lips on her own. It was a small kiss, just lips on lips, for the couple of longest seconds of Lexa’s life. Then she felt Clarke’s tongue on her lips and she fell into the kiss. Their noses bumped when Clarke switched sides and Lexa was too eager to get Clarke’s lips back because she could feel the other girl’s smile against her mouth. But Clarke kissed her again and she didn’t care. She didn’t care about anything.

It was a short kiss. But when Clarke pulled away it felt like a whole lifetime.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was also the smell of the ocean, sand between her fingers, hot cup of coffee and Clarke’s touch. So when she felt Clarke’s fingers on her neck and Clarke’s lips on her own, the world stopped spinning and there was only Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short something before a longer something. Take it as a preview. Sorry it took so long again. Life is pretty wild right now. I'll try to do better. This time next week there should be a longer chapter out.  
> Thanks to @oscillatewildely and everyone else reading, you are awesome.

There are few things in this world that could cure Lexa’s heart as walking around after the rain. When the streets are empty, the colors are darker and clearer and the smell is divine. She used to spend hours sitting under trees and just breathing. The time would stop and the world would stop existing. There was only Lexa and quiet drums of her heart. When she moved to the big city the streets were a little less empty and the smell was little less divine, but for the shortest fraction of time there would be the only one in the world and everything was alright.

There was also the smell of the ocean, sand between her fingers, hot cup of coffee and Clarke’s touch. So when she felt Clarke’s fingers on her neck and Clarke’s lips on her own, the world stopped spinning and there was only Clarke.

The softest grip of Clarke’s hand at the back of her head.

The smallest movement of Clarke’s fingers through her hair.

The smell of Clarke’s skin. Flowers and rain.

The taste of Clarke’s lips.

The breath Clarke let out after the kiss and the smile Lexa felt against her lips.

When Clarke pulled away she left Lexa wanting more and more and more.

-That was hot.

\- Nice.

Lexa heard them but wasn’t aware of them. She saw only Clarke, she wanted only Clarke. Clarke who was now smiling behind her glass, her eyes jumping from Lexa to every other person in the room.  With every second she spent looking at Clarke, her heart was beating faster and faster. Eventually she looked away, down, to the floor between them. Lexa heard them talk and she laughed with them, pretending she was listening when the only thing she cared about was the way Clarke looked at her when she thought no one could see her.

After a while she was the only one left sitting there, everyone else was either on the balcony or they left. Lexa was there, sitting on the wooden floor, with her back against the couch, thinking about the first time she kissed Clarke.

It was nothing like the kiss they shared earlier.

Their first kiss happened on their third date. They went to see a movie and Lexa turned into a teenager again and made plans how and when she was going to kiss Clarke. Lexa wanted to do it on the first date, after she walked Clarke home, but she didn’t know if Clarke wanted so she did nothing. On the second one she wasted a perfect opportunity on talking about something she couldn’t even remember because Clarke was too close and she was too nervous. So this time she made plans but she didn’t plan on Clarke being so invested in the movie. After the movie ended they walked to Clarke’s apartment and talked about everything and nothing, mostly Clarke talking about some stupid video she saw last night. Lexa was trying to gather enough courage to kiss Clarke once they stop walking but then, once they stopped, Clarke said she had to come upstairs see the video she was talking about. The apartment was just like Lexa imagined it would be. It was very much like Clarke, colorful and cozy. Lexa watched the video, drank her drink and when the time came for her to go she kissed her. It was far from perfect, their noses bumped but Clarke laughed and Lexa knew it was going to be okay. When the morning came and Lexa kissed Clarke goodbye, she knew she never wanted to stop kissing her.

\- Deep in thoughts as always.

Lexa looked up and she saw Clarke standing above her.

\- Can I join you? – she asked.

\- Always.

They sat in silence, Clarke looking up and Lexa down.

Clarke looked tired and Lexa almost asked her about her day.

Clarke looked happy and Lexa almost said it looked good on her.

Lexa almost said a lot of things but she still felt Clarke’s lips on her own and Clarke still smelled like heaven.

\- I like you perfume. – were the only words that left Lexa’s mouth.

\- Yeah? – Clarke asked turning her head to Lexa.

\- Mhmm, earthly with a touch of sky. Perfect. Reminds me of our first date.

\- That reminds you of our first date? – Clarke laughed.

\- Yes, your hair smelled like flowers and it was raining. I don’t know.

Clarke just smiled . Clarke also looked amazing. Her hair was up in a bun, with few loose strands falling down her face, her eyes big, sparkly and so, so blue. She looked like she smelled, heavenly.

\- You are beautiful.

\- Oh God. – Clarke covered her face but Lexa still saw her cheeks changing color to bright red.

\- You are. – Lexa said as she pulled Clarke’s hands away from her face. Clarke was blushing and smiling. - And now even more.

\- Corny.

\- Just the truth.

Lexa lifted her hand and tucked the loose hair behind Clarke’s ear. It wasn’t supposed to be anything special, she wasn’t thinking about anything other than moving the hair from Clarke’s face because she knew how much she hated it. But then Clarke closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. So Lexa did what she did hundred times before, threaded her fingers through Clarke’s hair, scratched the back of Clarke’s neck. If that was any of the other hundred times she would have kissed Clarke, but this was a first time so Lexa just moved her head as close as she could without touching Clarke’s. Breathing the same air was going to be enough.

\- Lexa? – Clarke whispered.

\- Yes. – she let out shaky breath.

\- You need to calm down or you are going to have a heart attack.

\- I’m trying. – Lexa laughed.

The problem was that she was never this close to Clarke without it being before or after kiss.

\- It was so stupid what you did. – Clarke whispered.

\- I know.

\- You broke me. – Clarke was now looking at her, with those big and sparkly and blue eyes.  – Not just my heart but my whole being. It took me so long to put it all back up. Or even pretend that it’s all back in one piece. There was a time I thought I hated you. I wanted to hate you so bad. But then I realized it was never you that I hated, it was what you did to me. You made me feel loved and safe and then you just left and said it was all a lie.

Lexa remained silent. She could tell how sorry she was, she could apologize, she could even try and find a reason for it all, but she knew Clarke didn’t need or want that. So she stayed quiet with her fingers lightly tapping the back of Clarke’s neck.

\- Do you know what was one of the hardest things to get used to? – Clarke asked and when Lexa didn’t say anything she continued.  – I lost a person who understood me and everything about me. You knew when I was happy and when I was sad without me saying anything. You knew when I wanted to talk and when I wanted to just sit in silence. You just knew. You were always there and then you weren’t and I just missed you so much.

It was a long couple of minutes before Lexa said anything. Her hand was no longer in Clarke’s hair and Clarke was no longer looking at her.

\- Go on a date with me.

\- What? – Clarke looked at her still processing what she just heard.

\- I don’t mean date date. Just let me make at least half of it right. Just… Please.

\- We already tried that and it didn't really work out. You can't make half of it okay and just forget about the other half. We were never just friends. It was the other way around.

They were stuck in a limbo, and they were going to stay there forever switching between kissing, not talking to each other and everything in between. There was only two possible ways of getting out, one was leaving and the other was to never leave again.

-Then let's go on a date date. – Lexa chose the other one and hoped Clarke would chose the same.

\- And what? Turn a clean sheet? Forget? Real life doesn't work like that.

\- No, I know. I know what I did was unforgettable, but does it have to be unforgivable? What do you think when you look at me?

\- I think a lot of things, but then I remember you leaving.

\- I know, I can see it in your eyes. I'm not asking you to forget it, you probably never will, all I'm asking is for you to try and forgive me.

\- Are you seriously asking me to go out with you, while sitting on the floor of our friends apartment, after I just told you all that?

\- Yes.

\- Wow.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea and maybe Lexa misread the situation, but she wanted to say that, to ask that ever since she and Clarke tried, or better yet, pretended to be friends.

\- Clarke where are you? We have to go. – Raven called from kitchen.

\- I'm coming. – she yelled back. – I have to go. – she said to Lexa after getting up.

\- Okay. – Lexa whispered to herself. At least she tried.

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But it was there and it was alive and when Lexa came back, when Lexa smiled again, when Lexa kissed her again the flame got bigger and bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is not as good or long as I'd like it but I promised so here it is, something. My life right now is wild and when it slows down updates will be more regular. Right now it's when I find time to write anything. Bear with me.

\- Can you believe her?

Clarke was pacing from her TV to the couch ever since she came home.

\- First you have to stop walking like a crazy person. – Raven said as she walked from the kitchen. As soon as they left the party Clarke told her about her and Lexa’s talk. She told her how Lexa asked her out but not how she let Lexa’s fingers draw lines at the back of her head.

But Clarke couldn’t stop walking. The floor beneath her was fire and she felt that if she stopped it would consume her. It wasn’t only the floor that was on fire.

A tiny flame, buried somewhere deep inside her, tiny Lexa flame, was growing bigger and stronger with time. It was almost as big as before. When it was the only thing keeping her alive. When it burned high and proud. Then came a time when she had to bury it somewhere deep, somewhere where no one will see it, somewhere only she would know it’s still alive.

But it was there and it was alive and when Lexa came back, when Lexa smiled again, when Lexa kissed her again the flame got bigger and bigger.

When Lexa said she wanted her, still, again, Clarke felt trapped, scared.

Probably because it brought old memories.

Mostly because she wanted it more than anything else.

So she walked and walked and walked but she couldn’t walk away.

\- Don’t sit there. – she stopped when she saw Raven sit in Lexa’s chair. A chair. Clarke reminded herself. Just a chair.

\- Seriously?

It was absurd. Clarke knew that. It was beyond absurd to think of it as Lexa’s chair. But it felt wrong to think of it as anything other than Lexa’s chair.

\- Just… please. – Clarke sighed as she finally sat down. She felt exhausted. There was a whole life, two lives, standing on her shoulders and one wrong word, one wrong step would crash it all. Clarke was tired.

She felt Raven pull her and let herself be hugged. She let herself take comfort in her friend’s arms. The soothing circles of Raven’s hand on her back. She closed her eyes and let herself be consumed.

\- And just for the record I can believe her. – Raven said after a while. – And you should too. It’s not like you two are not acting like it. That is when you decide you don’t want to kill her that day. I actually feel sorry for her. She’s like a lost and scared puppy. She looks at you with so much love and so much fear. And then there are you. So proud and unforgiving. Except when you are not and you kiss her and you give her hope. But then you close off again and you destroy bits and pieces of her and more important of you. You have to get your shit together and stop being touchy feely with her if you don’t plan to get back with her. That is if you don’t enjoy this torture thing you’ve got going on, then by all means carry on, but you don’t look like you are very happy with how everything is going on.

\- I don’t know what to do. There are days when the only thing I can think about is that day when she decided to leave and I can’t look at her, I can’t be around her wanting to hurt her. Then there are days when I look at her and I see someone who means the world to me and the only thing I want to do is be with her.

\- I can’t make that decision for you but I would love to because it’s a really easy one.

\- Easy? – Clarke asked with a confused look on her face.

\- Yes Clarke. Easy. You love her. She fucked up bad, really really bad. But ever since she came back the only thing she’s been doing is what you wanted and you took advantage of it. You had sex, then you were friends and then when she couldn’t pretend anymore you pushed her away. You are playing games with her and she is letting you do it. She’d let you do anything you want. Don’t get me wrong, in a way she deserved it all. But think about your feelings if you don’t want to think about hers. You will ruin every chance of happiness you could have if you continue like this. And I don’t mean happiness with her, I mean happiness in general. You have to give her a second chance or let her go.

Clarke didn’t say anything. She looked through the window. The constant stream of cars going up and down the street. Sirens wailing in the distance. Sky filled with thick clouds and lightings in the distance. They’ll bring rain and rumbling and they rip through the silence of every room in the city.

She thought about Lexa, the way she would curl up into Clarke when she’d see those scary lights on the sky. How her heart would beat harder every time thunder startled her. Clarke would put on music just to fill the silence of the room. She would count and kiss Lexa’s fingers over and over again until her heart wouldn’t speed up with every thunder.

She thought how Lexa is dealing with thunders when she is not there.

\- I can’t remember the last time I said that many words in a row and you are just going to stare through the window? – Raven’s question brought Clarke back to reality.

\- Sorry.

\- You are hopeless. – Raven said as she got up. – You have to think long and hard about what you really want. And then you have to tell her. And you have to do it sooner rather than later.

\- I know. Thank you.

They hugged and Raven left, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts.

She knew Raven was right. She knew she had make her choice. She could give Lexa chance to make her forget or she could tell her goodbye forever.

Clarke got the sudden urge to call Lexa. Lexa would know what to do. She always did. Every time Clarke didn’t know what to do she would call or ask Lexa and Lexa would know. She would listen and ask the right questions and Clarke would knew what she had to do. She always did. But she can’t call Lexa.

So Clarke talks herself through it all. From the beginning of it all to the present.

She thinks about all the good, the bad and the ugly stuff they went through.

She thinks about all the I love yous and I don’t love yous.

She tries to imagine a life without Lexa and one with her.

Every now and then her brain would get distracted with thunder breaks and her thoughts would run to Lexa in her bed, holding tight to her blanket.

Clarke realized no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t think of herself without thinking about Lexa. So she picked up her phone and did the only thing imaginable.

**02:14**

you up?

Her phone light up before she could put it down.

**Lexa**

**02:14**

Yes.

**02:15**

it’s over soon.

**Lexa**

**02:15**

I guess so.

**02:16**

do you want me to call you?

**Lexa**

**02:16**

You don’t have to.

Lexa’s texts came back quick. Too quick.

\- I didn’t ask if I have to. – Clarke started to talk when Lexa picked up after just one ring.

\- Thank you.

Lexa’s breathing was slow and shaky.

\- Just breathe. Don’t think about doing it fast or slow or any other way. Just breathe.

Lexa did as she was told. But then Clarke heard a loud bang on the end of the line and Lexa murmuring some curse.

\- Hey Lexa, do you want to hear a story? – Clarke hated that Lexa was all alone, thinking all the wrong things.

\- Yes. – one word, Clarke barely heard it.

\- Once upon a time there was this girl. A warrior princess. She was beyond pretty. She had a long brown hair and the greenest green eyes you could think of. And her smile? Just wow. When she smiled she had whole world laid in front of her, kings were willing to give up their kingdoms for one smile. But she didn’t like kings so she never smiled. – Clarke heard a chuckle on the other side and continued. – Almost never. She was a tough cookie. Strong and smart. And beautiful. Have I said that already?

\- Yes Clarke.

\- Good. Because she was out of this world pretty. No proper words to describe it.

\- She was pretty, okay, go on.

Lexa’s voice was now more relaxed. Clarke smiled and continued her story.

\- So let’s recap. She was beautiful, smart, strong and she had a killer smile. Everyone loved her and her life was pretty great. Except for one thing. She hated thunder storms.

Lexa started laughing and for a short second Clarke knew everything would be okay.

\- I know, right? – Clarke said. – How someone so amazing could be scared of something so stupid like a thunderstorm?

\- They can be dangerous. –Clarke closed her eyes and she could see Lexa’s smile.

\- Anyways, the girl was scared. Every time she would hide under her blanket and wait until it passed. She maybe even cried a bit but you didn’t hear that from me.

\- Mhm.

\- But then her life changed. She met a girl. Blonde and hot. Just her type.

\- I bet.

The storm was long gone but neither of them cared enough to notice.

\- And so there they were. Two girls doing their thing. Falling in love. One day a thunderstorm came and our warrior girl thought well fuck, this hot chick will think I’m crazy.

\- She didn’t think that. – Lexa interrupted her.

\- Be quiet, it’s my story. And she did think that. But what she forgot was that the hot chick loved her more than anything and anyone. And when the thunders came she hugged her and kissed her. Thunderstorms suddenly weren’t that scary anymore and our girl even secretly looked forward to them. The end. What do you think?

\- Amazing. You should write a book.

\- Ah, if only I had time.

For a minute there was no sound other than their breathing.

\- Thank you. - Lexa was the first one to speak.

\- I told you it would be over soon.

\- And you are always right.

\- Damn right.

Silence. Comforting one for a change.

\- Hey Lexa. – Clarke said.

\- Yes Clarke?

Clarke’s heart was beating faster and harder with each second.

\- I would like to go on that date.

Silence. Scary one.

\- You would?

Lexa’s question was quiet and shy.

\- Yes. Very much.

Lexa let out a breath as if it was the first time she started breathing. As if she was holding it in for years. Centuries.

\- Good.

* * *

 

First date was a week later. Dinner at Clarke's favorite restaurant. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad either. Lexa talked more than ever and Clarke laughed too much. She talked about books and movies, about Europe and mountains. Stories and stupid jokes to fill the silence that would creep every once in awhile. And Clarke was grateful. The more Lexa talked the less time Clarke had to think about anything other than Lexa's smile.

\- This was fun. – Clarke said once they were in front of her building.

The walk from the restaurant was the opposite of the time spent there. They walked in silence. Probably because it was cold and Clarke's face was hidden behind layers of clothes. Or maybe because Lexa was nervous. Clarke could see it from the way she had her hands in the pockets, the way she looked in front of her and never at Clarke.

\- Was it? – Lexa asked looking up at Clarke.

\- Yes.

Clarke smiled. Her fingers were itching to touch Lexa, to hug her, to show her it was fun and that everything was good.

But Lexa had her hands in her jacket and Clarke was too scared to break something.

So Clarke just smiled.

\- Wanna do it again?

\- Yes. – Clarke smiled. She felt like that was the only thing she did that night. She smiled and smiled, something she didn't do in a long time.

\- Good. - Lexa said as she moved a step closer to Clarke. Now there were just inches of cold air between them.

Lexa brought her hand to Clarke's cheek and turned the cold air to fire.

\- How are you always so warm? – Clarke closed the distance between them and buried her head deep in Lexa's neck.

Lexa wrapped her arms around her and Clarke remembered how good it felt to just be held by Lexa.

\- It's my superpower. – Lexa whispered. – You are shaking like a leaf. You should go home.

\- I'm good here.

\- You are cold.

\- You are a great hugger.

\- I've been told. – Lexa said as she pulled her closer.

\- And your heart is beating really fast.

\- I have a very pretty girl in my arms.

They stayed like that for a couple more minutes before Clarke pulled back. She knew it would be harder to let go the more time she spent in Lexa's arms. Clarke wanted everything.

But they needed time.

She needed time.

So Clarke said her goodbyes and walked up to her apartment alone.

* * *

 

\- She's seen you naked, you do know that? - Raven said after Clarke changed yet another shirt. – You are literally choosing between two same shirts in different color.

\- I don't understand why I'm so nervous.

\- Go in that one, she'll appreciate it. And you are nervous because you think she'll expect something, but you are forgetting this is Lexa and she won't look at you if you don't look at her first.

\- What if I expect something?

\- Do you?

\- I don't know. Maybe. No. I don't want anything to happen. But what if...

\- There are too many maybe and if words leaving your mouth. You had fun last time, right?

\- Yes.

\- Then just go there and have fun. And this is like the millionth time you two are going on a date.

\- This is different.

\- Yeah but also no.

\- This is so stupid. – Clarke said looking into the mirror.

\- It's normal. – Raven ruffled her hair. – You're gonna be okay.

\- There was no need for that. – Clarke picked up her purse and looked into the mirror for the last time. She was in jeans and white shirt. It was nothing special and she probably made a bigger deal out of it but her nerves got the best of her. It was the night of her second, new, date with Lexa. They were going to watch the game at Lexa's place.  – I'll text you when I come home.

\- Remember to have fun.

It were Raven's words Clarke remembered before knocking on Lexa's door. She just had to remember to have fun. It was just Lexa.

That was probably the biggest problem. It was just Lexa. She was never just something. When they first got together it took Clarke more than a couple of months to stop being a nervous wreck when meeting with Lexa.

It was just Lexa and Lexa was everything Clarke ever dreamed of.

Just Lexa.

\- You look great. – was the first thing Lexa told her.

\- Thank you. – Clarke said instead of „Never as good as you.“ But it wasn't easy to say things like that to Lexa.

When the game began, Clarke just sat on the couch thinking about the way Lexa's hair was falling down her shoulder in just the perfect way. She would catch herself staring and then she'd look away. Then she decided to not look at Lexa at all but that made her self conscious and she ended up staring at her glass.

\- What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot?

\- What? – Clarke's mouth was faster than her brain. She knew what Lexa asked and she knew why.

\- What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot? – Lexa asked with a smile.

\- Probably me.

\- There's no reason. Just a game.

\- I know.

It was never just something with Lexa, it was always everything.

The game ended and if someone asked her Clarke wouldn't know who won. She got up to look through Lexa's record collection. An excuse to put some space between them because Lexa looked amazing and she was just a thought away.

Clarke picked up a random record and  put it on. Soft piano melody started to fill the room.

\- I remember this one. – Clarke said with a smile.

\- It was raining and you were late, so very late. And you sneaked up on me with excuses and kisses and that record. – Lexa was now standing behind Clarke. – Wanna dance? – she whispered.

Clarke said yes and they danced. Slow dancing with Lexa was Clarke's second favorite Lexa activity.

\- Your heart is beating really fast. – Clarke said after the music stopped.

\- So is yours.

Clarke stepped back and leaned on the wall. Lexa was close and it was just Lexa.

\- What are we doing? Tell me because I have no idea.

\- We are on a date. It's going great so far.

\- Yeah?

\- Mhm. What do you wanna do next?

Lexa was close but Clarke wanted her closer. Shewas backed into the wall and she never felt more free.

\- I want you to kiss me.

And Lexa kissed her. Soft at first. Mouths barely touching. Nibbling her upper lip.

And when Clarke said more Lexa pinned her to the wall, pulled Clarke's lower lip into her mouth. Biting and soothing. Clarke's neck was always Lexa favorite and Lexa was hungry  for Clarke, for Clarke saying more, for Clarke's hands in her hair and her name on Clarke's lips.

And when Clarke said stop Lexa stopped. It was right on time and they both still needed time.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than expected. Hope you like it. There'll be more soon.  
> Sorry for any mistakes, it's been a long week.

_March 1 st 2019_

_You are so beautiful._

_I miss telling you that. It has always been favorite part of my day._

_In bed. With you. Making you blush. Kissing it away._

_I never understood why you made such a big deal out of it. Why you always hid your face somewhere between my head and pillow._

_You will always be beautiful._

_March 5 th 2019_

_I think you are starting to like me again. Or at least not hate me anymore._

_I know, I know, you never hated me. But it’s a thin line between love and hate and lately I’ve been on the wrong side of that line._

_But I think you are starting to like me again and the butterflies in my stomach are ready to fly free._

_March 12 th 2019_

_We’ve been going out a lot and it feels like the first time but at the same time it’s nothing like the first time. I’m nervous like I’ve always been when it’s you in front of me, but it’s so much worse for you._

_I can see it on your face, in the way you blink one time too many, how your eyes skim around the space where my eyes are, never spending too much time at the same place._

_And I can see when you forget and when you remember._

_Soft edges become rougher with every second. You try so hard to hide it but at the end it’s me you are trying to forget and we’ve never been good at hiding._

_March 14 th 2019_

_I’ve been kissing you again. Or we’ve been kissing._

_Every time I see you I feel like a child on Christmas day._

_What is it about you that makes me so giddy and happy and smiley and everything is softer and warmer?_

_There are never enough hours in a day and seconds spent with you._

_I forgot how much I like kissing you._

_That might be a lie._

_But I never forgot the way you smile after it or how you bite your lip before._

_March 20 th 2019_

_It feels like before._

_Almost._

_It’s taking more time than it did the first time and that’s okay._

_You hold my hand when no one can see and you hug me when everyone is watching us and you kiss me when it’s just you and me._

_You always stop before it turns to something bigger, something scarier, before my eyes become too much and the world too quiet and that’s okay._

_I can wait._

_March 28 th 2019_

_I’ve been thinking about you._

_I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. You’ve been busy with paintings and galleries and you don’t have much time for me._

_It hurts a bit._

_Maybe a lot._

_It would be a lie to say anything other than that._

_It hurts._

_It hurts because I’ve never been one of them, one of those who you shut out when you are busy._

_I was always within arms reach._

_It hurts._

* * *

  **Clarke**

**23:12**

hey

 

Sometimes Lexa thought Clarke had a special Lexa sense.

She was in bed thinking about hundred reasons why she should pick up her phone and call Clarke. It’s been a week since they last spoke.

Lexa was getting nervous and scared and she just missed Clarke. And she hated feeling all three of those things.

But then her phone buzzed in her hand with a new message from Clarke and she smiled.

**23:14**

Hi

**Clarke**

**23:15**

what are you up to?

**23:16**

In bed. Watching TV.

You?

**Clarke**

**23:18**

eating and thinking about you

haven’t heard from you in a while

**23:20**

You’ve been busy so I didn’t want to bother you.

**Clarke**

**23:21**

that’s stupid

 

It was stupid and Lexa knew it. She could say something about wanting to be there but not knowing if Clarke wanted her near.

She could say a lot of things but she was scared to say anything. So she went the easy route.

 

**23:22**

You have work.

**Clarke**

**23:24**

still stupid

**23:25**

I haven’t heard from you either.

**Clarke**

**23:26**

you are wooing me

**23:28**

I already wooed you.

**Clarke**

**23:29**

oh really?

where’s your proof?

**23:31**

You are eating and thinking about me.

**Clarke**

**23:48**

i miss you

 

It was something Lexa felt only Clarke was allowed to say. It was still a forbidden territory. Something she could say only when she was alone in her room. Maybe to Anya. But never to Clarke. Never to sober Clarke.

 

**23:50**

Come by tomorrow. I’ll feed you.

**Clarke**

**23:51**

7?

**23:52**

See you at 7. Don’t be late.

* * *

\- Are you two back together or are you just playing some weird ass game? - Anya was flipping through some magazine, laying on Lexa’s couch.  – By the way that smells amazing.

Lexa was in the process of making dinner for Clarke when Anya came by. She even offered help but then settled on the couch and began her interrogation.

\- I don’t know what we are. Something in between. Grey area.

\- But you’re not having sex?

\- Why are you so interested in my sex life?

\- So you are not getting any. I thought you had some game.

\- I have game.

\- Do you plan to get some tonight? That’s why you are making this fancy dinner? You plan to seduce her with chicken and candles?

\- I could if I wanted.

Anya was now laughing and walking towards kitchen.

\- Sure. She always had a way of turning you into a love struck idiot. I know you live for that. Just be careful. You two are playing a dangerous game. It can be deadly for both.

\- I’ll try. – Lexa said smiling.

She knew what Anya was saying and she knew there was a real chance of everything collapsing on her back.

She only had hope. And trust.

\- I’ll leave you now. It’s just dinner. Remember to have fun.

 

\- You outdid yourself. – Clarke said with a smirk on her face.

They have just finished dinner and were sitting in silence with some odd tune filing the background.

\- What?

Lexa was too caught up in looking at Clarke’s eyes and lines of Clarke’s face and Clarke’s smile and Clarke. She heard but she didn’t really hear.

\- You outdid yourself with the dinner and candles and music. Are you trying to romance me?

If anyone else asked that Lexa would say no, laugh it off or roll her eyes. Or probably all three of those things.

She wasn’t trying to romance Clarke.

It was just a dinner.

With candles and music.

And Clarke.

\- How am I doing so far? – Lexa smiled.

\- Not bad. – Clarke said and then added. – What’s next on your romance schedule?

\- Um… we look at each other’s eyes until we connect on spiritual level.

\- Hmm. Then I have to come closer, don’t you think?

Clarke got up from her side of the table and walked to Lexa’s. She leaned on the table next to her and ran her finger through Lexa’s hair.

\- It will work better that way. – Clarke whispered.

\- Probably. – Lexa tried to remain cool and calm.

\- Or maybe I should come closer.

Lexa watched Clarke throw her leg over her lap.

She watched Clarke settle on top of her.

She felt Clarke’s hands on both sides of her neck.

She felt Clarke’s breath on her lips.

\- I think this is much better. – she heard Clarke say.

\- I like your eyes. – Lexa whispered.

\- What else do you like?

Lexa’s hands were gripping the chair she was sitting on. Her fingers were itching to touch Clarke. To show Clarke how much she likes everything on her.

Lexa was trying to think with her head, to take and make time.

But Clarke was close, Clarke was offering something and she wanted Clarke.

\- I like your legs. – Lexa said as she put her hands on Clarke’s knees and Clarke pulled her head a bit closer, just enough for Lexa to feel it. – They are long and the reason I don’t sleep at night. – Lexa continued as her hands went over Clarke’s thighs. – And I love them when they are around my waist.

Clarke giggled and bit her lip.

\- What else. – she whispered.

Lexa put her hands on Clarke’s hips, her thumbs circling somewhere on the edge between Clarke’s shirt and pants.

\- I like your belly button. It’s cute.

Clarke laughed and Lexa was ready to do anything to hear it every day for the rest of her life.

\- Really?

\- Mhm. Can I? – Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

When she put her hands under Clarke’s shirt and Clarke shivered Lexa felt like this was the first time she was doing it.

\- How are your hands always so warm. – Clarke breathed out the words like they were fire burning her inside.

\- You make everything warm.

\- Always so corny.

Lexa had Clarke in her arms and she wanted more.

\- I’m not done yet. There are more things I like. – she wanted everything.

\- Yeah?

\- I like your back. – Lexa said as she tucked her hands all the way under Clarke’s shirt and around her. She slowly dragged her fingers from Clarke’s neck all the way down to her lower back. She could swear she heard Clarke moan but she had her hands under Clarke’s shirt and she couldn’t focus on anything other than Clarke’s skin under her fingertips. – It’s warm and soft and I can do this. – Lexa pulled Clarke so close she could feel her heartbeats.

Lexa could kiss her and she knew Clarke wanted to be kissed, but Lexa wanted more.

She brought her left hand to Clarke’s neck. She moved her finger from below Clarke’s ear, down to her collarbone, back to her jaw and Clarke closed her eyes.

\- Clarke.

\- Mmm.

Her eyes were still closed and Lexa remembered all the times her back was canvas for Clarke’s fingers.

\- Look at me. I like your neck because it brings out the best of me.

\- It really does. – Clarke smiled.

\- I like your nose. – Lexa kissed it. – Your eyes, the prettiest of them all. Your cheeks. Even more with a touch of red on them. – she kissed one then the other. – Your lips. So soft and sweet. – she kissed the corner of Clarke’s mouth. – And your teeth. I like your teeth. And I love when they bite.

\- Mhm. – Clarke murmured smirking.

\- I like all of you.

That’s when Clarke kissed her.

Hard and without asking. Taking what was hers.

She rolled her hips into Lexa and Lexa knew there was no going back.

Soon, Clarke’s mouth was everywhere and she was leaving trail from Lexa’s neck to shoulder.

\- Off. – Clarke said pulling Lexa’s shirt before taking it off.

She was everywhere. Kissing and touching and Lexa wanted more.

\- Clarke. – Lexa called but Clarke continued her ministrations on Lexa’s neck.

\- Clarke slow down. – Lexa whispered and Clarke stopped with panic in her eyes. – No I don’t mean like that. I want this. – Lexa kissed her softly. – I want you. Just slow down, I’m not going anywhere.

Clarke nodded and let out a shaky breath.

\- Take me to bed. Please. – she said against Lexa’s mouth.

They walked to the bedroom like one, never breaking the kiss, never pulling apart. And once they were there Clarke worshiped every inch of Lexa. And it was all Lexa ever wanted.

Later that night, when Clarke was sure Lexa was sleeping she pulled her closer and kissed her.

\- I like you too. – she said into the darkness of Lexa’s bedroom.

* * *

 - It’s raining. – Clarke said with her eyes still closed.

Lexa woke up a while ago. When she opened her eyes she saw Clarke sleeping next to her and she knew there was no better way to start a day.

Clarke was everything she could smell and taste.

Clarke was everywhere and Clarke was everything.

Lexa thought about that night. How Clarke never let go of her, how Clarke kissed her like her life depended on it.

When Clarke opened her eyes, Lexa couldn’t help but smile like a love struck idiot. Anya was right.

\- What? – Clarke asked moving closer to Lexa.

\- You are beautiful. So, so, so beautiful.

Clarke kissed her and then rolled over so she was on top of Lexa.

\- I have to go. – she said when kisses became more than just kisses.

\- Stay.

\- I can’t. I have work.

\- You did for a week.

\- And I haven’t done anything. You were distracting me.

Lexa’s hands were going up and down Clarke’s back and her mouth was on Clarke’s neck.

\- And you are distracting me now. – Clarke said smiling.

\- We haven’t talked all week. – Lexa stopped what she was doing.

\- I know. Very distracting. – Clarke said before kissing her again.

\- So this was you regaining focus for work?

\- No.

\- Stay.

\- Lexa.

\- It’s raining. We can spend the day in bed.

\- I can’t.

\- Okay. – Lexa dropped her hands on the bed.

\- I would if I could, you know that right?

Lexa would love to say yes. She would love to say yes and believe it.

This wasn’t the first time Clarke had work to do, but it was the first time she said no to Lexa because of work. So she didn’t say anything.

\- Lexa.

\- Yes, I know.

Lexa was scared.

Clarke put her clothes on and kissed Lexa once more before she left.

* * *

 - You have to relax. You said everything was great. She stayed the night, she kissed you in the morning. Sounds like a perfect date.

After Clarke left Lexa didn’t know what to do or what to think. So she picked up the phone and called Taylor. She knew Anya would just yell at her to stop being crazy and she needed someone who would tell her why she’s being crazy.

\- It was. But she left.

\- Because she has work to do. You told me that yourself a couple of days ago.

\- Yes but she…

\- Lexa, calm down and relax. You are freaking out and that’s normal but there’s no reason. You had fun and she had fun and everything went great.

\- But…

\- You can’t expect things to be the same as before.

And there it was. Something Lexa couldn’t force herself to think about. She can’t expect things to be the same as before. And that was the only thing she was doing. She was comparing it all to before. To then.

\- A lot of time has passed and you two are different people now and you can’t expect her or your relationship to be the same.

\- What does that even mean.

\- It means things will be different. At least in the beginning.

\- What if that means she won’t love me the same.

\- Oh Lexa. From what you told me she never stopped loving you and she can only love you more. But you of all people should know that love has nothing to do with this. You burned her and she doesn’t want to get burned again. Trust is a tricky thing.

\- What do I do?

\- Nothing. Same as before. But with less freaking out. Give her time and let her do what she wants to do. And leave the have beens behind. Enjoy the moment.

\- I’ll try.

* * *

 

**Clarke**

**10:36**

i have to go to a party tonight. will you be my +1?

**10:40**

Are you asking me out to a fancy party?

**Clarke**

**10:41**

harper’s party and maybe

**10:42**

I’ll gladly be your +1.

**Clarke**

**10:43**

great, i’ll pick you up around 8

 

Harper’s party will be the first time they will be around Clarke’s people since they began dating. Or whatever it is called what they were doing.

It will also be the first time they are around each other since their last date. They talked and texted and Lexa was more relaxed about everything, but they haven’t seen each other and Lexa couldn’t wait to see Clarke.

So when she saw Clarke standing in front of her door later that day she couldn’t help but smile with the biggest smile she had.

\- Someone is happy to see me. – Clarke said when she hugged her.

\- Can I kiss you? – Lexa thought her heart would explode.

\- Yes silly.

\- I missed you. – Lexa said afterwards.

\- I missed you too and I can’t wait to get back here but we have to go now.

\- You smell amazing. – Lexa placed a kiss just below Clarke’s ear.

\- We’re gonna be late. – Clarke whispered.

\- We can be a bit late. Or we don’t have to go at all.

Lexa started to nibble on Clarke’s ear.

\- Fuck.

\- I can do that. – Lexa said sucking on Clarke’s pulse point, making Clarke growl.

\- Raven will kill me if we don’t come.

Lexa kissed her way back to Clarke’s lips.

\- Then let’s go. The sooner we go, the sooner we’ll be back.

 

The party was amazing. At least it was to Lexa. Probably because Clarke didn’t let go of her the whole time. She would kiss her more often than not and Lexa was having the time of her life.

They were talking to some people Lexa didn’t know. Clarke was talking and Lexa was looking at Clarke.

And then she heard an unfamiliar voice and felt Clarke get stiff next to her.

\- Clarke.

She turned around before Clarke and saw a guy their age with dark hair standing in front of her.

\- Hey Finn. – Clarke said when she looked at him.

Lexa knew that name. She knew who he was and what he meant. She dropped her hand from Clarke’s waist and moved a step away.

Clarke looked at her, confused, before extending her arm in Finn’s direction.

\- Long time no see. You look great. – he said as he shook her hand and Lexa wanted to disappear.

\- Thanks. What are you doing here?

Lexa felt Clarke’s hand on her back pulling her closer, back to where she was standing before he came.

\- I was in the town so Jasper called me, said everyone will be here and it’s been a while so I said why not.

Lexa hated him more with every second. He was now looking at her. Probably waiting for Clarke to introduce her.

\- That’s nice. And sorry, this is Lexa. Lexa this is Finn.

Clarke’s hand was still on her back, holding her and now the other hand was in front of her, waiting.

\- Nice to meet you. – she said shaking his hand and dropping it as quick as she could.

\- You too. – he said. – I heard you two are not together anymore.

Lexa flinched.

She hated the guy.

She hated the idea of him.

She hated his face and his smug looking smile.

She hated the words leaving his mouth.

She hated that he was in front of her. In front of Clarke.

She hated everything he was and everything he is.

\- You heard wrong. – she heard Clarke respond to him.

\- I guess so. I’ll be in town for a couple more weeks. I’d love to sit down with you and talk. Here’s my number so call me if you are interested.

He gave Clarke a piece of paper with some letters and numbers on them before he turned around and left.

Lexa could hear the blood thrumming in her ears. A piece of paper. The world crashed because Clarke didn’t throw away a piece of paper.

\- Lexa. – Clarke said but Lexa didn’t hear.

A piece of paper she put in her pocket. Crumpled piece of paper.

\- Lexa.

This time she heard her. She looked to her left and saw a worried look on Clarke’s face.

\- Are you okay? – Clarke asked.

\- I am. – Lexa lied. – I just need some air. I’ll go. You can stay.

\- Lexa wait. – Clarke said and went after Lexa.

Clarke caught up with her on the stairs but Lexa didn’t stop, she just walked and walked. Once they were on the street and far from Harper’s apartment Lexa stopped.

\- Are you okay? – Clarke asked again.

\- I told you I am. – Lexa was angry, she wanted to yell and scream.

\- You don’t look okay. – Clarke reached for Lexa’s hand but she pulled away.

\- I’m fine. Go back to the party.

\- I don’t want to. What’s going on?

\- I just don’t want to be around people.

\- I’ll walk you home.

\- No. Go back to the party.

\- I didn’t know he was going to be there. I wouldn’t have brought you with me.

\- But you’d still go. Of course. – Lexa shook her head.

\- Lexa, I won’t have this conversation with you. Not after everything that happened.

\- Go back to your party.

\- You are fucking intolerable sometimes. Why are you acting like this? I told him to fuck off and that I’m with you and you are still acting like a fucking crazy person.

\- You took his number.

\- Are you serious right now? – Lexa started walking again.

Clarke grabbed her arm and forced her to stop.

\- You flipped out because of a piece of paper?

\- You don’t understand.

\- I don’t understand? Yeah I think I do.

\- Clarke, let go of me.

\- You broke my heart once because of all this wrong and fucking stupid things you think. – Clarke reached in her pocket and took the piece of paper with Finn’s number and gave it to Lexa. – Now you have his number.

\- I don’t want it.

\- Neither do I. How many more times will I have to tell you before you start believing me?

\- You don’t understand.

\- Then explain it to me. – Clarke said softly, stepping closer to Lexa. – Use your words.

\- I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be enough this time. I’m scared my feelings and my fear will get the best of me and I’ll fuck it up before it starts.

\- Lexa.

\- I’m just scared…

Before she could finish her sentence Clarke kissed her.

In that moment Lexa felt a little less scared.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello. Here is a short chapter for the 2 humans still wanting to read this. I promise next one will take less time than this one and also it'll end soon. I think.  
> Sorry for mistakes.

_January 2014_

_Love is a tricky bastard._

_You live your life unassuming, minding your business and then a pretty blonde sits next to you and starts to draw._

_I never intended to fall in love with her but then again love is not something you can plan. I don’t really even know what my plan was. I guess I thought she would be a short and fun little thing, nothing permanent, nothing and no one  I would look forward to. Or maybe I tried to fool myself into thinking that because the second time I saw her I knew she would never be just a short and fun little thing._

_But here I am. Sitting in her kitchen and if I looked around I’m sure I would see my things scattered around the apartment. Books, notebooks, clothes. I can’t remember the last time I spent more than one night in my bed. Then again her bed has probably become mine._

_On most days she’s the one to wake up first. She gets up and makes coffee and hands me mine while hiding behind hers._

_She’s not always the upfront girl I met on that bench._

_I catch her stealing glances. “You can look at me you know?”, I tell her. She blushes and smiles. She mumbles something about realness and believing._

_Girl, don’t you know you are my religion?_

 

\- You are up early.

\- Couldn’t sleep. – Lexa closes her notebook.

Clarke walks up to her and puts her hands around her neck.

\- You should have woken me up.

Lexa pulls her closer and kisses her. She never knew she would want to kiss someone so often and so much until she kissed Clarke for the first time.

\- You were up late last night.

\- Wanted to finish something.

\- I really like you. – Lexa says after a short pause and Clarke blinks at her in surprise.

\- I really like you too. – Clarke whispers before kissing her.

* * *

  _May 2014_

_I’ve come to realize that couple of moments of pure happiness are enough._

_Especially if that means your head will be in my lap as we watch some dumb movie._

_Or your kiss will be the beginning of my day._

_Or that leaving bed will mean I get to eat breakfast with you._

_In the end life is nothing more than a collection of moments, album of snapshots we get to live or relive. Sometimes one good minute is enough._

_When I’m with you, every minute is divine._

 

\- I’m glad we did this. – Clarke said.

\- What?

\- This.

\- Stayed in bed all day?

When Clarke just hummed in response Lexa couldn’t help but smile. She felt happy, really and truly happy. And feeling happy around Clarke was the easiest thing that Lexa ever did.

\- You know what could make it better? – she asked.

\- What?

\- Kissing.

Clarke turned around and kissed the tip of her nose.

\- Not the type of kissing I was looking for. – Lexa said after opening her eyes.

Clarke pushed her on her back and got on top of her.

\- And what were you looking for?

\- Something like this. You on me making your way downtown. – Lexa pulled her girlfriend closer and kissed her.

\- You are in very good mood.  – Clarke said between kisses.

\- How could I not be when the prettiest girl in the world is in love with me.

* * *

  _April 2019_

_Life is strange._

_There are days when love is just a distant memory, something you heard someone talk about. Whispers and murmurs._

_Something you maybe felt for that brief moment._

_Something you maybe feel every day._

_Something that slowly kills you._

_Something you want to feel._

_Something you hate._

_And there are days when she smiles at you and you can’t remember the time when she wasn’t with you. You can’t remember the loneliness and sleepless nights because she’s sitting in front of you and smiling for no reason. She kisses you and you don’t want anything other than that._

_My mother always told me love is something you have to want. Something beautiful._

_Something most people don’t understand so they kill other people in the name of it. They are selfish and ignorant. They yell and fight and they don’t listen. They are consumed with jealousy._

_She said I must never become someone like that. She said I had to be smarter. Kinder._

_She said one loves with heart not with hate._

_She said love grows flowers inside you and if you feed your love with hate you will poison the flowers and they will die._

_She talked about love, hearts, flowers and boys._

_One day I broke in tears in front of her._

_Boys had nothing to do with hearts and love. I cried and talked about her eyes and her smile._

_My mother hugged me and told me hearts are hearts._

_My mother was the most amazing woman I have ever known. She didn’t love my father but she loved me enough to not leave me with him._

_She died in car with the man she loved._

_I believe true happiness is not a lasting state of one’s being. It’s in the moments. The short and intense seconds, minutes or days if you are lucky. But never something permanent.  Something you wake up with but when you leave the bed it’s not there anymore. But something worth living. Something that can make you or break you._

_I always paired it with love. To be happy you had to be loved._

_But my mother loved me and she died because of it._

_Clarke loved me and I broke her heart._

_Maybe love and happiness weren’t meant for me._

\- That’s some intense typing.

Lexa looked beside her to see Clarke was up and looking at her.

\- Did I wake you? – she put away her laptop and turned on her side to face Clarke.

\- No. What were you writing?

“Nothing important. Work stuff”. It was an easy answer. But considering last night Lexa knew  she had to do better than easy.

\- Rewriting something I wrote a long time ago. About love and my mom.

-  What was she like?

Lexa never talked about her. Clarke knew Lexa loved her and that she died. She’s seen some photos but Lexa never said anything.

\- I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about that. – Clarke said when she saw Lexa  wasn’t answering.

\- She loved flowers.  And dark chocolate. And Jane Austen. She used to read it to me every Sunday until I became as obsessed with it as she was. She made me talk about it. What I thought was good and what was bad. She was the reason I wrote my first story. If you can call it that. I said I could write something better and when I did she made a little book of it, 10 pages, but it had covers and everything. She would have loved you.

\- She sounds amazing.

\- She was. – Lexa said as she turned to lay on her back.  Sometimes when she closed her eyes and tried really hard she could still see her mother’s face, smiling at her. So she did just that. She closed her eyes and saw her mother smiling. – She was amazing and she lived an unhappy life. – Lexa said through tears. She didn’t mean or want to cry but it was out of her control. She never said those words out loud.

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just took Lexa’s hand in her own and kissed it.

\- She never loved him. She liked him but she never loved him. I was a mistake that stuck her with him for the life.

\- You weren’t a mistake.

Clarke pulled her towards herself and wiped her tears.

-  I was. They never said it or made me feel like it but I was a mistake. We were small unhappy family. But she had it the worst. She loved love and she couldn’t have it because of me.

\- Lexa…

\- The woman that could move mountains lived her unhappy life and then she met someone. Friend of my father. He was nice and made her laugh. I’ve never seen her laugh like when he was around.  She never cheated on my father but she loved that man. She was happier and she spoke with a spark in her voice.  I think she was waiting for me to leave for school so she could leave to. She stayed in that fucking house because of me. And then one day police came to that same house to tell us she died. She was with the man she loved and a drunk driver pushed them of the road. She died in the hospital alone. If I wasn’t alive she would have been.

\- Oh Lexa. Come here.

Clarke pulled her into her arms, kissing the top of her head.

\- Shhh, breathe baby. It’s okay.

She placed soft kisses  along Lexa’s shoulder.

\- None of that is your fault.   – she said when Lexa calmed down.

\- You don’t…

\- No. Listen to me. – Clarke cupped Lexa’s face and looked her in the eyes. – It’s not your fault. Your mom loved you more than anyone and anything in this world. That’s why she stayed with you. She loved you and she wanted you to be happy. She didn’t settle for less. You were her world. It’s not your fault. You mom didn’t die because you loved her.

\- She would have loved you.

\- And I love her because she gave me you.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It meant there might be someone as alone and lonely as she was.
> 
> It also meant that she was maybe destined to be alone and that was the reason everything happened the way it did. Maybe life was meant to play that way.
> 
> It meant there was nothing she could have done to prevent anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this because my nights are sleepless so don't expect groundbreaking stuff. It's short and full of mistakes and all over the place and not much is said or done.  
> Thanks to all of you reading and saying nice things. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @ordinarklo

_\- Love will find its way to your heart Lexa. - Anya yelled from the couch._

_\- When did you become a fortune cookie?_

_Lexa was looking through her bag to see if everything she needed for the day was already inside._

_\- Just wait. You’ll see._

_\- Sure. And besides what makes you think I want love to find its way to my heart?_

_It was second day in the row that Anya was bugging her with the love nonsense. It was not something she usually did but Lexa was freshly broken up with, sort of, and that meant Anya felt like she had to give her love will win speech._

_\- How long have I known you?_

_\- Long enough to know I don’t like when you answer questions with more questions._

_\- One mishap doesn’t mean all is lost and love is garbage._

_\- Do you hear yourself?_

_\- I do. And I can’t believe what you are making me say._

_\- Who would have thought that you would preach to me about love._

_\- I can’t have you moping around because your latest rebound girl left._

_\- I’m leaving. – Lexa yelled back closing the door behind her._

_Part of her knew Anya was right. Love will probably, eventually find its way to her heart again. She’ll fall in love and someone will probably love her. But she also knew it won’t last. Like everything else in life. It will fade away and it will be replaced by another rebound girl and another speech from Anya._

_Lexa also knew there’s a bigger chance of love never finding her heart again. In the entirety of her life she loved only one person. Long and hard. And it ended fast and harder. Lexa could never blame the girl for leaving._

_Lexa was there and then she wasn’t. She was unavailable and unattainable. The girl stick around longer than Lexa thought she would. In the grand scheme of things Lexa knew it would end before it even started. But she got hooked on. She fell deep and fast in love and then slow and painfully out of it._

_She wasn’t even mad at the rebound girl. She was mad because it made her think about past and past is something she likes to leave as it is. There is never any point in doing anything with the past. It’s done and gone and no thinking can change it._

_She sat on the bench near the lake and looked up. The sun was high and mighty and the sky was almost the same color as the lake. It was the hottest day that week and she cursed herself for not changing before leaving the apartment. It was Anya’s fault._

_She took the book out of her bag and opened It on the first page._

_It was her 6th time reading it. Book talked about two people and the life they spent together but not really together. It described them as twin primes. Prime numbers that are close to each other but there’s always another number between them preventing them from being truly together. The further you go counting the rarer they become. Isolated, lost. The definition of true solitude._

_Lexa found that idea comforting. As crazy as it was._

_It meant there might be someone as alone and lonely as she was._

_It also meant that she was maybe destined to be alone and that was the reason everything happened the way it did. Maybe life was meant to play that way._

_It meant there was nothing she could have done to prevent anything._

_It would have all played out the same way._

_It was comforting._

_Next time Lexa looked up she saw someone running on the track down at the lake. A blonde girl in white shorts and black tank top. Lexa’s mouth went dry. It would pass months before she will admit to herself what was the reason. She knew she was staring but it was hard to peel her eyes off of the girl._

_She closed her eyes and turned her head to the book in her lap. Random girl on random day, nothing to hold on to._

_After a couple of minutes Lexa looked up again to see it the girl is still there just to see her walking towards her. She was even prettier up close._

_\- Sorry to disturb but do you mind if I sit here? This is the only bench that’s not in the sun._

_Lexa’s head was flooded with alarms and it felt as if her heart was in her ears. For a moment she forgot how to speak._

_\- You can sit. – she managed to say._

_Blonde girl thanked and sat beside her._

_She smelled like flowers and smiled like an angel. She opened her bag and took out a sketchbook. It wasn’t like Lexa was trying to look she just couldn’t look away._

_She was drawing the lake in front of them._

_\- You like it?_

_Lexa knew it was obvious she was staring but still she wasn’t expecting the girl to make any kind of comment about it._

_She panicked and looked away never answering the question._

_Later that day, when trying to fall asleep, Lexa will curse herself for not saying how much she loved it._

_\- I am going to get some coffee. Can you please watch my stuff? – the girl asked again after some time._

_Lexa mumbled out a yes and the girl left to get coffee._

_While she was gone Lexa was trying to find her lost courage. It’s not like this was the first pretty girl she ever talked to. Far from it. But it was the first time she acted like a complete idiot. Unable to speak and behave like normal human. But the girl was so beautiful Lexa’s heart skipped a beat every time she sneaked a peak._

_When the girl came back she was carrying two cups of coffee. She put one next to Lexa. Blonde tried to start a conversation multiple times but all she got from Lexa were one word answers. After a while she gave up and left._

_The following week Lexa spent building up her courage to go back in hope of seeing the girl again._

_It took her three days to tell Anya what happened and three more of Anya’s yelling for her to finally go._

_She spent entire Monday morning waiting for the girl. She never showed up._

_Tuesday was the same._

_By the time Wednesday came Lexa was starting to loose hope._

_On Thursday she decided to give it one last try._

_On Friday she saw the blonde girl sitting on one of the benches._

_She bought two cups of coffee and walked to her._

_\- Returning a favor. – it took Lexa 4 days to come up with that sentence and once she said it she realized the girl might not even remember her._

_But she did._

_They talked for hours._

_Lexa learned her name was Clarke, she was in art school and she had the most beautiful smile ever._

_Much later, when Lexa had to leave, Clarke gave her a painting she did the first time they met and wrote her number on the back._

_\- I know you like it. – Clarke said and to this day Lexa doesn’t know if she meant her or the painting. Either way she was right. Lexa liked both._

* * *

_Every minute of the following days and weeks Lexa spent wanting to kiss Clarke or thinking about kissing Clarke. Once she got to do it she never wanted to stop._

_Kissing Clarke was always a thrill. Small peck or an hour long make out session it didn’t matter. Lexa’s heart would always beat in the same crazy rhythm._

_\- Sometimes I think your heart will jump out of your chest when I kiss you. – Clarke once told her._

_\- It just gets really really excited when you are around._

_Years later Lexa’s heart still beats the same way._


	17. Chapter 17

_ April 2019 _

_ I’ve been thinking about death today. _

_ I have an on and off relationship with it. There was a period in my life when I didn’t care if I lived or died. I would have prefered to live, but I also wouldn’t move mountains to not die. It was a strange feeling. Everyone around you is obsessed with not dying and you have to pretend you care just as much as them, but deep down I never did.  _

_ Death was, is and always will be inevitable and the more time you spend trying to beat it the sooner it will come.  _

_ Time is also invincible. No matter what you do, how you do it or why you do it, time will never stop. Not even death can stop it.  _

_ Time has something no other living entity has. Immortality and time. Time will never run out of time.  _

_ It took me a while to understand why other people around me wanted to beat death, why they were so obsessed with living. Now when I think about it, their reasons are probably not very similar to mine. _

_ Theirs are probably directly selfish. Mine were mostly indirectly selfish. _

_ I knew Clarke would be sad if I were to die.  _

_ I knew she wouldn’t take it well. _

_ I knew the only thing that mattered to me was Clarke beating death. _

_ So I stopped being indifferent to dying. _

_ I started to actively try to stay alive just a bit longer. Just until I was sure Clarke would beat death. _

 

_ April 2019 _

_ I’ve spent half of my life being stupid. I realize that now. _

_ I used to not care about other people’s words. I was always my biggest enemy. I knew I could do better, I knew Clarke deserved better. I knew she was happy but I also knew she deserved to be happier. That’s when I started to care about other people’s words. That was one of my biggest mistakes. Thinking they had her best interest in mind. Not seeing how jealous half of them were. _

_ There will never be a day when I don’t regret listening the words that had so little meaning and even less value.  _

_ Clarke deserves the world and I can give her that. _

 

_ April 2019 _

_ Love is a strange thing. It has a heart of it’s own. It can take a beating and it takes a lot to break it. _

_ To be happy you have to be loved and to love you have to be happy.  _

_ I learned that is not really true.  _

_ You can love and be miserable and you can be happy and not be loved. _

_ Love can survive a lot of things. _

_ You can step on it, over it, you can chew it up and spit it out. But if you keep a part of it safe and locked and out of reach, it will never die. _

_ It doesn’t take much but it gives everything. _

 

“Do you mind if I sit? This is the only bench that’s not in the sun.

“It’s really telling that we both ended up going to the same place.” Clarke turned around. “You can. Sit, I mean.”

“Thank you.” Lexa walked around the bench and sat next to Clarke.

“Can you believe how long ago that was?”

“And how different things are now.”

“But are they?” Clarke looked at Lexa. 

“Well, for starters, last time I was the one sitting and you asked the question.”

“No.” Clarke smiled. “Last time it was me who was sitting. The first time was different.”

“Yeah, I forgot.”

“I doubt.”

“I remember how hot it was.” Clarke looked at the lake in front of her. The water was clear and blue, the trees were green and the sun was hitting all the right spots. It was a beautiful day and everything around them blossomed.

“On the way over here I passed by some flowers, they weren’t there the last time I was here, but they smelled almost exactly like you did that day.”

“You always say that.”

“I can’t help it. It was what made me fall in love in you.”

“Oh was it?” 

“Yes.” Lexa smiled.

“I wasn't planning to come here. I was just walking and I haven’t even realized where I was walking to until I was here. It’s probably because this is the place where I always come when I want to think about stuff.”

“I was planning to come here. It’s the only place where I don’t have to think about anything. I can just close my eyes and breathe and be.”

“Living in the past is the best kind of living.”

“Sometimes.” Lexa sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“About?” Clarke frowned.

“Where would I even draw the line?” Lexa looked over at Clarke and saw a soft smile on her lips. “I don’t know. I’m sorry I wasted years of our lives because I was too scared to ask. Or listen.”

“I don’t think you ever had a problem with listening.”

“Maybe not words, but the stuff that really mattered… the way you smiled when I was there opposed to the armour you had on when I wasn’t. The way you held me when no one was around and the way you made sure to show everyone I was yours. The way you’d ask and the way you'd show.”

“I’d like to think those were the moments of weakness and not constant state of being.”

“What?” Lexa looked confused.

“You listened, and you knew and you saw, but then there were moments, seconds and minutes were it got away from you.”

“No, yeah, I mean. I… I don’t know. I’m sorry I went crazy the other night. With Finn. I can promise that won’t happen ever again.”

“Can you?” Clarke sighed.

“I can promise I won’t do anything stupid and that I’ll ask and listen before I act.”

“That would have saved us so much trouble in the past.”

“I know.” Lexa chewed on her lip. “I hope it’s not beyond repair.”

“I don’t think we could ever be beyond repair.”

Lexa took Clarke’s hand and lightly scratched her palm. “But please no more heartbreak. That I wouldn’t survive.” Clarke added.

“I hate myself the most when it’s late at night and you are sleeping next to me, pretty and peaceful, and I close my eyes and all I can see is you begging me not to leave.”

“Please don’t hate yourself.”

“It’s hard.”

“C’mon, if I don’t hate you then you can’t either.”

“I can’t promise much, but I can promise I’ll try.”

“Sometimes that’s more than enough.” Clarke leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “What do you wanna do tonight?”

“Can we just lay in bed? I want to tell you more about my mom.”

“That would be great.” Clarke kissed the top of Lexa’s hand.

“Clarke.”

“Yes.”, she looked up.

“I love you.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the end won't satisfy you, but I had to end it.
> 
> It was fun and not fun and I love parts of it more than anything else ever.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at ordinarklo.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes belong to me.
> 
> Be gentle.


End file.
